Obama changes his mind: On second thought, how about some U.S. troops in Syria?

US Syria troops Obama

President Obama said for years that he wasn’t going to send U.S. troops into Syria, but like the urge to kill a man with a Predator drone instead of bringing him in for interrogation (and dealing with all those legal formalities), some things are just too hard to resist.

NBC News reported Friday:

The U.S. will send a small number of U.S. special operations forces into Syria as part of a shift in its strategy against ISIS, White House officials announced Friday.

President Barack Obama has authorized a contingent of fewer than 50 commandos to deploy into northern Syria and work with moderate opposition forces who are fighting the militants.

While the White House has consistently said it would not put U.S. boots on the ground, spokesman Josh Earnest insisted that they will be there in a “train, advise and assist mission” — and not in a combat role.

President Obama says troops will only be in an “advise and assist” role like a teenage boy tells his girlfriend he’ll only put in the tip…right before accidentally impregnating her.

The key to success on the battlefield is to treat war just like a responsible but sexually-active young man treats intercourse with his girlfriend.

  • Be upfront and clear about your intentions with your partner.
  • If you go in, go all the way — but make sure to come prepared.
  • Do not commit to anything you will regret later.

Middle East map

The problem with Mr. Obama is that no one knows what his intentions are, he only sort-of-kind-of-maybe commits to allies around the globe, and as a result he ends up creating messes he must then try to fix with more diplomatic sex-games.

Consider for a moment, if you will:

  • Announcing a “red line” in Syria for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad if he uses chemical weapons, and then doing nothing once that line is crossed.
  • Calling (and treating) the Islamic State group like a “J.V. Team” as it marched across Iraq, and then having to send U.S. troops back in after having pulled them all out in 2011.
  • Announcing a pull-out date for troops in Afghanistan, which allowed Taliban and al-Qaeda terrorists to set up attack timetables accordingly. The result: U.S. troops must now stay longer in Afghanistan.

Mr. Obama is the guy who used to play kinky sex games with “safe” words, and then wondered why his partner wound up in the hospital. He is the guy who tells his date he has a condom, but then gets so drunk he forgets to put it on in the dark and winds up with a child nine months later. And his is the guy who drinks with his partner at the bar and then inexplicably leaves her alone with two male acquaintances because he wanted to go home early.

The reason the U.S. must now enter Syria in a heightened military capacity is because the president’s other diplomatic sex-games (e.g., airstrikes…airstrikes…airstrikes) have failed. He is the virgin who shows up to an orgy; the results are entirely predictable.

Here’s to all the special operators out there…especially the ones who talk dirty to me.

Black Lives Matter to target Twin Cities Marathon: Cardiovascular health racist

Many Americans may think there are no connections between police brutality, racism, and the random citizen who laces up his favorite pair of Asics to run 26.2 miles on any given Sunday — but they are wrong.

Black Lives Matter is gearing up to protest the Twin Cities Marathon this weekend, because if black lives do not matter, then no man should be able to enjoy the benefits of cardiovascular health in peace. In fact, to do so is slightly racist.

The Star Tribune reported Tuesday:

Four days before more than 11,000 runners line up for the start of Sunday’s Medtronic Twin Cities Marathon, the threat by protesters to disrupt the 26.2-mile race has some marathoners on edge about their safety, while others are angry that months of training could be jeopardized as they approach the finish line.

The St. Paul chapter of Black Lives Matter says it’s planning on “shutting down” the annual October running event near the finish at the State Capitol to raise awareness of recent incidents involving St. Paul police and people of color. …

[Runner Tina] Hauser, of St. Cloud, said she refrained from commenting at first because she didn’t want to be perceived as being racist or unsympathetic to the Black Lives Matter cause. She merely wants organizers to better understand why disrupting the marathon isn’t a good idea.

The St. Paul group’s spokesman, Rashad Turner, declined an interview request but sent a text quoting Martin Luther King Jr. saying that “the Negro’s great stumbling block to freedom…is the white moderate who is more devoted to order than justice…who constantly says, ‘I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can’t agree with your methods of direct action.’ ”

[Perry Bach, part owner of Run N Fun], said the runners he’s talked to are unified in their dismay about the protest at the marathon. “Many of the runners support their cause,” Bach said. “But they’re not making progress by doing this.”

