Ron Paul’s Grape Jelly Paraphilia Overlooked by Supporters.

With the Iowa caucuses just a few days away, a thorough analysis should be done on Ron Paul’s supporters. For instance, despite volumes of racist, anti-semitic writings that he signed off on over the years, their support does not waver. Despite doing his best to ingratiate himself with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, they still see him as the closest thing to George Washington since the Founder’s death. And despite being perhaps the only American to criticize the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden (Paul wishes we worked more closely with ISI, who conveniently couldn’t find him hiding a block away from a major Pakistani military base)—the Paulbots’ support stands firm.

All this is about to change, as there are reportedly pictures of Ron Paul, naked and slathered in grape jelly, in the hands of The New York Times. An anonymous source claims Paul has a food fetish, otherwise known as sitophilia. On days when the self-appointed master of all things “Constitution” isn’t blasting the fed or lamenting the legality of The Civil Rights Act, he’s practicing his God-given right to strip down to his bare essentials, hit the cupboard filled with Welch’s Grape Jelly, and slather himself up in sticky goodness.

Asked about this unforeseen event, Iowans for Ron Paul President, Guy Fawkes (he refuses to use his real name), said:

“Just as I fight for every American’s freedom of speech—even speech I wholeheartedly disagree with—I will fight for every American’s right to practice their paraphilia as they see fit. If this picture surfaces it will only reinforce my belief that Ron Paul is the right man for the job. Ron Paul is anti-establishment, and what can be more anti-establishment than racist newsletters written by a man who would rather cover himself in jelly than the blood of innocent civilians killed in a war for oil.”

Sources close to the story claim that it will drop a day after the Iowa’s results are in, if Paul wins. Short of a Barack Obama Peanut Butter expose, this story is set to rule whatever news cycle it’s launched in.


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