Bureaucrats deny Americans hotdog-stuffed pizza crust? Prepare for war

What sort of sick and depraved mind would deny blue-collar Americans the opportunity to have the Heimlich Maneuver performed on them as they choke on hotdog-stuffed pizza crust? The mind of the HHS or FDA bureaucrat, that's who. It's time to get down to business and bring this sucker back from Britain. Its rightful home is here in America, with the Doritos Locos Taco.

The Doritos Locos Taco has started an arms race between fast food franchises that can not be stopped. The war of attrition has just been turned up a notch, and when the powdered nacho cheese dust and pizza dough settles there are going to be a lot of dead bodies and coronary heart disease.

And with that, I give you: The hotdog crust-stuffed pizza from Pizza Hut!

“The Hot Dog Stuffed Crust pizza is only available in the UK and there are no plans to introduce this product in the U.S.,” Lisa Beachy, a spokesperson for Pizza Hut, told HealthPop in an email.

ABC News reports that a slice of plain stuffed crust pizza contains about 265 calories with 11.6 grams of fat and a hot dog contains about 170 calories and 15 grams of fat, although an official calorie count for the pizza was not listed.

Yes, you read that right—it’s not coming to the United States anytime soon. As of now, there are really only two explanations:

1. The Department of Health and Human Services and the FDA are setting up regulatory road blocks that would prevent such deliciousness from ever touching ground in the U.S.A. Contraception for teenagers is given out for free in the States, but God forbid a pizza gives birth to a hotdog. Screw the government. Screw em!
2. The Brits have found some sort of intellectual patent right, and are withholding their pizza-hotdog hybrid as some sort of finger in the eye for breaking off from the Kingdom all those years ago. Half of the population doesn’t even have teeth—so why should they be given pizza manna from heaven?

As an American, I demand the ability to shove hotdog-filled pizza crust down my throat until nacho-cheese donuts are rolled out. It’s a shame that our wanker-buddies on the other side of the pond are now outdoing us when it comes to the creation of food that can cause blood clots just by looking at it.

Get on the ball, America. And screw the government. Screw em!

GOP clowns in bayou eye contest with clown-president

The most interesting thing about the Republican primary process at this point isn’t the fact that it’s still going on, but that the top two candidates actually think the general population cares which one of them gets the nod. Rick Santorum won the bayou state last night, to the sound of crickets chirping. And yet, his main rival still found time to send down some clowns to cause trouble:

But Romney aides were on the job Saturday night. In Green Bay, a Romney spokesman, Ryan Williams, showed up at the bar where Santorum was holding his election-night event, to make a few disparaging comments and put the Romney campaign’s spin on events. “This is the saddest, most pathetic victory party I’ve ever seen,” an AP reporter quoted Williams saying. “Where are all the supporters?”

Not long after, Santorum campaign manager Mike Biundo asked Williams to leave, which Williams did. “I didn’t think it was appropriate,” Biundo said later. “They keep wanting to write this race off and say that it’s done, yet they keep sending surrogates to our events to spin the press.

So the guy with the lead has top advisers who refer to him as an Etch-n-Sketch, and the guy in second place continuously takes the bait from news media that want to cast him as a social conservative whack job (e.g., he actually made ridding the America of pornography a priority in a country with $16 trillion in debt). Then, each of them find lame ways to cast the other guy in a negative light and they wonder why there isn’t any enthusiasm on the right side of the fence. Bravo.

In the other corner we have President Obama, who is so politically tone deaf that he can’t even pass a bill that would create an oil pipeline. During a time of high unemployment and sky high gas prices, the guy who went around the country talking about the need for “shovel ready jobs” put his foot down on…digging a massive oil pipeline from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico. Again, Bravo.

Clowns to the left of me, clowns to the right…here I am. Americans deserve better. Or maybe they don’t, since they keep electing clowns.

American Paradox: Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco

Close your eyes, open your mouth, and take a monstrous bite into a Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco. Then ask yourself if you're in Heaven or Hell. Chances are, you won't be able to tell.

America is the greatest country in the world. However, one could argue that it’s also the worst country in the world, and as evidence we must only point to Taco Bell’s newest creation: The Doritos Locos Taco. The countdown is over, and indeed it is real:

A Taco Supreme® made with premium seasoned beef, crisp lettuce, diced juicy red ripe tomatoes, real cheddar cheese, topped with cool reduced-fat sour cream, in a shell made from Nacho Cheese Doritos® Chips.

