‘Piss Christ’ returns to NYC; ‘Piss Mohammad’ still missing

It’s official: I will be going to New York City on September 27 to see the return of … ‘Piss Christ’!

On September 27, the Edward Tyler Nahem gallery in mid-town Manhattan will host an exhibit, “Body and Spirit: Andres Serrano 1987-2012,” that features Serrano’s “Piss Christ” piece; it shows a crucifix submerged in a jar of his own urine. The exhibit ends October 26.

The taxpayer funded (in part), award-winning crucifix dipped in urine has long been on my list of “must see” attractions, up there with ‘Piss Mohammed.’ Sadly, Andres Serrano has not been able to urinate since 1987.

Given the violence in the Middle East, there are rumblings in the art community that the “courageous” Serrano might not be as courageous as he’s been made out to be. Critics argue that despite his inability to pee and refusal to use a catheter, he has made use of his own blood and semen for other pieces of “art.”

Thankfully, Serrano has broken his silence:

“My muse is stubbornly silent when it comes to Islam. I tried ‘Pubic Hair Mohammed’ and ‘Diarrhea Mohammed’ but they just didn’t speak to me on a deeper level. I keep them from the light of day not because I fear reprisal, but because I fear letting down my fans.”

The New York Times is predicting that thousands of Christians will storm the city on Friday, September 28. The FBI reports that they will be carrying rocket propelled grenades, AK-47s and molotov cocktails. The Honduran ambassador to the United States will be in New York City on that day, but as of yet no further security precautions have been taken.

Yours truly, Dr. Bizarre, will be on the scene to report on the chaos. I also plan on asking Serrano how he has not urinated for decades. His kidneys must hate him.

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Bankers Care: Titans To Employ Scullions In Personal Homes

The Occupy Wall Street movement has some kinks to work out, to be sure. Recently I interviewed a man named Busta, who was targeting the adult film industry. (He might be the 1% of the 99% percent.)

Today, I’d like to concentrate on the bankers, or perhaps the 1% of the 1%. Recently, I talked with a titan of business named Edward T Bottomhouse III. He refused to tell me which institution he worked for, but he did seem quite miffed when I brought up Bank of America’s recent backpedaling over a five dollar surcharge for all debit and credit transactions. Here now, is my interview:

Dr. Bizarre: Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Edward. It’s been tough to get financiers to speak with me. No one wants to go on the record and discuss what’s going on with the Occupy movement, and the culpability that men like yourself might have in creating the rotten conditions that spawned it.

Bottomhouse III: No problem, B. I can call you ‘B’, right? I hope so, because I’m not going to remember your name… Anyway, if you want to grill me on credit default swaps, sub-prime mortgages, and derivatives I can handle it. Your average American turned to guys like me because we were considered “experts.” We gave them a lot of mumbo-jumbo about what they could do and what they had to do—told them it would all work out in the end—had them sign a few dozen pages filled with legal jargon, and they signed it. Now, whose fault is that? Mine? *laughing* Get real.

Dr. Bizarre: Well, actually, yes. Sort of.

Bottomhouse III: Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I thought this was the good old U.S. of A. Listen B, we can spend all day talking about that stuff, but then we’d be just like those Occupy guys wasting time. I’d rather talk about what I’m doing in my personal life to make amends.

Dr. Bizarre: Sure.

Bottomhouse III: One word: Scullions. Well, make that four: “Scullions and Scullery Maids.” What do you think?

Dr. Bizarre: You’re talking about house cleaners?

Bottomhouse III: No B, I’m talking about going back to a time when income inequality wasn’t nearly what it was today. I’m turning the clock back to a fairer time and place, B. I’m doing it by bringing back a job anyone who can do. A respectable job. A job that builds character, but (and I do mean “butt”), with a modern twist.

Dr. Bizarre: Do tell.

Bottomhouse III: Chamber pots.

Dr. Bizarre: Fascinating.

Bottomhouse III: Long story short, the scullion is invited into my home. He becomes like one of my family, so in some sense he becomes part of the 1%. The only difference is, he has to empty out my chamber pots. I work long hours, so when I crash for the night I really crash. I don’t have time to waste energy going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. So, I hire a modern day scullion to wait by my bedside and empty out the pot. Some nights I’ll be so tired that I won’t even use the pot—I’ll just let it flow. He’ll be equipped with a spray bottle, some baby wipes, and clean sheets. I can roll off to the side and he can strip and replace the sheets without me ever getting off the bed!

