Ryan’s rock hard abs lose Romney a big voting bloc: Fatties

Congressman Paul Ryan maintains 6-8 percent body fat by doing P90X. By doing so, he has lost the fat vote to President Obama.

You’ve heard pundits on both sides of the ideological divide discuss why Mitt Romney’s decision to pick Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., was either the greatest move of his campaign, or the proverbial nail in the coffin. Conventional wisdom says that really old people living high on the hog in Florida will not want to take a chance on a politician who says cuts to Medicare won’t affect them. Personally, I think conventional wisdom has a spottier track record than most people want to acknowledge, but that’s besides the point. If Mitt Romney loses in November it will because of one voting block: The fatties.

By now everyone knows that Paul Ryan has abs like an action hero. He does the infamous P90X — but he really does it — as in, he’s not one of those people who bought the product, tried it for a few days, and then went back to his normal routine. The man is living proof that if you put your ass through the wringer … you’ll have a nice ass. This does not sit well with fat people, particularly during the height of an “obesity epidemic.”

Before continuing on, in full disclosure I must admit: In an attempt to contract the obesity virus that plagues the nation, I have bedded more overweight women than I would like to admit. Some of them even coughed and sneezed on me during my experiments, and yet I still maintain a weight the federal government has deemed healthy. While I have not been able to contract any form of fat virus, I yield to the experts’ advice — and apparently my own eyes. There are a lot of fat people out there.

And so, it is my assumption that the nation is not ready to have a serious conversation about its gluttony. Every time Paul Ryan appears on television his chiseled physique reminds us that self-discipline, restraint and hard work can have an amazing effect on the body. Sure, he seems like a gregarious guy, but underneath that smile and taut, tight skin is a fat man, crushed to death under pounds of muscle.

Paul Ryan wants to starve the poor just like he starved his inner fat man. He wants people to work just like he works his abs and gluts, quads, hamstrings, back, biceps and triceps. That may sound good, but it’s bad news to people who really, really, really enjoy eating.

War on women? War on minorities? War on gay people? Why debate any of that when Paul Ryan’s war on fat people is the firefight that will determine the outcome of the election.

A nation that willingly strives to give itself Type II Diabetes will not allow a fitness buff like Congressman Paul Ryan to reform Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. If President Obama is re-elected, Democrats will have one constituency to thank, and one constituency only: The Constituency of Fat.


2 thoughts on “Ryan’s rock hard abs lose Romney a big voting bloc: Fatties

  1. Dearest Doctor,

    Risking further offense, again I quote Dr. Franklin: “All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.”

    One could fear that you have overlooked the obvious. Confessedly, I know little of Ayn Rand. Yet, modern contemporaries inform me that at best, she is an empty bucket. As any of us knows, an empty bucket makes the most noise.

    Representative Ryan espouses, as does former-Governor Romney, many different views on a variety of issues. To which of these views, physical fitness notwithstanding, should we, the people, adhere our belief?

    My sincerest sentiments to your mother,


    • Silence, you do realize that your quote aligns quite nicely with the worldview of Congressman Paul Ryan, right? One could argue that the federal government taking over 1/6th of the U.S. economy, essentially over night, would fall into “troublesome changes without amendment, and … for the worse.”

      Speaking of Ben Franklin, I heard he was a fan of prostitutes. If he was to come down with a sexually transmitted disease, would it be right for the taxpayer to get stuck with the bill? My guess is that Paul Ryan would say definitively: “No.”

      Who are these critics of Ms. Rand? Names? Links? You mistake opinion for fact like many people mistake sarcasm for intelligence.

      Your friend,

      John Galt

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