Terrorists to MI5 Agents: Elton John Turns Me On, Peace Be Upon Him.

Only a decade ago terrorists were flying jet planes into large metropolitan areas. The U.S. ground to a halt—literally—on 9/11. Today, Islamic terrorist organizations are so desperate for a successful operation they’re willing to allow their “holy warriors” give the “I’m the type who hopes Allah rewards me with 72 virgin sausage slaps to the face when I die,” excuse.

A new terror training manual tells Islamic extremists to lie about their sexuality if a woman approaches them in case she is a “honeytrap” spy sent by security services.

The handbook, which was uncovered by a Sunday Mirror ­investigation, says: “Many hotels – especially in busy UK cities – have women hanging around the lobby areas in order to attract men.

“A young beautiful woman may come and talk to you. The first thing you do to protect yourself from such a ­situation is to make dua (prayers) to Allah for ­steadfastness.

“The second thing is to find an excuse to get away from her that is realistic and sensible, such as you having a girlfriend for the past few years and you are loyal to her or you are ­homosexual.”

A “healthy” terrorist organization wouldn’t put up with the Lady Gagaization of its future head choppers and suicide bombers. (Although, I suppose one should ask, “What is ‘healthy’ for an organization historically considers blown up women, civilians, the elderly, and the disabled a sign of success?”) Years ago these goons were going after The Great Satan! They were going to bring down the big, bad United States of America. Today? They’ve killed scores of Muslims to take out a negligible number of U.S. troops (let’s remember that over 50,000 troops died at Gettysburg alone if you’re the type that has trouble putting things into perspective). If these guys were having any traction at all with their plans of a world-wide caliphate they’d treat honeypot agents like they do their sisters (e.g., they’d attempt to kill them). Don’t believe me? Google ‘honor killing.’

While it upsets me that Hollywood has shied away from portraying terrorists as villains in most action flicks over the past decade due to political correctness, at this point I’m starting to think they’re really not worthy of the silver screen treatment. George Bush was supposed to be creating more terrorists, but it turns out he may have left us with a bunch of unprincipled scum who are willing to rub stubble with their partner-in-jihad over the flirtatious babe in a UK hotel lobby. James Bond would have sex with the government-sanctioned sex machine and then pull his silencer when she attempted to go Black Widow on him. Today’s Agent Jihad says a prayer and then says he’s gay. Despicable.

Barack Obama was supposed to be an anti-war socialist who would lose the War on Terror and cause all progress to come crashing down before his first term was up—but the Pacifist-in-Chief took out Osama Bin Laden and turned his body into chum for the sharks! No matter how you slice it, terrorist organizations are taking it on the chin. That war in Libya that’s not supposed to be a war? Started by the guy who won the Nobel Peace Prize, baby.

And finally, since when does MI5 have honeypot-worthy agents? Everyone knows that’s what China does best. If you’re dumb enough to fall for a female agent with Austin Powers teeth and a Simon Cowell body over the Commie hotness Americans have been bedding since the Cold War, you deserve to be thrown into Gitmo or a black site prison in Eastern Europe for years on end.

I’d continue, but I think there’s a Queen video with my name on it (featuring David Bowie, no less)!


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