I agree with Rashad Turner of Black Lives Matter: The ends should always justify the means, and if you disagree — you’re racist!

Perhaps my years of hard-core drug use have muddled up my mind and made me unsympathetic to the “white privilege” of carbo-loading liberal road-runners, but I think he’s totally right: Might makes right. If you can do it — and you want to do it — do it. Just like Nike says, right? Never question whether or not you should do it…because then you’re just buying into a “system of oppression” that says it’s inappropriate to “shut down” events that may be totally unrelated to your cause.

Personally, I think Black Lives Matter should target emergency rooms. What could be more racist than an ER doctor frantically trying to save the life of a young inner-city black man who was shot (perhaps inadvertently) during an altercation between black gangs?

If Black Lives Matter really wants to change American culture, then it should march (nay, run!) after the Twin Cities Marathon to a St. Paul hospital and scream at people with massive internal bleeding and head trauma.

I wasn’t going to attend the Twin Cities Marathon this year, primarily due to the fact that I’m usually running to find the next big drug, but I may make an exception this time around. I’d love to cheer on Black Lives Matter as it mutates into something deliciously bizarre.

Black Lives Matter, you are truly an organization after my own heart.

Donald Trump soars in poll after eating feces; fans say act proves he plays by his own rules

Trump APA snap poll conducted Tuesday after billionaire Donald Trump ate his own feces on live television showed yet another spike in popularity. The Republican hopeful engaged in the odd gesture during a sit-down interview with CNN’s Chief Washington Correspondent, Jake Tapper.

“I’m going to make America great again,” Mr. Trump said while rummaging around in his underwear. “I’m going to make America great again.”

CNN’s Tapper, obviously flustered, tried to maintain some semblance of composure during the act.

“Mr. Trump, you just ate your own waste,” said Mr. Tapper. “I…I don’t know what to say. You’re going to get sick. Should I call a doctor?”

The billionaire scoffed at the question.

“Do you know who needs a doctor? Ch-EYE-na. When I make America great again. Losers.”

CNN conducted a scientific poll with 500 Republican primary voters shortly after the broadcast. Although many thought the question was a joke for some sort of satirical piece on the billionaire’s cult-like following, they eventually came around.

“Trump is going to make America great again,” said Bill McDill of Iowa. “We need a strong leader, and you can’t get stronger than a man who can stomach a plate of his own excrement. If this is true, then he’s earned my vote.”

A young man who only wished to be identified as Skrillex Dubstep said that criticism of Trump’s actions was proof that the “elite” media were out to get the man.

“The Donald thinks outside the box. In this case he’s thinking outside the butt. He plays by his own rules. I like it. I like it a lot. I don’t really have time to explain it to CNN and the GOP establishment, but it’s genius. Make America great again!”

Corey Lewandowski, Mr. Trump’s campaign manager, declined to offer much when asked for comment on the CNN spectacle.

“Right now I almost feel as though I’m operating in a piece of satire,” said Mr. Lewandowski, The Associated Press reported. “Trump voters will not be turned off to a strong leader over ‘feces-gate,’ or whatever you want to call it, so you might as well move on to the real issue — making America great again.”

When contacted about Mr. Trump’s actions, Fox News host Sean Hannity said he was “still undecided” on whether or not to back the billionaire, Satire News reported. “If America is ever going to be great again, then we can’t be sidetracked by distractions. This appears to be a distraction.”

Dalai Lama: Obama is the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain

Dalai Lama APThe Obama administration was blindsided Monday when a press release attributed to the Dalai Lama said that, after much meditation, it was determined U.S. President Barack Obama was the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain.

“The universal consciousness is a steaming brew of all sorts of cosmic mysteries, but every so often a bubble forms that we’ve seen before. Mr. Obama’s nuclear deal with a regime that openly threatens to destroy the United States of America is an indicator that Mr. Chamberlain has returned. It is for this reason that, should I die in the next few years, I may choose not to reincarnate.” — (The Dalai Lama)

Mr. Chamberlain is infamously known for holding up an agreement between he and Adolph Hilter not to go to war with Britain. The Munich Agreement of 1938 didn’t bring about “peace for our time,” but instead the invasion of Poland and the outbreak of World War II.

