Bin Laden’s Porn Stash: Media Give a Dog…a Boner.

The revelation (or was that “propaganda”?) that Seal Team 69 found porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer is a fascinating one. The kind of porn a man watches says a lot about him. And, while the astute observer can probably say that about the way he ties his shoes or clips his toe nails, the task at hand becomes harder when the activity analyzed is more mundane. It makes no sense for “anonymous” officials to mention that the world’s Most Wanted Terrorist watched dirty movies, and then not tell us what kind he relied on to cause suicide-explosions in his pants. All those would-be terrorists, abandoned in the dirty cotton skivvies of jihadist madman instead of dispensed inside one of his multiple wives. For what?

Think about it. Did Osama fancy American-made matures? Did he have a thing for Asian teens? Was there a crotchless burka fetish we need to know about? One can almost imagine the terrorist mastermind pumping one fist in anger and one fist in ecstasy to amateurs from Los Angeles, whispering “I hate you – but I love you – America…” (a single tear rolling down his cheek). A terrorist watching American porn is almost too easy – they hate us because they lust us. They yearn for our technology and toys and movies and music, but Sharia Law forbids it. Spending years memorizing the Koran loses its luster when wiki-Koran is ultimately at your fingertips, thanks to successful infidels like Bill Gates.

On the other hand, it would be a completely different story if bin Laden was getting hog-nasty with himself to hard-core underground North Korean porn. With that, we’d have to deduce that he was jealous of Kim Jong Il, his nuclear program, and the DPRK’s status on the world stage. And, because the North Koreans have the strange little habit of killing babies born with deformities, we’d know that bin Laden had a discriminating taste for perfection.

Other questions arrive when thinking about a jihadist’s daily porn-proclivities. For instance, what constitutes group-sex for a culture that’s already okay with multiple wives? For the terrorist with a stable of spouses, does he have to see males serviced by nine women for it to be considered sperm spill-worthy? What about the perpetual suicide-vest wearing foot soldiers, always ready for the authorities to knock down the doors and end the struggle – how does it affect one’s psyche to masturbate with bombs on your chest instead of a ready supply of absorbent paper towels?

For days the media grouched and complained that the world didn’t get to see Osama bin Laden’s dead body. But they were missing the real story, which was bin Laden’s secret stash of necrophilia films.

In all seriousness, the porn story wasn’t weird. It was predictable. Instead of focusing on the more serious aspects of bin Laden’s capture the media fed us…a boner. And like that guy with the nervous twitch for his black-bagged porn fix in your neighborhood’s dingy XXX store, we bought it. We should feel ashamed. And we should feel guilty. Kind of like we feel after we masturbate.

What would it mean if Osama was beating off to North Korean porn, as opposed to XXX movies made by the decendants of Thomas Jefferson? Who cares. Keep your eyes on the big picture.

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