The cheap goodness of Taco Bell—where you can eat until your stomach explodes for under $10—and the nacho-cheesy goodness of Doritos all in one. What kind of awesomely twisted mind comes up with such a thing? An American mind, of course. And that’s where the genius…and the rub comes in.

You see, as brilliant as it is in its simplicity, the Doritos taco also has a dark side. Its cheesy shell is large enough, for the first time, for someone to essentially lick a wall of Doritos cheese with the entire surface area of their tongue! Combined with the guilty pleasure that is Taco Bell “meat products”, the obesity problem already facing the nation suddenly looks even more daunting than it already was.

Why do Americans keep inventing things that are incredibly awesome, yet disturbing at the same time? What’s next? Fried Cinnabon? Limited-time offers of The Big Whopper, a McDonalds Big Mac teamed up with a Burger King Whopper into a hamburger so insane it tears a black hole in the space-time continuum?

What makes America so confusing and glorious at the same time is that it’s always thinking outside the box, whether it’s with legitimately useful things (e.g., think of the inventions of Bill Gates or Steve Jobs) or incredibly stupid things (i.e., The Doritos taco from Taco Bell). The great  melting pot that is the United States carries that mindset over into its inventions, always trying to mix and match the best of things into something that’s greater than the sum of its parts.

If you find yourself driving home late from work this weekend, I highly suggest ponying up a few bucks for Taco Bell’s latest invention. As you lick the powdered cheese from your fingertips, pause and think for a second…about how much more tolerable the Irish potato famine would have been if Doritos Los Tacos existed in 1845.

My ancestors came to the United States during the Irish Potato Famine. If only Ireland embraced the kind of freedom and liberty that makes Doritos Locos Tacos possible...I'd still have red hair.

ESPN Apologizes for “Chink” Headline, Stands By Chinese Exclusion Act.

ESPN has apologized for its racist slur to the Asian community, but risks upsetting even more viewers by standing by The Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882.

After annoying Asians that came across ESPN’s “Chink in the Armor” headline, the network has sacked the “person responsible” for the editorial snafu. For those not in the know, it looks like the New York Knicks have a budding star in their midst, and he just happens to be Asian—but not of the freakishly gigantic variety usually imported from overseas. No, this kid is home grown and a Harvard graduate. After a recent loss, one of ESPN’s best and brightest thought it might be wise to throw up a headline with “chink” in it. The rest is history.

In a bizarre news release late Sunday, the sports giant released the following statement:

“We regret using a racist slur in our coverage of Jeremy Lin. In 2012, we sometimes forget that in addition to women, the black community, the hispanic community, the gay community, the disabled, Muslims, transgender, and little people, that Asians have historically been subject to vicious attacks and intolerance. Steps have been taken to ensure this never happens again—until it does. Regardless, ESPN stands by the Chinese Exclusion Act. The Asians of 1882 were a different story, immigrants who most certainly would not have participated in American sporting events of the era. Banning Chinese immigrants for a decade—and their subversive work ethic—ensured 24 hour sports networks like ours would flourish over 100 years later. Moving forward, ESPN will only make comedic references to Christians, Catholics, and Polish people (if that comes back in style again).”

The Associated Press tried to find the Asian equivalent of Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton for a reaction, but was unable to do so. Anonymous sources within AP, fearful that they might cause another dust-up, said off the record that all candidates ended up being engineers and doctors who were disinterested in their story.

Political Gatherings: Meat Markets in Disguise

Young people at CPAC get drunk and hook up dressed like the Founding Fathers. Young people at the Democratic National Convention hook up in clothes inspired by whatever foreign culture is en vogue. This season the Old Navy keffiyeh scarfs inspired by Palestinian militants will probably get you lucky well before closing time. It's just a shame more people don't experience both.