Neville ChamberlainWhite House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was respectful, but skeptical, of the Dalai Lama’s claims.

“The Obama administration is slightly confused by the message sent by His Holiness, but we will not engage in a debate on reincarnation with the spiritual master. We know that he is a man of peace — just like Mr. Obama — and it is for that reason we are not brushing off his declaration as a bizarre form of satire,” Mr. Earnest told reporters. “We believe that peace can be had, even if it means giving billions of dollars to theocratic police states that sponsor global terrorism and call for the destruction of America and its allies.”

A spokesman for His Holiness said there is no political motive behind acknowledging the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain — Mr. Obama “just is.”

The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) was able to secure comment by the nation’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, on the news of Mr. Chamberlain’s reincarnation.

“Death to America! Death to America! Death to America!” the Iranian leader said, IRNA reported.

Islamic State creates Rand Paul Super PAC after NSA program lapses: ‘Elect this infidel’

Rand Paul NSAKentucky senator Rand Paul may be getting a strange bit of assistance for his presidential campaign: a Super PAC run by Islamic State sleeper cells within the United States. Muhammad Mcallah of the “72 Virgins Brigade” released a statement to media outlets early Monday morning praising the Republican’s efforts to stop the Patriot Act.

First, The Associated Press reported on the senator’s efforts to kill the surveillance authorities granted to U.S. President Barack Obama:

WASHINGTON (AP) — In a remarkable turnaround, Senate Republicans have agreed to debate a House bill that would overhaul the National Security Agency’s handling of Americans’ calling records while preserving other domestic surveillance provisions.

But that move didn’t happen soon enough to prevent legal authority for the programs from expiring at midnight Sunday as Republican Sen. Rand Paul, a presidential contender, stood in the way of extending the program, angering his GOP colleagues and frustrating intelligence and law enforcement officials.

Now, the question is whether the Senate will pass a bill the House can live with. If so, the surveillance programs will resume, with some significant changes in how the phone records are handled. If not, they will remain dormant.

Mr. Mcallah said that he was confident the terror group’s political action committee could raise tens-of-millions of dollars for Sen. Paul’s presidential campaign based solely on his actions Sunday night.

“Allahu Akbar! God is great! I almost feel as though I’m living in a piece of satire. Somebody pinch me. Calls have been coming in from all over the globe — calls not monitored by that pesky NSA — about Mr. Paul’s efforts to kill the Patriot Act. Not in our wildest dreams would we have suspected an American politician capable of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but we were wrong. Elect this infidel! If I am ever in a position to behead the good senator from Kentucky, I vow as Allahu is my witness that I will give him an honorable death. It will be as quick and painless as possible. But until that day comes, I and the sleeper cells of United States of America firmly stand behind Rand Paul’s bid for the presidency.”

The Kentucky senator’s campaign manager, Chip Englander, refused to comment on the Sunni radical terrorist organization’s Super PAC. Instead, he opted to stay on message. “I stand with Rand, because when we don’t stand with Rand we all fall down,” Mr. Englander said, Reuters reported.

Harry Reid: Baltimore mom who slapped masked son during riots should be investigated for abuse

Baltimore MomSen. Harry Reid, who infamously lied about Mitt Romney’s tax returns during the 2012 presidential election, said Wednesday that the Baltimore mom who slapped her masked son during Monday’s riots should be investigated for child abuse.

“He gave me eye contact. And at that point, you know, not even thinking about cameras or anything like that — that’s my only son and at the end of the day I don’t want him to be a Freddie Gray. At that point, I just lost it. I was shocked, I was angry, because you never want to see your child out there doing that,” Toya Graham told CBS on Wednesday. The Democrat from Nevada didn’t see it that way.

Freddie Gray, 25, died April 19 of wounds that occurred during his arrest by the Baltimore Police Department April 12. Mr. Reid’s office put out a statement Wednesday countering the claim that a mother’s slap should ever be used to prevent another “Freddie Gray” from dying:

“Ms. Graham may be trying to do her best as a single mother raising six children, but that does not give her an excuse to resort to physical violence to stop her son from arson, looting, and throwing concrete blocks at cops.

