Everyone knows that there are the saints, there are the sinners, and then there are the savable. Those who will read my column will soon know that I’m a God fearing man. I’m bizarre, but I still belong to the majority party walking the globe that believes in a Creator. I’m not perfect, but if He’s grading on a curve I’d like to think I still might have a shot.
With that said, there will always be cheating politicians out there. Some of them are not God-fearing men. And that’s their prerogative. Given that, I think it’s high time someone put together a blueprint for the unrepentant, cheating male politician. Something bipartisan. Something Republican and Democrat adulterers and perverts can rally around. Something that will keep their deviant after-hours debauchery under the radar so they can get to the business at hand—destroying the country.
Here now, is my Cheating Manifesto for the Unrepentant Male Politician. AKA: The Sinner.
If you’re a powerful male politician, you’ll only want to make advances on the ugliest woman in your inner circle. No strangers. No acquaintances. On top of that, they should know, deep down, that they’re ugly. Their inherent lack of self-esteem will serve you well on many levels:
- Ugly women are loyal. If you tell them to keep a lid on it, they will.
- The ugly “other woman” with image problems will be hesitant to talk to the media when it all falls apart.
- Media don’t like ugly people. They’re just as shallow as you. Remote controls go into overtime when dead soldiers or fat people get too much screen time. Advertisers and media moguls don’t like that. Your indiscretions can be minimized – and perhaps completely negated – if you cheat on your spouse with a woman who looks like a dead, unfit soldier. If getting yourself up (no pun intended) for that sounds like a challenge, don’t worry. As a morally bankrupt vessel for bad public policy, getting your mind there isn’t as much as a stretch as you’d think. You. Can. Do. This. In fact, doing so will feel extremely liberating.
If you’re hesitant to get involved with someone who is aesthetically beneath you, remember: the rush comes from getting away with something you have no business doing. It’s about your power. It’s about doing what you want when you want because you’re a U.S. Congressman and you should be able to do what you want. It was never about looks, so just put that out of your mind, pull your pants down, and get to work.
If that still doesn’t do it for you, two words: plausible deniability. Adonis would never have sex with Gollum (or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have us believe). You got elected by going against the grain (e.g., lying through your teeth), so why wouldn’t it work with adultery? If you’re going to prove to the world that objective truths don’t exists, and that we all live in a morally relativistic universe of our own making, it’s up to you to free us from our mind-forged manacles. Bust through those last few hymens of decorum, and then land yourself that position as the House Ethics Committee Chairman you’ve been eyeing since you were a freshman on the Hill!
The above-mentioned strategy is a sure-fire way to keep your political career in tact for much longer than you deserve. Strict adherence to the fat-and-insecure policy can extend a dirty politician’s career exponentially. You can have a harem of heavy women over the years with no one (but the God you don’t believe in) the wiser. Fat chicks like empty calories, and the reality is that you’re filet mignon with a side of greens. After a few years they’ll settle down with chunky husbands who favor chain restaurants. Your secret will remain safe in their diabetes-induced graves. And if not, as I said: plausible deniability.
Knowing you, the Cheating Manifesto for the Unrepentant Male Politician has taken into account that you will most likely not stick to the prescribed manual. As an adrenaline junkie and a Type-A personality, you’ll need more. While drugs are always an option, I don’t suggest them. That’s how you get sloppy. And when you get sloppy, you get caught. Powdery white substances and little pink and blue pills should be saved for the appropriate time.
When you find yourself veering off course and looking for high priced hookers with breast implants and a gymnast’s flexibility, the end game is near. It is at that point where you may break out the drugs. Realize that you are a Red Giant. Embrace it. There are few spectacles in the galaxy as beautiful and rare as a dying star. If you’re going to burn out and ultimately implode into a black hole of irrelevance, turn up the heat in those last moments. Hyper-heated hydrogen explosions and plasma swirls are a sight to behold! There’s a reason why Scarface is a classic. And you, my friend, are Al Pacino’s Tony Montana. Now make it happen, you fabulously depraved sonofabitch because Mickey (and your wife) loves ya!