After pulling pressure cookers, Williams-Sonoma mulls embago on forks, knives

Antique Bamboo Cheese Knife

The Boston Terror attack occurred less than a month ago, but its repercussions will go on for years. Dzhokha Tsarnaev is in custody and Tamerlan is dead — but so are sales of pressure cookers in Boston-area Williams-Sonoma stores.

Patch reports:

Williams-Sonoma, the specialty retailer of home furnishings and gourmet cookware with over 250 stores in the United States, has pulled pressure cookers from their shelves following the Boston Marathon bombing.

“It’s a temporary thing out of respect,” said Kent, who is the Store Manager of the Williams-Sonoma at the Natick Mall. He referred Patch to corporate for further questions. Williams-Sonoma also has a local branch at Legacy Place in Dedham.

Pressure cookers will still be available on the Williams-Sonoma website.

The media did not cover this story, but if responsible journalists did they would have found out that other potentially dangerous items were on the Williams-Sonoma chopping block: knives.

Your very own Doctor Bizarre did a follow up with “Kent,” and here’s what I learned:

“As much as I hate to admit it, cleavers and boning knives might have to be temporarily embargoed,” said Kent. “Wüsthof Classic Chef’s Knife as well. Sure, they run up to $200, but terrorists who care about their craft undoubtedly come to Williams-Sonoma. Heck, there was a shifty guy was came in just this weekend who bought an Antique Bamboo 4-Piece Cheese Knife Set, and I’ve been beating myself up over it ever since. He wore a baseball cap — just like the terrorists — and I think he wore a black jacket. I refuse to have blood on my hands. It’s that simple,” said Kent.

Here’s how Williams-Sonoma markets its cheese set:

Add a touch of sophisticated style to any gathering with our bamboo cheese knives and server. Use the spreader for spreading soft cheese and the fork for transferring portions to individual plates. The pronged knife is useful for breaking up hard cheeses and spearing portions, and the server slides under cheeses and appetizers for serving. Accented with nickel-plated brass tips, the polished wooden handles are crafted of bamboo, a tropical hardwood prized for its beauty and strength. The blades are made of durable stainless steel. Approx. 6 to 6 3/4” long. Hand-wash. Set of four. A Williams-Sonoma exclusive.

The more that I listen to Kent, the more I like the man. Sure, cheese sets are meant to be used on cheese, but they could add “sophisticated style” to a different kind of gathering — say ground zero for a terrorist attack? Placed inside a pressure cooker, cheese knives could cut through your liver like … cheese. And so, after much thought and deliberation I must concede that the “Kents” of the world are right. When faced with the prospect of death by religious fanatics or crazy people (or crazy religious fanatics if you’re really unlucky), I think the proper response is to cower in fear and put away the cutlery.

Years from now, when hardware stores start restricting the sale of nails and we all wear inflatable suits and helmets, we will thank Williams-Sonoma. Sure, the libertarians and the conservatives will laugh now, but like me they will see the light. I do not consider myself a liberal man — I really don’t know what I am — but I know that on this issue, the threat of upscale terrorists who buy linens and aprons from the Williams-Sonoma Monogram collection is too much to take. Liberty? Freedom? What good is freedom when you’ve been impaled by a handful of Shun Classic Paring Knives (suggested retail price of $100 – $113)?

I know not what course others may take, but as for me give me pressure cooker bans or give me death!

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