If the only way to stop Baltimore from burning is to slap an unruly child, then I say ‘Let the city burn!’ As liberals, we know that violence is never the answer. It takes a village to raise a child, but that village must have an abundance of ‘time out’ corners and Jack Kerouac poetry readings to realize its full potential.”

Mr. Reid’s admonishment echoes a sentiment shared by other liberal critics of Ms. Graham.

Baltimore Mom CBS interviewUSA Today reported Wednesday:

The single mother of six children is facing some backlash on social media for beating her son in such a public manner.

“Hypocrisy of the law, she should be arrested for assault, battery and child abuse,” said one tweet by a user identified as @cotrial.

Others questioned why anyone would condone or celebrate her actions.

“Tired of hearing about this Baltimore ‘Mom of the Year,'” said a tweet under the handle @DaAnGrYASiAN. “If she raised her son better, she wouldn’t have needed to do that.”

When Mr. Reid’s office was asked if his battered and bloodied body was the result of a hypocritical altercation the devolved into violence, a spokesman for the Democratic senator responded, “Am I living in a piece of satire? The only person who is allowed to recklessly throw out unsubstantiated claims about others is Mr. Reid. No further comment.”

Send in the Moms Baltimore NY PostThe video of Ms. Graham restraining her son has over 3 million views on YouTube in less than 48 hours.

Vanessa J. Summers, Indiana lawmaker of racist baby charge, says a fetus can also be racist

Vanessa Summers FBThe political world was introduced to Indiana lawmaker Vanessa Summers on March 24 when she told a Republican colleague that his 18-month-old son was racist. All the media attention that followed prompted her to cut her Facebook account. Prior to the radio silence, however, it was revealed that she also believes that fetuses still inside the womb can also be racist.

For those who aren’t up to speed, the Indy Star reported on the Indiana Democrat last Tuesday:

The already contentious debate over Indiana’s proposed “religious freedom” bill took a surreal twist Monday afternoon when — in the midst of discussion on the bill — a Democratic lawmaker said that a Republican lawmaker’s child was “scared” of her because she is black.

The comment by Rep. Vanessa Summers drew audible gasps, in no small part because the child — the son of Rep. Jud McMillin — is 18 months old.

“I told Jud McMillin I love his son, but he’s scared of me because of my color,” Summers told McMillin, who is white, during debate over the Religious Freedom Restoration Act in the House.

The comment was made as state representatives jousted over Indiana’s controversial religious liberty bill, which critics say is discriminatory towards gay and lesbian citizens.

Prior to locking down her Facebook account, Ms. Summers said:

“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about over this. I’ve known for years that babies can be racist. One time I put my hand on a constituent’s stomach and I could feel that fetus move. It was a racist movement — a quick jerk as if it believed that by getting too close to a black woman its stem cells might be altered. Perhaps it thought its pigmentation would darken. This may sound like a piece of satire, but I assure you that it is not. I would even go so far as to say that a white zygote is possible of racist behavior when observed under a microscope by a black scientist. Don’t quote me on that because I’m still looking into it.”

Audio of Ms. Summers’ initial racism charge has been made available by multiple news outlets, including The Daily Beast on March 27.

“He looked at me like I was a monster and turned around and cried. And I told him you need to introduce your child to some people that are dark-skinned so he will not be scared,” the Democrat told the Indy Star.

Rep. Jud McMillin denied the charge. “I can tell you that if he reacted the same way he reacts with anybody brand new, he buries his head in his dad’s shoulder. Whoever it is, it’s what he does. He’s an 18-month-old kid; he’s in a new environment up here in the place like the Statehouse but doesn’t know anybody. I honestly don’t remember anything out of the ordinary,” he told the Indy Star.

When asked about racist zygotes, he took a more diplomatic stance.

“If Ms. Summers believes that racist mitosis is possible, then I suppose that will have to be studied vigorously using the scientific method. Personally, I do not believe a fetus is capable of telegraphing such unacceptable behavior in the womb. I once heard Ms. Summers say, ‘If a fetus can feel pain, it can inflict pain — including racial injustice,’ but that seems like a stretch to me,” the Republican lawmaker wrote on Facebook March 28.

Calls to Ms. Summers’ office for comment on racist zygotes have been unsuccessful.