CPAC 2012: Expect Helmetless Darth Vader Everywhere, Zero Gays. Breitbart Rightly Protests.

Next year, conservatism's biggest gathering will look even more like Darth Vader without his helmet on. Why? The Darth look is in with old white guys, and gays are out with the American Conservative Union.

CPAC has announced that GoProud, the gay conservative group that was a sponsor in 2011, can now “Go Home” when conservatism’s biggest gathering rolls around in 2012. Next on the American Conservative Union’s agenda? Dismembering the three-legged conservative stool of social, national defense, and financial issues because stool legs are somewhat phallic. Andrew Breitbart, rightly, says he’ll be staying home:

Question for conservatives: Say a guy believes America’s military should be strong, in order to check rogue nations from going on the march. Say a guy believes in low taxation. Say a guy believes America is a force for good in the world, and doesn’t subscribe to the kind of claptrap that blames the freest country in the history of the planet for all the world’s ills. Now say that same guy likes to sleep on a pillow of testicles instead of a pillow of breasts at night. Is there a particular reason why he should be kicked to the curb of the conservative movement? I’d rather have a guy who believes in a strong U.S. military…and penis…than Ron Paul’s wacky conspiracy theories and isolationist ramblings.

If social conservatives have a strong argument in defense of their values and their principles, they should welcome the debate. Instead, they’re going to seal themselves in a hotel ballroom in Washington, DC with a bunch of old, crusty white people who think exactly like they do. Real smooth, guys.

Remember how just the other day the GOP was telling us how they were going to win over the youth vote in 2012? Apparently, GOP sympathizers think the animosity with which they treat gay people is positively correlated with how much they’ll resonate with young people. Good luck with that.

Dear Andrew Breitbart,

Please throw a party during CPAC. Invite liberals and conservatives and libertarians. Invite gay people and straight people and really sexually-confused people. Then invite me, because I want to chronicle all the weird and wonderful stuff that goes down that night (no pun intended).

Dr. Bizarre

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One thought on “CPAC 2012: Expect Helmetless Darth Vader Everywhere, Zero Gays. Breitbart Rightly Protests.

  1. Good Doctor,

    Notwithstanding that your tirade leaves out women altogether, I believe that you may be on to something far more important: the exigent necessity for all people, anywhere and of any age, to enjoin all young people to bring their best to the future. For most certainly, we are all here in the very same, very small, boat.

    This said, did you really need to mention genitalia so graphically? I hope your mother did not read that!

    Best,

    Silence Dogood

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