Tri-Sexual Puerto Ricans Sympathetic to Sex Scandal Politician?

Not too long ago Anthony Weiner had captivated the nation with his strange, uncontrollable urges to take pictures of his penis and send them out over the internet. Not to be outdone, Puerto Rican Senator Roberto Arango upped the ante by doing something similar, but with a latent homosexual twist! For some reason it seems as though the most fervent anti-gay politicians always seem to be the ones who ultimately reveal they have a taste for sperm like you and I get a taste for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

Regardless, I did a little digging, and here’s what I found:

• A 2009 Pew Poll found that 40% of Puerto Ricans consider themselves “tri-sexual” (defined as masturbation to hermaphroditic porn at least once within the past five years).

• A Gallup Poll found that almost two-thirds of Puerto Rican men would allow their anonymous, naked bodies on gay websites if they could benefit monetarily from the practice.

• An AMA double-blind study found that—if blindfolded—Puerto Ricans were more four times as likely as their American neighbors to “go with it” if a mysterious hand (gender unknown) began touching them inappropriately.

• A CBS/New York Times poll found that 10% of Peurto Rican males sexual dreams about Mexican singer Daddy Yankee.

• Rutgers University published a study in 2010 that found 85% of their Puerto Rican students over the course of a decade had listened to Elton John’s Tiny Dancer without changing the radio station.

• 100% of news outlets reported that when they’re having a slow news day, polls are a great way to fill the void. Hiring pollsters who tailor questions that will achieve the organization’s desired results was also favored by 95% of news outlets.

How sad is it that we’re collectively so opposed to dealing with the big problems we created that we now have to create a multitude of micro-distractions, hoping that if just one more news cycle goes by the problems will have disappeared, or that we’ll be able to buy ourselves more time.

Politicians in the U.S. and Puerto Rico run up the credit card debt on future generations, knowing that they’ll be the ones saddled with the bill. They do so, knowing that an uninformed public more concerned with sordid sex scandals than boring bookkeeping will let them.

There are no more diplomats. They’re dead. And in their place are unserious perverts running around online playgrounds on our dime because we let them.

I’ll see you when the Congressional sex tape breaks. As I said, it’s only a matter of time.

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2 thoughts on “Tri-Sexual Puerto Ricans Sympathetic to Sex Scandal Politician?

  1. Dear Doctor Bizarre,

    One can only hope that this message finds you calm, or more calm than your last message here on molotovsoftball.com might make one feel. Are you under treatment, or on medication, for your condition?

    Unlike you, I am not a doctor, even of philosophy. Thus much of what you describe is well beyond my comprehension. Yet, it seems to me you raise an interesting point:

    Are our duly elected officials so elected for their own or our benefit?

    Wishing neither to poach upon your well-trodden terrain of inquiry, nor that of any predecessors; I might ask you, the President, the Congress and the Senate: If you will not embrace the Constitution of the United States of America; may I?

    Thank you,

    Silence

    As always, my very best to your mother.

    • Am I on medication? Consider if you will, the fact that Ben and Jerry’s came out with “Schweddy Balls” flavored ice cream right after I made the closeted-gay Congressman sperm analogy… I think I’m in touch with the astral plane—just the weird current of time instead of the one that unlocks the secrets of world peace.

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