CPAC, the annual gathering of Conservatives—where beautiful women instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano—just ended. I, Dr. Bizarre, go there every year, just as I plan on attending the Democratic National Convention this fall. Why? Because I love idealistic beautiful women of all political stripes. While most media cover the surface stories (e.g., What does everyone think about Rick Santorum’s chances of finishing off Romney’s campaign?), your good Dr. goes where others fear to tread. Well, I guess a few others went there:

Elise, better known by his handle “Juggler” from Neil Strauss’ notorious pickup memoir The Game, was offering advice to attendees at conservative mega-conference CPAC on how to improve their dating game. Remember that old VH1 reality show The Pickup Artist with that lanky host called “Mystery” teaching people how to insult girls then hit on them when their self esteem is shattered? This is one of his top rivals, charging upwards of $5,000 for a one-day private session…

“The problem with conservatives on dating: we’re too uptight!” he said. “Liberals have the reputation for being fun, we have to go on the date and have fun without smoking pot.” …

At the very least, the session was an opportunity to acknowledge one of the less discussed dynamics of CPAC. Unlike most conservative gatherings, which often resemble Bingo night at the retirement home, the annual conference is usually dominated by college Republicans who bus in en masse. That means the dating scene is sizzling.

Here’s the truth: political gatherings mean nothing. No one’s mind is made up at these events, because their mind is already made up well beforehand. The old people go so they can catch up (and have sex) with their old friends, and the young people go so they can have sex with new friends. At Republican conventions, well-dressed young men who can garble a few passing platitudes about free markets through a drunken stupor end up sleeping with really attractive women. At Democratic conventions, well-dressed young men who can garble a few passing platitudes about diversity sometimes get to sleep with two women at the same time (e.g., a young Rob Lowe). Libertarian gatherings? Well…I can’t say what goes on there because I have at least a modicum of decency—but I highly suggest you find out for yourself. There’s no need for a wing man if you speak English and can pronounce the name “Ron Paul.”

The moral of this story? We’d be a lot better off if we settled arguments by having sex with our political adversaries. “You want to pass H.R. Bill 2357, Nancy Pelosi? Let’s see how long you can filibuster…in bed. PS: I have a gavel in my pants.” I guarantee you Congress would get more done.

This blog was paid for by Dr. Bizarre for Congress. I approve this message.

Michelle Obama does push-ups. Morons criticize her form.

Michelle Obama recently paid a visit to the Ellen show. While Ellen and she were making small talk, a push-up contest materialized. The two women hit the floor and started knocking them out. Good for daytime television, but bad for news…unless you’re talking about the morons who comment on said “news” pieces with personal attacks.

I don’t have much love for President Obama. In fact, I don’t have much love for ANY politician. But I have even less love for people on either side of the political aisle who would take time out of their day to make “fat” jokes about the First Lady over something as light-hearted and innocuous as her guest appearance on Ellen.

During the Bush administration, anything “W” did—and I mean anything—was immediately used as evidence of his so-called incompetence or a desire to steal your civil liberties. Likewise, there seems to be a bizarre group of people who are simply enraged at Michelle Obama’s mere existence. The Obama’s have a very nice family and two lovely kids. Michelle generally stays under the radar and has one pet issue—healthy eating. There are some legitimate public policy concerns over how she would address America’s obesity problem if she was an elected official…but overall she’s harmless. So if you find yourself calling her “fat” or “a b**ch” online after she appears on a daytime television show…then YOU probably have psychological issues. Or you’re just a really angry, bitter person.

I don’t agree with almost anything Ms. Obama says politically, but I’d rather have her as First Lady then someone with a dominant Stepford Wife gene on full display.

NBC’s Fear Factor Semen Stunt: Has America Aborted Itself?

The United States has worried about terrorism for over a deacade. Maybe it should have worried about culturally aborting itself.

Last Independence Day, I happily blogged that The United States was not New Zealand, where men and women willingly went to festivals and did shots of horse semen. Today, I sadly report that NBC’s Fear Factor plans to air a segment where contestants drink donkey semen AND urine. Has America officially aborted itself?

There are a lot of ways a country can judge its health. There are economic indicators, like the debt to GDP ratio. There are immigration statistics. There are “national mood” polls (i.e., right track/wrong track). Any number of those things can offer a snapshot into the vitality and well being of a nation. However, nationally-televised donkey semen drinking contests might be one of those “Case Closed” examples that demonstrate for everyone that the cultural state of the nation is “dead.”

