An Interview with Mitt Romney

After years of attempts, I finally landed an interview with Mitt Romney. If you want to know why he needs pictures of himself on hand at all times, this interview is for you.

Regulars to this blog know that I  love a good interview, and this week I finally landed one with Mitt Romney. I’ve been asking him for awhile, but he’s been on the campaign trail for the past couple of decades. Kindly, he was able to squeeze me into his schedule this past weekend.

Dr. Bizarre: Thanks for sitting down with me, Governor. Bizarre readers will be in for a real treat. I was hoping you could talk a bit about your 59 point plan to get the economy going again.

Mitt Romney: Actually, we found that no one knows what the 59 point plan is; it’s not sinking in for some reason, so we’ve updated it. It’s now the 118 point plan.

Dr. Bizarre: Don’t you think it would be easier to familiarize voters with a key principles that they can then apply to any public policy proposal? It seems to me that a citizenry armed with a solid understanding of core principles is what the country needs right now, not 59, or 118, or 177 “points.”

Mitt Romney: If you go to my website you’ll see an image of the night sky. If you scroll over the shining stars there’s a description of each of my points. If you connect them all together it forms a constellation: my face. My presidential face. Check it out. I think you’ll understand better when you get there.

Dr. Bizarre: Governor, one criticism of you is that you want to be president just a little too bad, and it creeps people out. What would you say to those critics that sense a weirdly ambitious man who seems to think only he can lead us out of the malaise the country is in right now?

Mitt Romney: Do I look at myself in the mirror, imagine I’m the president, and masturbate? Sure. But who doesn’t do that? Next question.

Dr. Bizarre: What about Romneycare? It seems as though your solution for the state of Massachusetts’ health care woes was, in many ways, a blueprint for Obamacare?

Mitt Romney: My failures are isolated to the state level, whereas Barrack Obama’s are national mandates for failure. States are supposed to be public policy laboratories, and mine was.

Dr. Bizarre: So you acknowledge that Romneycare is a failure?

Mitt Romney: Do you have a picture of me in your suitcase, there? I have something…I have something… in my pants I need to take care of.

I hope my readers will forgive me for not “sticking” around for the end of the interview, especially given that when someone’s moniker is “Dr. Bizarre” they’re almost contractually obligated to do so.

I’ll leave it up to you, the reader (and voter) to determine if Romey is the guy who should win the GOP nomination.


2 thoughts on “An Interview with Mitt Romney

  1. Dear Doctor,

    While I may not be all that fond of Governor Romney, I cannot help but upbraid you for your mention of… well… you know. More genteel readers do not need to know such things. While I applaud your journalistic zeal; such indiscreet disclosures by you (which of course had to have been only off-hand on Governor Romney’s part) are not journalism worthy of further review.

    As always,


    PS: My greatest condolences to your mother.

  2. Silence,

    I forgot that I have readers, like yourself, that use “upbraid” in their everyday vernacular. While it’s difficult to write a blog that bills itself as “wading in weird” without occasionally using a word like ‘masturbate,’ I suppose I’ll take such sensitivities into account during future interviews. I respect your opinions, and will adjust accordingly.

    With that said, my goal is to go to deep, dark places others wish to go—but can’t—because of their mind forged manacles… In the end, I must display my findings, no matter how distasteful they may be to a particular viewing audience.

    PS: These exchanges would be really odd if my mother was deceased…

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