Bureaucrats deny Americans hotdog-stuffed pizza crust? Prepare for war

What sort of sick and depraved mind would deny blue-collar Americans the opportunity to have the Heimlich Maneuver performed on them as they choke on hotdog-stuffed pizza crust? The mind of the HHS or FDA bureaucrat, that's who. It's time to get down to business and bring this sucker back from Britain. Its rightful home is here in America, with the Doritos Locos Taco.

The Doritos Locos Taco has started an arms race between fast food franchises that can not be stopped. The war of attrition has just been turned up a notch, and when the powdered nacho cheese dust and pizza dough settles there are going to be a lot of dead bodies and coronary heart disease.

And with that, I give you: The hotdog crust-stuffed pizza from Pizza Hut!

“The Hot Dog Stuffed Crust pizza is only available in the UK and there are no plans to introduce this product in the U.S.,” Lisa Beachy, a spokesperson for Pizza Hut, told HealthPop in an email.

ABC News reports that a slice of plain stuffed crust pizza contains about 265 calories with 11.6 grams of fat and a hot dog contains about 170 calories and 15 grams of fat, although an official calorie count for the pizza was not listed.

Yes, you read that right—it’s not coming to the United States anytime soon. As of now, there are really only two explanations:

  1. The Department of Health and Human Services and the FDA are setting up regulatory road blocks that would prevent such deliciousness from ever touching ground in the U.S.A. Contraception for teenagers is given out for free in the States, but God forbid a pizza gives birth to a hotdog. Screw the government. Screw em!
  2. The Brits have found some sort of intellectual patent right, and are withholding their pizza-hotdog hybrid as some sort of finger in the eye for breaking off from the Kingdom all those years ago. Half of the population doesn’t even have teeth—so why should they be given pizza manna from heaven?

As an American, I demand the ability to shove hotdog-filled pizza crust down my throat until nacho-cheese donuts are rolled out. It’s a shame that our wanker-buddies on the other side of the pond are now outdoing us when it comes to the creation of food that can cause blood clots just by looking at it.

Get on the ball, America. And screw the government. Screw em!

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One thought on “Bureaucrats deny Americans hotdog-stuffed pizza crust? Prepare for war

  1. My Dear Doctor,

    Truthfully, do you know anyone who actually has eaten any of the food stuffs you enumerate and upon which you insist liberty depends? I love a good meal as much as the next person. Moreover, I often become surreptitiously glutinous when certain foods are prepared and served.

    Nonetheless, the ability to acquire food to eat is as important as what one chooses to consume. Most importantly, starvation is something to which no one, anywhere, should be subjected.

    I believe it was Dr. Franklin who noted, well before our Revolution: “Gentlemen, you are to consider, that a great Empire, like a great Cake, is most easily diminished at the Edges.”

    Please convey my sympathetic sentiments to your mother,

    Thank you.

    Silence

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