It wasn’t too long ago that I snagged an interview with Anthony Weiner’s weiner. Like most sex scandals, that’s old news. People want to know about what’s going on now, and even better—what the future holds. Luckily, I have a contact with the Secret Society of Congressional Cheaters. I met with one of their rising stars (incognito, of course), and he agreed to give me a glimpse into the Cheating Congressional Husbands’ playbook for 2012 and beyond. The “Special Teams” Sex Scandal Addendum was included.
Dr. Bizarre: Congressman, it’s been an interesting year for the Congressional and political cheating male husbands. Anthony Weiner bloomed. Arnold Schwarzenegger left office in California and was outed prematurely—I know you had hoped he’d make it do DC before word leaked. Regardless, tell us how you feel.
Congressman X: Weiner was huge. Huge! The guy single-handedly commanded at least three news cycles. He did it while his wife was pregnant. Freakin’ amazing stuff. And what can I say about Arnold? He’s Mr. Universe when it comes to weightlifting, and he’s Mr. Universe when it comes to infidelity. I mean, how many guys could knock up the maid, have the kid in secret, and then keep her employed for so many years? Unbelievable stuff, and by a Republican no less.
Dr. Bizarre: Surreal, indeed. But what about 2012? There are some Congressional races coming up. There’s Obama’s reelection campaign. Are you afraid that Congressional adulterers will be replaced from office before their scandals can be revealed for maximum media coverage?
Congressman X: Listen, Bizarre. I’m going to basically spell out what we’re going to do. I’m going to do this because you won’t believe it. John Edwards is, in many ways, the Gold Standard for cheating DC politicians. The man was this close to being Vice President and he was impregnating women while his cancer-stricken wife was out on the trail telling the world what a stand up guy he was. It’s tough to match that. Luckily, we have a bi-partisan field of cheaters who are on board with what’s to come.
Dr. Bizarre: And that is?
Congressman X: The past few years have seen men cheat while their wives were pregnant. That’s become ho-hum. It would be nice if someone could pull off an affair in the hospital while their wife was actually giving birth…but let’s get real—2012 is going to be big. It has to be big. We have big deficits. We have big problems. As Americans, we dream big. And because of that, Congress is going to let them down bigger and badder than they ever have before.
Dr. Bizarre: Again, specifics?
Congressman X: Paris Hilton made a video. Amateur porn is popular with the folks. What better way to show you’re one of the people than by releasing your own?
Dr. Bizarre: You’re saying there might be member of Congress who releases a sex tape?
Congressman X: It’s not a matter of “if”, Bizarre. It’s a matter of “when”. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a sit down interview with Anderson Cooper, a taping with Chris Wallace, and a quickie with my mistress. See you in 2012.
So there you have it. The Congressional sex tape is on it’s way. As with all scandals, an exact date is hard to pin down. Hopefully it will involve more Aaron Schock (even though he’s not married) and less Henry Waxman.