Why can Alec Baldwin call a man a ‘c**k sucking f**’ but Sean Hannity can’t?

Alec Baldwin Cocksucking

I’m no fan of Sean Hannity. Let me make that clear from the get go. In fact, I think he uses Rush Limbaugh as show prep on regular occasions. When I’m in the mood to hear what right wing talk radio has to say, I want original thought. Regardless, the question must be asked: Why does MSNBC host Alec Baldwin get to call a photographer a “cock sucking fag” and Hannity doesn’t?

If the world is going to go the politically correct route, we need the sensitivity police to enforce the rules equally, do we not?

TMZ reports

Alec Baldwin is a sore winner … chasing down and threatening a photographer outside his Manhattan apartment … just hours after a courtroom victory this morning in his stalker case … and the whole thing was captured on video.

The video shows Baldwin —  who was with his wife and baby  — taking off in angry pursuit after the pap (not ours) … yelling, cursing and calling him a “c**ksucking f*g.”

It was only months ago that Alec called a reporter for the Daily Mail a “toxic little queen.” He got off (no pun intended) with that one, gets his own show on the very progressive MSNBC, and now this?  Baldwin is making it worse by claiming he did not in fact say what everyone on earth can hear him say.

Alec Baldwin is on the Twitter attack, claiming he did NOT call a reporter a “c**ksucking f*g” earlier today … he called him a “c**ksucking fathead.”

Further, Alec is threatening to sue TMZ for even suggesting that he used the homophobic slur.

Baldwin wrote, “Acoustic analysis proves the word is fathead. Fathead … Anti-gay slurs are wrong. They not only offend, but threaten hard fought tolerance of LGBT rights.”

Again, I’m no fan of Mr. Hannity, but can we all agree that he would be fired if he called a man on the street a “cock-sucking fag”? Heck, he’d probably be fired for saying “cock-sucking fathead.”

With Mr. Baldwin’s history of homophobic slurs and outbursts, one has to wonder: Why does he have so much gay on the brain? Why does the progressive television host allow gay slurs to bubble up every time he’s angry? My guess is that perhaps — just perhaps — Alec is curious about men in ways he’s unwilling to admit.

Here’s another thought: Calling a man a “cock sucking fathead” still is using gayness as an insult. Even worse, he’s painting the image of a man with a gigantic cranium giving oral sex to another man for anyone within earshot. Given that certain genetic disorders cause the human head to grow larger than normal, one can make the case that Alec Baldwin hit two birds with one sperm (or was that ‘stone’?) — he hates gay people and the disabled.

Tomorrow, I predict Alec Baldwin will say he really called the photographer one of the following terms:

  • Cock-sucking skinny nipple
  • Cock-sucking obese penis
  • Cock-sucking popsicle toe
  • Cock-sucking piano finger

Note to MSNBC: You know that if Sean Hannity did the exact same that thing Alec Baldwin did you would cover it for days and call for his head on a silver platter. Cock-sucking chunky butts everywhere expect you to do the right thing…

If Obama lies about the NSA on The Tonight Show and no one notices, did he really lie?

Obama Jay Leno

Do you remember when President Obama went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and told Americans not to worry about NSA spying programs? Yes? Well, it turns out he was sort of wrong. And by sort of wrong, I mean he lied through his teeth.

WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency collected the emails of tens of thousands of Americans for three years before acknowledging the problem in 2011 and bringing it to the attention of the secret intelligence court, which ordered the program overhauled.

Officials disclosed the history of that unlawful surveillance Wednesday, releasing three partially redacted opinions of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which detailed the concerns judges had about how the NSA had been siphoning data from the Internet in an effort to collect foreign intelligence.

On The Tonight Show, Mr. Obama said our NSA programs were a “critical component” to our counter-terrorism and that “there is no spying on Americans.” He added: “None of the revelations showed that government has abused these powers.”

Question: How does reading tens-of-thousands of emails written by Americans with no connection to terror not constitute a.) spying or b.) an abuse of power?

Since when did reading your email get lumped in with the “meta data” the federal government collects as you surf the Internet?

