Jon Stewart and his erotic lubricant made from hundred dollar bills

It’s come to my attention to Jon Stewart has mocked Mitt Romney for his wealth. I find this odd coming from a man who could throw countless hundred dollar bills into a specially made vat that turns U.S. currency into erotic body lubricant, lather himself up in it just for the heck of it, and then call it a day knowing that it didn’t even dent his bank account.

We only get one life, and there’s something a tad distasteful about men who made their millions suddenly mocking others who have done the same, or somehow insinuating that although their American Dream came true that it somehow isn’t in the cards for you — Mr. Average Joe.

Question: What does President Barack Obama, Willard “Mitt Romney, and Jon Stewart all have in common?

Answer: They’re all filthy stinking rich.

Since all of us want different things in life and all of us will die, I don’t begrudge someone who makes boatloads of money, provided they did it through legal means. Why should I believe that Mitt Romney rubs dollar bills in his armpits like it was deodorant each morning because rich guys are all freaks and only care about money, but then contend that President Obama — a very, very rich man who has shown he is very, very ambitious — is somehow different?

Personally, I don’t care about money. I haven’t made it a priority to try and get rich. I like to hang out in the seedy areas of town, under overpasses, and drink cheap liquor with homeless guys and runaways. I like to tell drunk stories over a burn barrel with complete strangers, and then laugh as the night wears on and someone inevitably pisses into the flames, kicking up embers with a stream that sizzles off the hot metal.

To me, that’s worth more than all the royalty checks President Obama will ever cash for one of his two biographies (or the third and fourth once he leaves office).

I won’t ask for Mitt Romney or Barack Obama’s money if they won’t take away my rights to get into all sorts of debauchery with grizzled old men and rebellious youth on the wrong side of the tracks.

Which of the two candidates is more likely to mess with my life? New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg is the type of guy who would ban me from giving a homeless guy a sandwich … so I guess I’ll be voting for the guy who least reminds me of Mayor Bloomberg.

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