Desperate John Kerry offers Putin sexual favors in return for peace in Ukraine

The world warned Russian President Vladimir Putin to stop after he annexed Crimea. He didn’t, and went about amassing tens-of-thousands of troops just outside East Ukraine. On Thursday, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that if Russia doesn’t halt its efforts to cause instability in the region — which many see as a pretext to invasion — economic sanctions will be forthcoming. Kerry said that Mr. Putin hasn’t taken a “single step in the right direction,” but the U.S. diplomat believes that he’s found the solution for peace: sexual favors.

“What is happening in eastern Ukraine is a military operation that is well planned and organized,” Kerry said. “If Russia continues in this direction, it will not only be a grave mistake — it will be an expensive mistake,” Mr. Kerry said Thursday, Business Insider reported. However, in an off-the-record discussion to the press that was leaked late Thursday, Secretary Kerry said the following:

“Many say that those of us who sincerely believe in ‘peace at any cost’ are only bringing about that which we fear most — pain, heartache and war. I’ve seen war, and believe me, I would not wish it upon any nation. The problem with the peace movement since the 1970s has been that while we preached ‘make love, not war’ we did not practice it. We never thought outside the box because we were afraid of what others might say. We stuck to standard methods of diplomacy, holding meetings to consider the possibility of a meeting where we would agree on a possible date to discuss the date to consider further negotiations.

These meetings were often derailed because narrow minds — on both sides — seek to act in their country’s best interest. It’s hard — mighty hard — to swim against the current of internal state politics, but I believe that there is one option we have never explored: sex.

The power of sex is a universal constant. It is something we all share. It is with that in mind that I call on Vladimir Putin and his inner circle to consider this American proposal: I and members of the State Department offer ourselves up as pleasure partners for our Communist friends. Disgraceful? If the alternative is economic sanctions that hurt the Russian people — or war, which hurts everyone — then call me a disgrace. If you ask me if I’d prefer bullets, bombs, and economic sanctions, or orgasms, the answer will be orgasms every time. It would be an honor to bed President Putin if it means peace in our time.

During Kerry’s public press conference, his message for Russia was “The window to change course is closing. We are ready to act.” Those traveling with the secretary who also heard the plea to accept U.S. sexual favors in return for peace openly wondered if he was talking about sanctions during the press conference, or sending his Russian counterparts a subliminal message.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was asked about what he thought about Secretary Kerry’s “Love Diplomacy” on Friday. While he would not say whether Russia would seriously consider the request, an interpreter said he could be seen rubbing his chin and mouthing, “I do like a good blow job” to an unidentified official next to him.

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2 thoughts on “Desperate John Kerry offers Putin sexual favors in return for peace in Ukraine

  1. Dear Doctor,

    In modern parlance some lesser soul might suggest that you lack the affection you so clearly feel for those near you. I can only recommend them to you and you to them. In this matter, you appear to me to be possessed by demons without well-thought origin and a generous portion of what my great-grandmother used to call “just plain crazy.” Unconsidered war, anywhere, is ill-advised. Peace has always been tenuous at best everywhere. The boundaries of today are not so dissimilar as those of yesterday, save that information seems to be proximate lightning. Do you want a war? Would you send your child to fight this war you suggest, based on some vague carnal connotation? I doubt that you would… nay, I pray that you wish, as we all must, real and abiding peace is our legacy to all children, everywhere.

    With deeply felt respect to you beloved Mother,

    Silence

    • Silence,

      Given that I willfully joined the military at one point in my life, and signed up for a job that many have said made me little more than “cannon fodder,” (i.e., infantry), your insinuation that I do not take issues of war and peace seriously is laughable. If my commander in chief sent me off to war, I would have gone.

      And no, I would not “send my children” off to war because a.) America is not Somalia, and b.) children do not enlist in the modern U.S. armed services.

      When I enlisted in the Army my mother told my father to stop me. His response: “He’s 18. He can do whatever he wants. I can not stop him.” My father was right.

      Like so many others, you made your response about me and my motives instead of dealing with the very hard truths the post conveys. I guess in some sense its understandable. But, like I said, it’s still laughable.

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