If President Obama lies on The Tonight Show and no one notices, did he really lie?

The short answer to all of these questions is this: it doesn’t matter until 2016, because The Cult of Barack Obama is immune to any facts or figures or “inconvenient truths” that might make them rethink the “Hope and Change” hat, t-shirt, bumper sticker and sweatpants they bought in 2008 and 2012.

Here’s what does matter, though: I was right about my former NSA lover all along. When everyone else said I was just a tinfoil hat wearing guy with a blog that I returned to during random moments of sobriety, I soldiered on with the truth. And now, I’m vindicated:

The employees even had a code name for the practice – “Love-int” – meaning the gathering of intelligence on their partners.

Dianne Feinstein, a senator who chairs the Senate intelligence committee, said the NSA told her committee about a set of “isolated cases” that have occurred about once a year for the last 10 years. The spying was not within the US, and was carried out when one of the lovers was abroad.

One employee was disciplined for using the NSA’s resources to track a former spouse, the Associated Press said.

Regular readers to this blog know that I’m often abroad and, while I might not be in a state to blog, I do not cheat on my significant other. I am a serial monogamous who ingests strange substances and usually winds up in the Fourth Dimension — but never in the bed of another woman.

The moral of the story is this: Do not trust President Obama. Do not write anything in your private email you wouldn’t want some rookie at the NSA reading. And finally, do not enter into a romantic relationship with someone who works “for the government.”

Ron Paul’s Grape Jelly Paraphilia Overlooked by Supporters.

With the Iowa caucuses just a few days away, a thorough analysis should be done on Ron Paul’s supporters. For instance, despite volumes of racist, anti-semitic writings that he signed off on over the years, their support does not waver. Despite doing his best to ingratiate himself with Iran’s Revolutionary Guard, they still see him as the closest thing to George Washington since the Founder’s death. And despite being perhaps the only American to criticize the capture and killing of Osama bin Laden (Paul wishes we worked more closely with ISI, who conveniently couldn’t find him hiding a block away from a major Pakistani military base)—the Paulbots’ support stands firm.

All this is about to change, as there are reportedly pictures of Ron Paul, naked and slathered in grape jelly, in the hands of The New York Times. An anonymous source claims Paul has a food fetish, otherwise known as sitophilia. On days when the self-appointed master of all things “Constitution” isn’t blasting the fed or lamenting the legality of The Civil Rights Act, he’s practicing his God-given right to strip down to his bare essentials, hit the cupboard filled with Welch’s Grape Jelly, and slather himself up in sticky goodness.

Asked about this unforeseen event, Iowans for Ron Paul President, Guy Fawkes (he refuses to use his real name), said:

“Just as I fight for every American’s freedom of speech—even speech I wholeheartedly disagree with—I will fight for every American’s right to practice their paraphilia as they see fit. If this picture surfaces it will only reinforce my belief that Ron Paul is the right man for the job. Ron Paul is anti-establishment, and what can be more anti-establishment than racist newsletters written by a man who would rather cover himself in jelly than the blood of innocent civilians killed in a war for oil.”

Sources close to the story claim that it will drop a day after the Iowa’s results are in, if Paul wins. Short of a Barack Obama Peanut Butter expose, this story is set to rule whatever news cycle it’s launched in.

Herman Cain Suspends Campaign. History Wonders: Playa Extraordinaire?

Herman Cain has suspended his campaign and started a new website. History is left to wonder if the allegations were ever true. I hope not, but if they are it can only mean one thing: Herman Cain is a Playa Extraordinaire.

Herman Cain has officially suspended his campaign. It’s over. And in its place is thecainsolutions.com. Since a number of accusers have popped up over the past month he’s been accused of sexual harassment, language that made a woman feel “uncomfortable” (not that hard to do, but it garnered media attention), and a 13 year affair with Ginger White.

What’s most interesting about all of these women is that, in their own right, all of them that media have looked into appear to have tinctures of nuttiness at best, and full-blown weirdness at worst (e.g., charged with stalking and sued for libel). Does that mean that Cain is the victim of a massive liberal conspiracy, as he has been known to suggest? Of course not.

