What kind of story would bring a man out of his self-imposed exile inside a Bolivian airport just to see what it would feel like to be NSA leaker Edward Snowden? Breasts. Bikini-clad breasts that were banned from Adventure Oasis Water Park in Missouri because they belonged to a mother and not a teenage girl.
Madelyn Sheaffer, 43, has made quite a bit of news since being ejected from Oasis Adventure for failing to wear “appropriate” attire. Who determines what appropriate is? The staff. The teenage staff.
Here’s what Sheaffer said on her Facebook page:
I went to the Independence, Missouri City Pool today with my 68 year old mother, 14 year old daughter, 10, 9, and 7 year old nieces and nephew. We had just arrived and I got inside the pool with the 10 and 9 year old, when two teenage female employees of the pool (the pool is ran by teenagers) came up and told me that I would need to put a cover up on as my swim suit was inappropriate. “This is a family park,” they said. “Yes, and I am a family person, I said, and am here with my family.” They said I had to cover up or leave, so I said, “What sort of discrimination is this? Is it because you think I am too old to wear a bikini, or because I look too good in one?” There were plenty of 15-18 year old girls at the park in swimsuits equally revealing as mine. This was not a thong. It was a standard, summertime, two piece, string bikini. The same as everyone else, who felt confident enough in their body to wear one. This is summertime… This is a swimming pool… “Well I am not covering up, I said, and if you expect me to leave, you had better call the police and have them escort me out. Fifteen minutes later the police did arrive, and said that while they did not agree, they had to do their job. “We can’t actually say anything,” they said as we walked outside, (as it is a city owned park), ..but I hope from the expressions on our face you can tell how we feel.” They were compassionate. They too, thought it was ridiculous.
Since this is a bizarre case, it requires a bizarre guy to break it down.
Madelyn Sheaffer is a beautiful woman. She’s a beautiful woman who just so happens to have breasts that remind men of kind of luxurious pillows you’d find at a Napa Valley bed and breakfast before a fun-filled jaunt through wine country. For a teenage boy? It’s the kind of thing that would fry his brain because no teenage boy will pay a teenage girl a second thought when a woman of Ms. Sheaffer’s stature is within range. And so … she must be ejected from the facilities.
Given America’s problem with obesity, it’s a good bet that most of the moms at Oasis Adventure Water Park were covered up not because they wanted to be “family friendly,” but because years of McDonald’s and Burger King hamburgers had ravaged their butt and belly, obscuring large breasts with body parts that were equally plump. It doesn’t count if you have big boobs if your belly extends beyond them.
If Ms. Sheaffer were to bring a lawsuit against the Water Park, it seems as though the case would be in her favor. She wore a swimsuit to … a swim park. It wasn’t particularly small, and she can’t help it if she has big breasts. She also can’t help it if teenage girls are jealous of her body or if fat customers want her to wear a swimsuit-burka.
The only downside to a lawsuit brought by Ms. Sheaffer would be that she might be found guilty of being a hot mom.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to the confines of my Bolivian airport. I think President Evo Morales is speaking about the time President Obama managed to get allied countries to forcibly search his plane for Edward Snowden … and no one else was on board. For some reason I haven’t heard the American media talk too much about that one. I wonder why.