Dr. Bizarre: Any other perks?

Bottomhouse III: Well, the great thing about this job is it doesn’t require a fancy degree. No college loan debt is required. I’m just looking for a go-getter who will get going when I get going—literally. I make a mess and they clean it up. It’s that simple.

Dr. Bizarre: Sort of like the bailouts!

Bottomhouse III: Exactly! Errrm, I think.

Dr. Bizarre: Well, this interview has been extremely enlightening. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled that an esteemed man such as yourself took time out of his busy schedule to explain some of the small steps you’re taking to rebuilt trust between the classes.

In a few months I might circle back with Edward Bottomhouse III to see how it’s all working out. Or, perhaps I’ll interview one of his scullions. Regardless, the Occupy Movement and the catalyst for its creation is a complex one. I’m confident that the truth, like a good bowel movement, will work its way out in the end.

Occupy Wall Street Targets Adult Entertainment Industry

The Occupy Wall Street movement is coming for the adult entertainment industry. The world may never be the same.

Because I’m always up for a good interview, I recently wandered down to Zuccotti Park, home of the “Occupy Wall Street” protesters. Lower Manhattan hasn’t been this hopping since the anti-war movement was beating up papier-mâché Dick Cheney effigies. For those who aren’t in the know, the “Occupy” rallies springing up across the United States, while billed as the “American Autumn,” are a still-coalescing movement of all ages. They’re upset with corporate America, the financial system, the political process, and a number of other social-justice themed grievances. Inequalities strike a chord (or was that beats a bongo?) with them. In particular, they call themselves the 99%—foot soldiers standing up to the richest 1% controlling the world’s wealth, and by extension the levers of government.

Walking down Lower Manhattan, I ran across a young man named “Busta”, presumably an alias inspired by the rapper Busta Rhymes. Oddly enough, the original used “Busta” as an alias inspired by an NFL football player, but I digress…

I asked Busta what was next for the movement after leveling the financial playing field for everyday Americans.

Busta: The porn industry. It’s going down (figuratively). They’re making obscene profits off the backs (or was that palms?) of millions of hard working Americans.

Dr. Bizarre: What do you mean?

Busta: Listen. 1% of entertainment industry is snatching up 99% of the slutty, promiscuous women out there. It’s completely unfair. I think we’re planning to hold a candlelight vigil outside Vivid Entertainment’s headquarters. I heard when the candles melt the liquid can be used as a cherry flavored lubricant, so it’s environmentally friendly…

Dr. Bizarre: But doesn’t the adult entertainment industry provide a relatively cheap, high quality product that you enjoy?

Busta: Sure. Sure. But it doesn’t matter. Didn’t you hear me? They’re making profits!

Dr. Bizarre: True, but they’re also investing those profits into new products. And you can always go into business for yourself, can’t you?

Busta: Getting into business for myself? In the porn industry? Are you nuts? No thanks. I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to do that.

Dr. Bizarre: So what do you have the time, energy, and desire to do?

Busta: I’m not sure. I think I’d be a great interior decorator.

Dr. Bizarre: You do realize that very few people can do what the best of the best porn stars do, right? Whether it’s because of their unique moral standards or physical “assets,” there’s a scarcity of people who really stand out from the crowd—and that perhaps the market dictates that they be rewarded for such, errrm, talent (I’ll spare you the sermon on the “cost” to their eternal soul). In short: you shouldn’t be surprised, or even angered, by the gross inequalities between the wealth you acquire as an interior decorator, and the wealth acquired by titans of the porn industry.

Busta: Dude, you’re a downer. Speaking of which, I think my buddy has some drugs with your name on them. You’ll understand better once the hallucinogens kick in…

Long story short: I tried the drugs, of course. Besides Zuccoti Park turning into a big, peaceful, anthropomorphic cucumber, whatever economic lessons Busta thought might materialize never did. I might go back next weekend if they’re still there. There were some pretty pink pills I might partake in. If I play my socialist cards right, I might get them for free… Hipsters and hippies might not know about free market economics, but they certainly know how to pick some killer drugs.