I now put before you an alternative, much more likely scenario: Herman Cain is a Playa Extraordinaire. My very first post was, in fact, The Cheating Manifesto for the Unrepentant Politician, so I know a thing or two about the deviant psyche. And, while I don’t like giving away too many secrets (I need them for myself), I’ll make this exception since Herman Cain appears to dabble in the dark arts of alcohol-inspired debauchery.

  • If you are going to cheat on your significant other you do NOT cheat on her with a beautiful woman. Wrong move, Private. Instead, you look for the most hideous, out-of-shape specimen you can find. If you don’t have the stomach for this, do what Herman Cain (may) have done, which is to find women who possess such qualities on a psychological level.
  • If you are going to cheat on your significant other, you should be able to walk up to your wife an admit you did so—only to have her laugh in your face and continue on with whatever it was she was doing when you interrupted her. If your lie is so big and “bold” (a word Herman uses often) that no one will believe it, you’ve won half the battle. The rest mostly involves being able to live with yourself, knowing that you’re a horrible person.

Note: I do not advocate doing this. In fact, I believe that such a lifestyle is not conducive to mental, physical, or spiritual health. However, if you’re going to do it (in a free society we’re also free to be stupid), then I might as well help you minimize the damage to the surrounding community. There is a certain chivalry among liars, and one rule they live by is that when it blows up it should mostly blow up in their face, with the collateral damage only being those unfortunate enough to be standing by the blast area.

Herman Cain, if you’ve done any of things you’ve been accused of, I feel sorry for your wife Gloria. The “Playas” of the world, however, salute you.

Tri-Sexual Puerto Ricans Sympathetic to Sex Scandal Politician?

Not too long ago Anthony Weiner had captivated the nation with his strange, uncontrollable urges to take pictures of his penis and send them out over the internet. Not to be outdone, Puerto Rican Senator Roberto Arango upped the ante by doing something similar, but with a latent homosexual twist! For some reason it seems as though the most fervent anti-gay politicians always seem to be the ones who ultimately reveal they have a taste for sperm like you and I get a taste for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

Regardless, I did a little digging, and here’s what I found:

• A 2009 Pew Poll found that 40% of Puerto Ricans consider themselves “tri-sexual” (defined as masturbation to hermaphroditic porn at least once within the past five years).

• A Gallup Poll found that almost two-thirds of Puerto Rican men would allow their anonymous, naked bodies on gay websites if they could benefit monetarily from the practice.

• An AMA double-blind study found that—if blindfolded—Puerto Ricans were more four times as likely as their American neighbors to “go with it” if a mysterious hand (gender unknown) began touching them inappropriately.

• A CBS/New York Times poll found that 10% of Peurto Rican males sexual dreams about Mexican singer Daddy Yankee.

• Rutgers University published a study in 2010 that found 85% of their Puerto Rican students over the course of a decade had listened to Elton John’s Tiny Dancer without changing the radio station.

• 100% of news outlets reported that when they’re having a slow news day, polls are a great way to fill the void. Hiring pollsters who tailor questions that will achieve the organization’s desired results was also favored by 95% of news outlets.

How sad is it that we’re collectively so opposed to dealing with the big problems we created that we now have to create a multitude of micro-distractions, hoping that if just one more news cycle goes by the problems will have disappeared, or that we’ll be able to buy ourselves more time.

Politicians in the U.S. and Puerto Rico run up the credit card debt on future generations, knowing that they’ll be the ones saddled with the bill. They do so, knowing that an uninformed public more concerned with sordid sex scandals than boring bookkeeping will let them.

There are no more diplomats. They’re dead. And in their place are unserious perverts running around online playgrounds on our dime because we let them.

I’ll see you when the Congressional sex tape breaks. As I said, it’s only a matter of time.

Congress Plans 2012 Sex Scandal Strategy. Hopes Pinned On Aaron Schock.