For years we’ve worried about the threat of terrorists when, ironically, we’ve been killing our culture from within. Mike Judge directed the movie Idiocracy, but he didn’t need to—it’s here now. Overseas, soldiers fight for words like “freedom” and “liberty,” but they’re fighting for outdated definitions. Today, freedom is completely detached from the notion of natural rights, and is instead interpreted as “freedom to do whatever the f**k I want, consequences be damned.” The word “liberty” is divorced from the personal responsibility and self-restraint of the founders. Instead, muscled-up meat heads and fake-boobed bimbos giggle on television as losers like Joe Rogan see how little someone will self their dignity for.

The United States may have officially aborted itself. But at least the ratings were through the roof, right Joe?

Tim Tebow: Good Guy Targeted because it’s Easy to Be Bad.

I’ve covered a lot of bizarre things, but perhaps none more Bizarre than Tim Tebow. He is bizarre in that he seems absolutely, 100%, without-a-doubt genuine. This would not be such a big deal if he was a freak or a deviant, because genuinely-freaky people are easy to find. No, Tim Tebow appears to be genuinely good. He appears to practice what he preaches:

Remember last week, when the world was pulling its hair out in the hour after Tebow had stunned the Pittsburgh Steelers with an 80-yard OT touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas in the playoffs? And Twitter was exploding with 9,420 tweets about Tebow per second? When an ESPN poll was naming him the most popular athlete in America?
Tebow was spending that hour talking to 16-year-old Bailey Knaub about her 73 surgeries so far and what TV shows she likes…
Even though sometimes-fatal Wegener’s granulomatosis has left Bailey with only one lung, the attention took her breath away.
“It was the best day of my life,” she emailed. “It was a bright star among very gloomy and difficult days. Tim Tebow gave me the greatest gift I could ever imagine. He gave me the strength for the future. I know now that I can face any obstacle placed in front of me. Tim taught me to never give up because at the end of the day, today might seem bleak but it can’t rain forever and tomorrow is a new day, with new promises.”
I read that email to Tebow, and he was honestly floored.
“Why me? Why should I inspire her?” he said. “I just don’t feel, I don’t know, adequate. Really, hearing her story inspires me.”

What makes the Tim Tebow phenomenon so interesting isn’t his on-field play, the off-field altruism, or the fans—but the hatred he often inspires from his detractors. If Tebow is as good of a person as he seems, his critics must do whatever they can to diminish his success; good people in the limelight remind us how flawed the rest of us are. Good people on center stage force us to become better people, or to become bitter and angry as denial becomes more difficult.

No matter what happens to Tim Tebow from here on out, no one can take away the cultural impact he’s already had. Millions of people have already been affected by him. How many people have read John 3:16? How many people have reexamined their own life and made calibrations based on the example Tebow has set? How many people have looked at his humble responses and selfless service and turned over a new leaf? It’s amazing when you step back and think about it.

Everyone loves a winner, and it will be fascinating to see the cultural impact that occurs if an openly unapologetic Christian man is able to have sustained success playing America’s most popular sport. Because nature always seeks to create a balance, a star that burns so strong and so bright for good will certainly bring out the worst in others. Nothing would bring greater joy to Tebow’s critics than to bring him down with his own discharged gun still smoking with hypocrisy. Sadly, the odds of this happening are good, since all of us are flawed. All of us are fallible. All of us have moments of weakness. That’s why this blog exists. But if Tim Tebow is the outlier we’ve been waiting for, and he’s able to avoid the kind of public slip-up so many of us are prone to, it will be something special indeed.

I don’t often root for too many people, but I’m rooting for Tim Tebow.

Ron Paul’s Grape Jelly Paraphilia Overlooked by Supporters.

With the Iowa caucuses just a few days away, a thorough analysis should be done on Ron Paul’s supporters. For instance, despite volumes of racist, anti-semitic writings that he signed off on over the years, their support does not waver. Despite doing his best to ingratiate himself with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, they still see him as the closest thing to George Washington since the Founder’s death. And despite being perhaps the only American to criticize the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden (Paul wishes we worked more closely with ISI, who conveniently couldn’t find him hiding a block away from a major Pakistani military base)—the Paulbots’ support stands firm.

All this is about to change, as there are reportedly pictures of Ron Paul, naked and slathered in grape jelly, in the hands of The New York Times. An anonymous source claims Paul has a food fetish, otherwise known as sitophilia. On days when the self-appointed master of all things “Constitution” isn’t blasting the fed or lamenting the legality of The Civil Rights Act, he’s practicing his God-given right to strip down to his bare essentials, hit the cupboard filled with Welch’s Grape Jelly, and slather himself up in sticky goodness.

