Alec Baldwin yells at Pope in Rome, calls him ‘Your Holy F****t’ for approaching wife

It was only a matter of time. Italian media outlets are reporting that while vacationing in Rome, actor Alec Baldwin got into an altercation with Pope Francis. The ex-MSNBC “Up Late” host, recently fired for directing a gay slur at a reporter on the streets of New York, allegedly called the head of the Catholic Church “Your Holy F****t.”  The pontiff apparently got too close to the Baldwin’s wife, Hilaria Thomas, while the couple were walking along the Piazza Navona.

“The Pope was not even supposed to be here, but he freed up some time in his busy schedule to wash the feet of the city’s poor,” said mailman Mario Gizzepi. “That’s  …when it happened. I’ll never forget it,” whispered Mr. Gizzepi. He stuttered his words as he spoke. “I heard that his lawyers go after those who speak out. I probably should not have given you my name.”

According to Mr. Gizzepi, Pope Francis — Time’s ‘Person of the Year’ — extended his hand in Mrs. Baldwin’s direction as the two neared each other. The actor, sensing that the pontiff was up to no good, quickly slapped down his hand. Baldwin then puffed out his chest and threatened to “excommunicate your teeth from the inside of your mouth.” When the pope again extended his hand to show the actor that he meant no harm, that’s when the gay slur took place.

He said, “No thanks, Your Holy F****t. Just stay away from my wife and kid.” The pope, unshaken, smiled and continued tending to the poor.

The Vatican released the following statement only hours after the incident took place:

Today, while the Holy Father was spreading God’s love on the streets of Rome, he had an encounter with American actor Alec Baldwin. The Catholic Church will respectfully decline all media requests for the pope’s characterization of the event; God will judge Alec Baldwin. Pope Francis simply sees the actor as a child of God, and as such will treat him with the kindness and dignity God expects all of his children to show one another. The Catholic Church reminds us that the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is with us always. We ask that you pray for Alec Baldwin and wish him the peace of mind and softened heart that comes to all those who allow the Holy Spirit to wash over them.

“Why would a man do such a thing?” said street merchant Luigi Ramondi. “It’s almost reached the point of satire. This guy needs to pull himself together.”

A spokesperson for Alec Baldwin refused to comment, despite requests by multiple wire services.

Alec Baldwin is scheduled to begin filming a bit part in the long-awaited sequel to Adam Sandler’s 2003 hit “Anger Management.” The actor will ironically play a gay Buddhist monk in “Anger Mismanagement.”

Lucas and Spielberg Get 70 Minute Christmas Beat Down

George Lucas and Steven Spielberg became successful and gave themselves the CEO Suite on the top floor. Over time it turned into self-imposed solitary confinement. They inadvertantly created a rubber room for themselves, and were driven mad by their own genius. Don't let that happen to you.

This Christmas, if you’ve asked Santa to deliver George Lucas and Steven Spielberg a verbal lashing that would make Indiana Jones’ whip look like a kids toy, you can rest easy: The man behind the Star Wars: Phantom Menace review from God has returned, with a 70 minute withering review that leaves Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull shattered.

If you’re not familiar with the Mr. Plinkett character, it must be noted that although he’s disturbing, his reviews are generally the work of genius. And, while I generally feel that Christmas is a time where we should rejoice and be glad instead of dwelling on disappointments and holding a grudge, George Lucas is The Grinch Whole Stole Star Wars’ Greatness.

Steven Spielberg and George Lucas are both case studies in what happens to great men—visionary men—when they become isolated by their success. They are essentially the CEO who sits on the top floor alone, making decisions without ever getting honest feedback from the foot soldiers they oversee. Steven Spielberg’s slow decline is generally more forgivable, since he’s responsible for some of the greatest movies of all time. Lucas must be brow-beaten because what he did with his masterpiece was the equivalent of Leonardo da Vinc painting the Mona Lisa, hanging it up for the world to see, and then taking it down so he could pop a squat, spray it with diarrhea, and call it modern art.

Mr. Plinkett’s Crystal Skull review is a verbal thrashing of two titans from the Hollywood industry seldom seen. It’s glorious. In 70 minutes he exposes the world to the sad state of affairs two once-great directors are in. They are victims of their own success. How so?

  1. Young gun filmmakers set out to change the film industry as they know it. They push the envelope, but because they’re young they’re still questioned along the way (and they also happen to question themselves). There’s push-back, and they must think through their creative decisions and be able to defend them.
  2. Young gun filmmakers succeed in changing the industry as we know it. They amass enough power to do whatever they want, without having to answer (rarely, if ever) to their skeptics.
  3. Old filmmakers no longer seek to change the industry, but to relive the successes of their youth. In Lucas’ case, he appears to be more interested  in making money off of toys than telling a good story… Surrounded by yes men, their worst ideas are met with nods of approval and two thumbs up. Jar Jar Binks and Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull are born.

So what’s the moral of the story? The moral of the story is to always ask questions. The moral of the story is to surround yourself with friends who will be honest with you, who will push you to defend your positions, and who just might be better than you at what you do best. If Lucas and Spielberg were smart, they’d surround themselves with the best and brightest young people in the industry—kids with a reputation of being tactful, yet tenacious. They would hire young writers and directors who respect the genius of Jaws, but seek to transcend it with their own stories yet to make it to the big screen.

At some point in time the CEO Suite becomes self-imposed solitary confinement, a rubber room that allows men to be driven mad by their own genius. Or was that driven “sad”? Either way, Mr. Plinkett’s reviews are a public service to any up-and-comer who thinks that their creative endeavors will bring them fame and fortune. When success comes—and it will—don’t lose sight of the kind of environment that honed your skills to begin with. Ask questions, seek out advice, be willing to admit you’re wrong, and hire the type of individuals who could pick up your job at a moment’s notice. If you do, you just might change the world long after conventional wisdom says you’ve reached your expiration date.