A Congressional sex tape will surface. It's only a matter of time. Let's hope it involves more Aaron Schock and less Henry Waxman

It wasn’t too long ago that I snagged an interview with Anthony Weiner’s weiner. Like most sex scandals, that’s old news. People want to know about what’s going on now, and even better—what the future holds. Luckily, I have a contact with the Secret Society of Congressional Cheaters. I met with one of their rising stars (incognito, of course), and he agreed to give me a glimpse into the Cheating Congressional Husbands’ playbook for 2012 and beyond. The “Special Teams” Sex Scandal Addendum was included.

Dr. Bizarre: Congressman, it’s been an interesting year for the Congressional and political cheating male husbands. Anthony Weiner bloomed. Arnold Schwarzenegger left office in California and was outed prematurely—I know you had hoped he’d make it do DC before word leaked. Regardless, tell us how you feel.

Congressman X: Weiner was huge. Huge! The guy single-handedly commanded at least three news cycles. He did it while his wife was pregnant. Freakin’ amazing stuff. And what can I say about Arnold? He’s Mr. Universe when it comes to weightlifting, and he’s Mr. Universe when it comes to infidelity. I mean, how many guys could knock up the maid, have the kid in secret, and then keep her employed for so many years? Unbelievable stuff, and by a Republican no less.

Dr. Bizarre: Surreal, indeed. But what about 2012? There are some Congressional races coming up. There’s Obama’s reelection campaign. Are you afraid that Congressional adulterers will be replaced from office before their scandals can be revealed for maximum media coverage?

Congressman X: Listen, Bizarre. I’m going to basically spell out what we’re going to do. I’m going to do this because you won’t believe it. John Edwards is, in many ways, the Gold Standard for cheating DC politicians. The man was this close to being Vice President and he was impregnating women while his cancer-stricken wife was out on the trail telling the world what a stand up guy he was. It’s tough to match that. Luckily, we have a bi-partisan field of cheaters who are on board with what’s to come.

Dr. Bizarre: And that is?

Congressman X: The past few years have seen men cheat while their wives were pregnant. That’s become ho-hum. It would be nice if someone could pull off an affair in the hospital while their wife was actually giving birth…but let’s get real—2012 is going to be big. It has to be big. We have big deficits. We have big problems. As Americans, we dream big. And because of that, Congress is going to let them down bigger and badder than they ever have before.

Dr. Bizarre: Again, specifics?

Congressman X: Paris Hilton made a video. Amateur porn is popular with the folks. What better way to show you’re one of the people than by releasing your own?

Dr. Bizarre: You’re saying there might be member of Congress who releases a sex tape?

Congressman X: It’s not a matter of “if”, Bizarre. It’s a matter of “when”. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a sit down interview with Anderson Cooper, a taping with Chris Wallace, and a quickie with my mistress. See you in 2012.

So there you have it. The Congressional sex tape is on it’s way. As with all scandals, an exact date is hard to pin down. Hopefully it will involve more Aaron Schock (even though he’s not married) and less Henry Waxman.

Let's hope Henry Waxman hasn't been making amateur porn when he's not trimming his stache.

An Interview With Anthony Weiner’s Weiner.

In 2009 I scored an interview unlike any other – the breasts of Governor Mark Sanford’s mistress. They were willing to talk. I was willing to listen. With an ear at each side, I asked questions. Hard questions. And the Argentinian’s left and right answered.

Say what you will about the former Republican official, but the body parts he threw it all away for were top notch. Unfortunately, breasts are capable of getting cold feet (who knew?), and they requested the interview not be published. Being the honest and upstanding guy I am, the interview was wiped away like the last little dribble from a nursing mother’s nipple.

Fast forward to today, where I just convinced a certain member of Congress’ member to talk. Anthony Weiner’s Weiner was ready to come clean last night, and I was ready to book a last-minute flight out from an undisclosed location to meet with it.

While I must admit that crawling inside a pair of Congressman Weiner’s “skinny jeans” was a bit cramped, the interview was worth it. The New York Democrat was even kind enough to leave his zipper open, which did a lot for the air and light quality inside.

Here now is my interview with Congressman Anthony Weiner’s weiner. I’d like to thank his testicles for a.) not getting testy with me, and b.) making room for an out of shape journalist who forgot to take his shoes off at the underwear.

