Ron Paul’s Grape Jelly Paraphilia Overlooked by Supporters.

With the Iowa caucuses just a few days away, a thorough analysis should be done on Ron Paul’s supporters. For instance, despite volumes of racist, anti-semitic writings that he signed off on over the years, their support does not waver. Despite doing his best to ingratiate himself with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, they still see him as the closest thing to George Washington since the Founder’s death. And despite being perhaps the only American to criticize the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden (Paul wishes we worked more closely with ISI, who conveniently couldn’t find him hiding a block away from a major Pakistani military base)—the Paulbots’ support stands firm.

All this is about to change, as there are reportedly pictures of Ron Paul, naked and slathered in grape jelly, in the hands of The New York Times. An anonymous source claims Paul has a food fetish, otherwise known as sitophilia. On days when the self-appointed master of all things “Constitution” isn’t blasting the fed or lamenting the legality of The Civil Rights Act, he’s practicing his God-given right to strip down to his bare essentials, hit the cupboard filled with Welch’s Grape Jelly, and slather himself up in sticky goodness.

Asked about this unforeseen event, Iowans for Ron Paul President, Guy Fawkes (he refuses to use his real name), said:

“Just as I fight for every American’s freedom of speech—even speech I wholeheartedly disagree with—I will fight for every American’s right to practice their paraphilia as they see fit. If this picture surfaces it will only reinforce my belief that Ron Paul is the right man for the job. Ron Paul is anti-establishment, and what can be more anti-establishment than racist newsletters written by a man who would rather cover himself in jelly than the blood of innocent civilians killed in a war for oil.”

Sources close to the story claim that it will drop a day after the Iowa’s results are in, if Paul wins. Short of a Barack Obama Peanut Butter expose, this story is set to rule whatever news cycle it’s launched in.

Rick Perry Sticks Wedge Issue Where It Doesn’t Belong, Leaves America Feeling Raw.

Rick Perry’s newest ad, “Strong” is the kind of political ad that only a desperate or crazy man would run. Correction: A desperately crazy man could have made it as well. In Rick Perry’s perfect world, gay soldiers are covered in camouflage and told to shove their sexuality into a little birdhouse in their soul.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian, but you don’t need to be in the pew every Sunday to know there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.  As President, I’ll end Obama’s war on religion. And I’ll fight against liberal attacks on our religious heritage. Faith made America strong. It can make her strong again. I’m Rick Perry and I approve this message. (Emphasis added.)

If someone wants to be the President of the United States of America, is it really a good idea to start dividing people before they’re even elected? Barack Obama doesn’t have a “war on religion.” Were his gay paratroopers landing in Texas and ripping Bibles from the hands of babes? If so, I didn’t see them. I also haven’t seen a lot of jobs created since Barack Obama has been in office, so perhaps the Perry campaign would have been better off talking about the things people care most about—things like putting food on the table.

Question: When that openly gay solider with his legs blown off in Afghanistan wakes up in his hospital bed and turns on the television, does he really deserve to have Rick Perry denigrating him be the first thing he hears? When Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed how many Republicans in Congress made a fuss over it? Not many. In fact, the GOP was mighty silent up on the Hill for that one. Sure, Barack Obama was busy capitulating to the Russians at the time and screwing over our allies (i.e., the New START treaty), but members of Congress certainly let it be known that they weren’t up for a spirited discussion about gays in the military.

What makes Rick Perry’s ad even worse is that he feeds into all the ugliest stereotypes of Conservative Christians. He pulls out his big fat wedge issue and rams it into parts of the American discourse where it doesn’t belong. There’s certainly the proper entry point for the cultural dialogue he seeks, but instead the Texas governor goes the route that causes the most amount of bleeding. Sure, he feels good…but it leaves the rest of us feeling raw and violated.

Get off…the stage, Rick Perry. You’re a joke.

Herman Cain Suspends Campaign. History Wonders: Playa Extraordinaire?

Herman Cain has suspended his campaign and started a new website. History is left to wonder if the allegations were ever true. I hope not, but if they are it can only mean one thing: Herman Cain is a Playa Extraordinaire.

Herman Cain has officially suspended his campaign. It’s over. And in its place is thecainsolutions.com. Since a number of accusers have popped up over the past month he’s been accused of sexual harassment, language that made a woman feel “uncomfortable” (not that hard to do, but it garnered media attention), and a 13 year affair with Ginger White.

