Political Gatherings: Meat Markets in Disguise

Young people at CPAC get drunk and hook up dressed like the Founding Fathers. Young people at the Democratic National Convention hook up in clothes inspired by whatever foreign culture is en vogue. This season the Old Navy keffiyeh scarfs inspired by Palestinian militants will probably get you lucky well before closing time. It's just a shame more people don't experience both.

CPAC, the annual gathering of Conservatives—where beautiful women instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano—just ended. I, Dr. Bizarre, go there every year, just as I plan on attending the Democratic National Convention this fall. Why? Because I love idealistic beautiful women of all political stripes. While most media cover the surface stories (e.g., What does everyone think about Rick Santorum’s chances of finishing off Romney’s campaign?), your good Dr. goes where others fear to tread. Well, I guess a few others went there:

Elise, better known by his handle “Juggler” from Neil Strauss’ notorious pickup memoir The Game, was offering advice to attendees at conservative mega-conference CPAC on how to improve their dating game. Remember that old VH1 reality show The Pickup Artist with that lanky host called “Mystery” teaching people how to insult girls then hit on them when their self esteem is shattered? This is one of his top rivals, charging upwards of $5,000 for a one-day private session…

“The problem with conservatives on dating: we’re too uptight!” he said. “Liberals have the reputation for being fun, we have to go on the date and have fun without smoking pot.” …

At the very least, the session was an opportunity to acknowledge one of the less discussed dynamics of CPAC. Unlike most conservative gatherings, which often resemble Bingo night at the retirement home, the annual conference is usually dominated by college Republicans who bus in en masse. That means the dating scene is sizzling.

Here’s the truth: political gatherings mean nothing. No one’s mind is made up at these events, because their mind is already made up well beforehand. The old people go so they can catch up (and have sex) with their old friends, and the young people go so they can have sex with new friends. At Republican conventions, well-dressed young men who can garble a few passing platitudes about free markets through a drunken stupor end up sleeping with really attractive women. At Democratic conventions, well-dressed young men who can garble a few passing platitudes about diversity sometimes get to sleep with two women at the same time (e.g., a young Rob Lowe). Libertarian gatherings? Well…I can’t say what goes on there because I have at least a modicum of decency—but I highly suggest you find out for yourself. There’s no need for a wing man if you speak English and can pronounce the name “Ron Paul.”

The moral of this story? We’d be a lot better off if we settled arguments by having sex with our political adversaries. “You want to pass H.R. Bill 2357, Nancy Pelosi? Let’s see how long you can filibuster…in bed. PS: I have a gavel in my pants.” I guarantee you Congress would get more done.

This blog was paid for by Dr. Bizarre for Congress. I approve this message.


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