DR. B: Can I call you Weiner?

Congressman Weiner’s Penis: Most people call me Mjǫlnir, but sure.

DR. B: Isn’t that Thor’s hammer?

Weiner: Correct.

DR. B: Interesting.

Weiner: It’s a long story. It might come out sometime next year, at this rate.

DR. B: I’d be more than happy to break that story. Feel free to share at any time during the interview. With that said – Twitter. The texts. The pictures.  The lies. Why?

Weiner: Let’s get one thing straight right now. Brett Farve’s penis has nothing on me. That show-boater had to fully expose himself to get a little attention. He had to go after a smoking-hot cheerleader for attention (how original), and even then the story didn’t have legs.

DR. B: Some might say the media was covering up for Farve.

Weiner: Not Farve. His penis, Fourth and Long.

DR. B:  Who?

Weiner: Fourth and Long. That’s what they call him.

DR. B: (shaking my head). Whatever. Your response indicates that it’s not the man who is responsible for his actions, but his libido.

Weiner: Do you really think this story has lasted as long as it has because of the PR gaffes of the Congressman? I love the guy, I really do. He’s handled our relationship wonderfully for years. But Mjǫlnir gets what Mjǫlnir wants. And right now Mjǫlnir wants this story to stick around.

DR. B: Did you just refer to yourself in third person?

Weiner:  Yes.

DR. B: You’re very bold.

Weiner: You’re just noticing?

DR. B: I feel as though we’re getting sidetracked. Back to Twitter and the lies? Why?

Mjǫlnir: Larry Craig. Republican Senator from Idaho. Want to know why he went out like he did? It’s because his weiner is lazy. There, I said it. Men are easy. Men aren’t complicated. You want to play Star Wars light sabre fight in an airport bathroom? Any guy can do that. Men are like shaved Wookies, led around by their basest instincts.  You want to fly the Millennium Falcon into a college co-ed’s Exogorth – that requires skill. Those kids are crazy!

DR. B: I’m so confused right now.

Mjǫlnir:  The space monster from Empire Strikes Back? On the asteroid. It had a name.

DR. B: Mjolnir, with all due respect –

Weiner: The kind of skills it takes to navigate the legislative horse-trading circus – do you even realize how hard it is to get a bill to the president’s desk and signed into law? – those skills have been honed in Anthony Weiner during the past six years of  online sexual banter. Today’s legislation is usually passed in back rooms in the middle of the night, so why can’t I let loose in Congressional offices during the workday? Anthony’s Weiner’s texting, in a way, has been more open than the modern legislative process! And yet “journalists” like you want to come after me? Or are you a Private Dick? Nice try, Columbo.

DR. B: Peter Falk references aside (he is a great man)…

Weiner: You ever see Murder Inc.?

DR. B: Yes. Classic. But we’re talking Weiner Inc.

Weiner: The stakes were high, and I took my chances with a Blackjack dealer.  I know it’s questionable. But that’s really none of your business.

DR. B: Don’t you think this is one of those instances where the cover up is worse than the crime? I think the lesson here seems to be about lying.

Weiner: You know what? Screw you pal. I’m covered up all day, every day. Crawl into someone else’s pants pocket and stay there for a few hours and see how you feel. Sweaty and alone are good bets. Weiners gets stir crazy just like anyone else.  I’m a star, and a star’s got to shine. You can’t pull the shade on the sun and say, “No thanks, pal.” It doesn’t work. Likewise, Weiner’s Weiner is a porn star trapped in a Congressman’s clothing. And right now, this porn star is done with you! Anthony, get Peter Falk out of here!

And with that, I was banished from the Congressman’s pants forever. The takeaway? Weiner’s Weiner won’t be the last to make a name for himself. There will be others. They’ll exacerbate the worst details of a story about masturbation. They’ll make it about much, much more by lying. And when that happens, I’ll be there with pad and pen breaking the story.

And Mjolnir, or whatever you’re calling yourself these days: thanks for shaving before our interview.