What’s most interesting about all of these women is that, in their own right, all of them that media have looked into appear to have tinctures of nuttiness at best, and full-blown weirdness at worst (e.g., charged with stalking and sued for libel). Does that mean that Cain is the victim of a massive liberal conspiracy, as he has been known to suggest? Of course not.

I now put before you an alternative, much more likely scenario: Herman Cain is a Playa Extraordinaire. My very first post was, in fact, The Cheating Manifesto for the Unrepentant Politician, so I know a thing or two about the deviant psyche. And, while I don’t like giving away too many secrets (I need them for myself), I’ll make this exception since Herman Cain appears to dabble in the dark arts of alcohol-inspired debauchery.

• If you are going to cheat on your significant other you do NOT cheat on her with a beautiful woman. Wrong move, Private. Instead, you look for the most hideous, out-of-shape specimen you can find. If you don’t have the stomach for this, do what Herman Cain (may) have done, which is to find women who possess such qualities on a psychological level.
• If you are going to cheat on your significant other, you should be able to walk up to your wife an admit you did so—only to have her laugh in your face and continue on with whatever it was she was doing when you interrupted her. If your lie is so big and “bold” (a word Herman uses often) that no one will believe it, you’ve won half the battle. The rest mostly involves being able to live with yourself, knowing that you’re a horrible person.

Note: I do not advocate doing this. In fact, I believe that such a lifestyle is not conducive to mental, physical, or spiritual health. However, if you’re going to do it (in a free society we’re also free to be stupid), then I might as well help you minimize the damage to the surrounding community. There is a certain chivalry among liars, and one rule they live by is that when it blows up it should mostly blow up in their face, with the collateral damage only being those unfortunate enough to be standing by the blast area.

Herman Cain, if you’ve done any of things you’ve been accused of, I feel sorry for your wife Gloria. The “Playas” of the world, however, salute you.

An Interview with Mitt Romney

After years of attempts, I finally landed an interview with Mitt Romney. If you want to know why he needs pictures of himself on hand at all times, this interview is for you.

Regulars to this blog know that I  love a good interview, and this week I finally landed one with Mitt Romney. I’ve been asking him for awhile, but he’s been on the campaign trail for the past couple of decades. Kindly, he was able to squeeze me into his schedule this past weekend.

Dr. Bizarre: Thanks for sitting down with me, Governor. Bizarre readers will be in for a real treat. I was hoping you could talk a bit about your 59 point plan to get the economy going again.

Mitt Romney: Actually, we found that no one knows what the 59 point plan is; it’s not sinking in for some reason, so we’ve updated it. It’s now the 118 point plan.

Dr. Bizarre: Don’t you think it would be easier to familiarize voters with a key principles that they can then apply to any public policy proposal? It seems to me that a citizenry armed with a solid understanding of core principles is what the country needs right now, not 59, or 118, or 177 “points.”

Mitt Romney: If you go to my website you’ll see an image of the night sky. If you scroll over the shining stars there’s a description of each of my points. If you connect them all together it forms a constellation: my face. My presidential face. Check it out. I think you’ll understand better when you get there.

Dr. Bizarre: Governor, one criticism of you is that you want to be president just a little too bad, and it creeps people out. What would you say to those critics that sense a weirdly ambitious man who seems to think only he can lead us out of the malaise the country is in right now?

Mitt Romney: Do I look at myself in the mirror, imagine I’m the president, and masturbate? Sure. But who doesn’t do that? Next question.

Dr. Bizarre: What about Romneycare? It seems as though your solution for the state of Massachusetts’ health care woes was, in many ways, a blueprint for Obamacare?

Mitt Romney: My failures are isolated to the state level, whereas Barrack Obama’s are national mandates for failure. States are supposed to be public policy laboratories, and mine was.

Dr. Bizarre: So you acknowledge that Romneycare is a failure?

Mitt Romney: Do you have a picture of me in your suitcase, there? I have something…I have something… in my pants I need to take care of.

I hope my readers will forgive me for not “sticking” around for the end of the interview, especially given that when someone’s moniker is “Dr. Bizarre” they’re almost contractually obligated to do so.

I’ll leave it up to you, the reader (and voter) to determine if Romey is the guy who should win the GOP nomination.

Iowa Republican Group: Ticking Off Black People New Presidential Litmus Test.