Asked about this unforeseen event, Iowans for Ron Paul President, Guy Fawkes (he refuses to use his real name), said:

“Just as I fight for every American’s freedom of speech—even speech I wholeheartedly disagree with—I will fight for every American’s right to practice their paraphilia as they see fit. If this picture surfaces it will only reinforce my belief that Ron Paul is the right man for the job. Ron Paul is anti-establishment, and what can be more anti-establishment than racist newsletters written by a man who would rather cover himself in jelly than the blood of innocent civilians killed in a war for oil.”

Sources close to the story claim that it will drop a day after the Iowa’s results are in, if Paul wins. Short of a Barack Obama Peanut Butter expose, this story is set to rule whatever news cycle it’s launched in.

Lucas and Spielberg Get 70 Minute Christmas Beat Down

George Lucas and Steven Spielberg became successful and gave themselves the CEO Suite on the top floor. Over time it turned into self-imposed solitary confinement. They inadvertantly created a rubber room for themselves, and were driven mad by their own genius. Don't let that happen to you.

This Christmas, if you’ve asked Santa to deliver George Lucas and Steven Spielberg a verbal lashing that would make Indiana Jones’ whip look like a kids toy, you can rest easy: The man behind the Star Wars: Phantom Menace review from God has returned, with a 70 minute withering review that leaves Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull shattered.

If you’re not familiar with the Mr. Plinkett character, it must be noted that although he’s disturbing, his reviews are generally the work of genius. And, while I generally feel that Christmas is a time where we should rejoice and be glad instead of dwelling on disappointments and holding a grudge, George Lucas is The Grinch Whole Stole Star Wars’ Greatness.

Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are both case studies in what happens to great men—visionary men—when they become isolated by their success. They are essentially the CEO who sits on the top floor alone, making decisions without ever getting honest feedback from the foot soldiers they oversee. Steven Spielberg’s slow decline is generally more forgivable, since he’s responsible for some of the greatest movies of all time. Lucas must be brow-beaten because what he did with his masterpiece was the equivalent of Leonardo da Vinc painting the Mona Lisa, hanging it up for the world to see, and then taking it down so he could pop a squat, spray it with diarrhea, and call it modern art.

Mr. Plinkett’s Crystal Skull review is a verbal thrashing of two titans from the Hollywood industry seldom seen. It’s glorious. In 70 minutes he exposes the world to the sad state of affairs two once-great directors are in. They are victims of their own success. How so?

1. Young gun filmmakers set out to change the film industry as they know it. They push the envelope, but because they’re young they’re still questioned along the way (and they also happen to question themselves). There’s push-back, and they must think through their creative decisions and be able to defend them.
2. Young gun filmmakers succeed in changing the industry as we know it. They amass enough power to do whatever they want, without having to answer (rarely, if ever) to their skeptics.
3. Old filmmakers no longer seek to change the industry, but to relive the successes of their youth. In Lucas’ case, he appears to be more interested  in making money off of toys than telling a good story… Surrounded by yes men, their worst ideas are met with nods of approval and two thumbs up. Jar Jar Binks and Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull are born.

So what’s the moral of the story? The moral of the story is to always ask questions. The moral of the story is to surround yourself with friends who will be honest with you, who will push you to defend your positions, and who just might be better than you at what you do best. If Lucas and Spielberg were smart, they’d surround themselves with the best and brightest young people in the industry—kids with a reputation of being tactful, yet tenacious. They would hire young writers and directors who respect the genius of Jaws, but seek to transcend it with their own stories yet to make it to the big screen.

At some point in time the CEO Suite becomes self-imposed solitary confinement, a rubber room that allows men to be driven mad by their own genius. Or was that driven “sad”? Either way, Mr. Plinkett’s reviews are a public service to any up-and-comer who thinks that their creative endeavors will bring them fame and fortune. When success comes—and it will—don’t lose sight of the kind of environment that honed your skills to begin with. Ask questions, seek out advice, be willing to admit you’re wrong, and hire the type of individuals who could pick up your job at a moment’s notice. If you do, you just might change the world long after conventional wisdom says you’ve reached your expiration date.