If you haven’t heard of The Knights of Mayhem, you should now. They’re the guys with the upcoming National Geographic reality series that brings jousting back like Justin Timberlake brought Sexy Back. Charlie Andrews is the head honcho, and he puts it succinctly:
“I am the merciless God of this universe, and if you come in here to play you will get hurt. The only question is ‘When?’ and ‘How bad?'”
This is absolutely amazing. After reading about the new caveman restaurant, Sauvage, this has been the greatest weekend in a long time.
Long story short, modern society has emasculated men. If Sony created a camera that could take a picture of our souls, most men would have souls that look like Alan Alda—and there’s something wrong with that. Something very, very wrong.
Luckily, there are guys out there like Charlie Andrews, who are willing to embrace their inner brute, break bones, and cause permanent psychological trauma for our entertainment. Ultimate Fighting was a start, but just like with any good drug it was only a gateway to bigger and better things to come.
I hereby start the petition to have new arenas built, where willing gladiators will do battle with each other and animals (we can deal with PETA later) until the death. You want ratings, National Geographic? Imagine a manly man, so manly in his manliness that he chops the head off a tiger and then puts it on his own head as a bloody hat, beating his chest and wiping the blood of himself and his prey across his body with screams Howard Dean would salute.
We can do this, people! It only takes one spark to start a forest fire. Screw Smokey the Bear. He’s a p***y.