Mitt Romney has refused to sign a gay marriage pledge—the same one that until recently included phrases that ticked off a number of black people by citing black out-of-wedlock birth rates between today and pre-abolition. Instead of alienating black and gay voters by signing an inconsequential piece of paper by a group of primary voters, Romney wants to lose the 2012 election on his own merits.

DES MOINES, Iowa (AP) — Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign said Tuesday that he will not sign a conservative Iowa Christian group’s far-reaching pledge opposing gay marriage, making him the first Republican presidential candidate to reject it.

 

Two of Romney’s rivals for the Republican nomination, Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann and former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, have signed the The Family Leader’s 14-point pledge, which calls on the candidates to denounce same-sex marriage rights, pornography, same-sex military accommodations and forms of Islamic law.

 

When it was first circulated last week, the introduction to the pledge stated that African American children were more likely to be raised in two-parent households when they were born into slavery than they are today. The group struck that language and apologized after black ministers complained, but it said it stands by the rest of the document.

In truth, the real reason why this story is annoying is because once again someone gave Whoopie Goldberg and the women of The View another opportunity to rant and rave before a larger audience. Whoopie Goldberg shouldn’t say a word about Michele Bachmann, since Michele Bachman wasn’t the one who came up with term “rape-rape.” That honor goes to Ms. Goldberg (who also doesn’t know what the word “suffrage” means). Should a woman who doesn’t know what Women’s Suffrage is be allowed to vote? It’s an interesting question…

When it comes to racial issues, the Republican Party is like a mentally unstable guy who starts bashing his head against a brick wall. The more he does it, the more he loses control of his faculties. This causes a disturbing cycle that only builds on itself. People around him urge him to stop, but he keeps going and often intensifies his efforts as the damage grows. If Republican candidates want to pander to politically tone deaf organizations with silly pledges, they deserve to lose. You don’t win over the black vote by jumping at the first opportunity to annoy them.

Whoopie Goldberg? Is she mentally unstable? She dated Ted Danson. Nuff said.

On A Desert Island With Another Man, Would Pawlenty Go Gay? He Doesn’t Know.

Tim Pawlenty showed the kind of leadership America has come to expect in its presidents when asked whether or not homosexuality was behavioral or a choice (i.e., he showed none). Two straight men stranded on a desert island might cut a deal after a few months and do each other a “favor” every once-in-awhile. That’s called behavioral. The second grade kid who has a thing for all things feminine while the boys around him are rolling around in mud? That’s called genetic.

By and large the vast majority of gay people are gay because…they were born that way. Others are just adventurous or freaky or experimental. Those people are outliers. While it’s annoying that Sunday morning talk shows feel the need to concentrate on gay issues when the country is in dealing with federal deficits that will leave America an impotent mess, I can’t help but be saddened with the Republican Party if Tim Pawlenty is the best they have to offer.

And yes, Barack Obama is just as bad (remember, his position is “evolving” on gay rights). On issue after issue our elected leaders are so managed and so scripted that they can’t even give the American people some straight talk without turning to a focus group. I’d rather vote for a candidate who I vehemently disagree with 10% of the time than someone who I sorta, kinda, hope I agree with 95% of the time because he refuses to give a straight answer.

Tim Pawlenty—you’re the most boring Republican candidate out there. Congratulations on taking the opportunity to once again reinforce that image on today’s Meet the Press:

“As I understand the science, there’s no current conclusion that it’s genetic,” Pawlenty said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

Saying he preferred to “defer to the scientists” about the issue, the former Minnesota governor said it was unclear if being gay or lesbian was a lifestyle choice.

“There’s no scientific conclusion that it’s genetic. We don’t know that. So, we don’t know to what extent it’s behavioral,” Pawlenty said. “That’s something that has been debated by scientists for a long time.”

Guess what, Tim? Economists have debated whether Top Down policy making is a good idea for ages, but you seem to have come out swinging in favor of the supply-siders. Why can’t you be just as forceful on cultural issues? The answer is easy: because you’re the kind of white guy Eddie Murphy mocked on Saturday Night Live back when it was actually funny. You walk around with your butt cheeks clenched tight because that’s what happens to people who are perpetually nervous voters might get a taste of who they really are.

Want to make waves, T-Paw? Before your next stump speech take notes on how to talk about gay people by Eddie Murphy. You’ll never be elected again, but the video will be played for generations.