Obama changes his mind: On second thought, how about some U.S. troops in Syria?

US Syria troops Obama

President Obama said for years that he wasn’t going to send U.S. troops into Syria, but like the urge to kill a man with a Predator drone instead of bringing him in for interrogation (and dealing with all those legal formalities), some things are just too hard to resist.

NBC News reported Friday:

The U.S. will send a small number of U.S. special operations forces into Syria as part of a shift in its strategy against ISIS, White House officials announced Friday.

President Barack Obama has authorized a contingent of fewer than 50 commandos to deploy into northern Syria and work with moderate opposition forces who are fighting the militants.

While the White House has consistently said it would not put U.S. boots on the ground, spokesman Josh Earnest insisted that they will be there in a “train, advise and assist mission” — and not in a combat role.

President Obama says troops will only be in an “advise and assist” role like a teenage boy tells his girlfriend he’ll only put in the tip…right before accidentally impregnating her.

The key to success on the battlefield is to treat war just like a responsible but sexually-active young man treats intercourse with his girlfriend.

  • Be upfront and clear about your intentions with your partner.
  • If you go in, go all the way — but make sure to come prepared.
  • Do not commit to anything you will regret later.

Middle East map

The problem with Mr. Obama is that no one knows what his intentions are, he only sort-of-kind-of-maybe commits to allies around the globe, and as a result he ends up creating messes he must then try to fix with more diplomatic sex-games.

Consider for a moment, if you will:

  • Announcing a “red line” in Syria for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad if he uses chemical weapons, and then doing nothing once that line is crossed.
  • Calling (and treating) the Islamic State group like a “J.V. Team” as it marched across Iraq, and then having to send U.S. troops back in after having pulled them all out in 2011.
  • Announcing a pull-out date for troops in Afghanistan, which allowed Taliban and al-Qaeda terrorists to set up attack timetables accordingly. The result: U.S. troops must now stay longer in Afghanistan.

Mr. Obama is the guy who used to play kinky sex games with “safe” words, and then wondered why his partner wound up in the hospital. He is the guy who tells his date he has a condom, but then gets so drunk he forgets to put it on in the dark and winds up with a child nine months later. And his is the guy who drinks with his partner at the bar and then inexplicably leaves her alone with two male acquaintances because he wanted to go home early.

The reason the U.S. must now enter Syria in a heightened military capacity is because the president’s other diplomatic sex-games (e.g., airstrikes…airstrikes…airstrikes) have failed. He is the virgin who shows up to an orgy; the results are entirely predictable.

Here’s to all the special operators out there…especially the ones who talk dirty to me.

Dalai Lama: Obama is the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain

Dalai Lama APThe Obama administration was blindsided Monday when a press release attributed to the Dalai Lama said that, after much meditation, it was determined U.S. President Barack Obama was the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain.

“The universal consciousness is a steaming brew of all sorts of cosmic mysteries, but every so often a bubble forms that we’ve seen before. Mr. Obama’s nuclear deal with a regime that openly threatens to destroy the United States of America is an indicator that Mr. Chamberlain has returned. It is for this reason that, should I die in the next few years, I may choose not to reincarnate.” — (The Dalai Lama)

Mr. Chamberlain is infamously known for holding up an agreement between he and Adolph Hilter not to go to war with Britain. The Munich Agreement of 1938 didn’t bring about “peace for our time,” but instead the invasion of Poland and the outbreak of World War II.

Neville ChamberlainWhite House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was respectful, but skeptical, of the Dalai Lama’s claims.

“The Obama administration is slightly confused by the message sent by His Holiness, but we will not engage in a debate on reincarnation with the spiritual master. We know that he is a man of peace — just like Mr. Obama — and it is for that reason we are not brushing off his declaration as a bizarre form of satire,” Mr. Earnest told reporters. “We believe that peace can be had, even if it means giving billions of dollars to theocratic police states that sponsor global terrorism and call for the destruction of America and its allies.”

A spokesman for His Holiness said there is no political motive behind acknowledging the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain — Mr. Obama “just is.”

The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) was able to secure comment by the nation’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, on the news of Mr. Chamberlain’s reincarnation.

“Death to America! Death to America! Death to America!” the Iranian leader said, IRNA reported.

DCCC: Republicans responsible for Ebola — but also original sin, diarrhea, and Elephantitis

DCCC Ebola adDCCC blames GOP for EbolaThe Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and a liberal nonprofit organization named The Agenda Project Action Fund have blamed the Republican Party for the spread of Ebola in the U.S., but the American people haven’t bought it. Neither has The Washington Post, which called the claims “absurd.” Now, Democrats have launched a new trial balloon: Republicans are responsible for original sin, and by extension death and any number of other maladies.

In an interview with MSNBC’s Morning Joe crew on Thursday, DCCC Chairman Steve Israel blamed the “original Republicans, Adam and Eve,” for the fall of humanity and its banishment from the Garden of Eden.

Mr. Israel told Mika Brzezinski:

“Death rides a pale horse, but it wouldn’t be that way if the original Republicans, Adam and Eve, hadn’t rebelled against God. Yes, the American people are being led to believe that Ebola spreads because West Africans eating bushmeat continue to deny the existence of Ebola even as their friends and family die gruesome, painful deaths. They’ve been led to believe that CDC officials who tell Dallas hospital employees to hop aboard airplanes (even when they’re suffering from suspicious fevers) may need to be held accountable — but it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

The GOP brought on Ebola. Nay, they may have even invented it! But they also bit from the apple that is the cause of all modern-day pestilence, disease, decay and ultimately death. Voters need to hold them accountable in three weeks.

Joe Scarborough was skeptical of the claim, although he said he would ultimately reserve judgment until Fact Checkers at with PolitiFact weighed in before the weekend.

“Joe, I’m telling you, I have this on good authority. The same religious scholars who assure me God that is totally cool with killing babies in the womb while calling it ‘choice’ have presented me with incontrovertible evidence that Adam and Eve were, whether we like it or not, Republicans.”

The MSNBC panel looked around astounded, when finally its host broke the stunned silence.

“If this is true, this is going to be a game-changer,” said Mr. Scarborough. “Keep me updated.”

A spokesman for the DCCC said that it would be putting out a list of all the ailments Republicans are responsible for within days. A partial list released to the media includes:

  • Diarrhea
  • Gout
  • Cancer
  • Malaria
  • Elephantitis
  • Scabies
  • Infidelity
  • Halitosis
  • Menopause
  • Tooth decay

When asked for proof of the above claims, the DCCC spokesman simply told The Associated Press: “The proof is in the pudding, boys. They proof…is in…the pudding.”

Obama to call Islamic terrorists ‘Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles’

Obama RG

For years the Obama administration has gone out of its way to avoid using terms like “Islamic extremist” or “Muslim terrorist.” The word ‘jihad’ is rarely, if ever, used in public pronouncements by the State Department. And perhaps the most striking example of the White House’s attempt to mind-wipe any notion that terrorism committed in the name of Islam has anything whatsoever to do with the religion came from former Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Speaking to the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee in 2009, she said:

The overriding and urgent mission of the United States Department of Homeland Security is contained in the name of the agency itself. To secure the homeland means to protect our nation’s borders by finding and killing the roots of terrorism and to stop those who intend to hurt us; to wisely enforce the rule of law at our borders; to protect our national cyber infrastructure; and to prepare for and respond to natural and man-caused disasters with speed, skill, compassion, and effectiveness.

With the emergence of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the Obama administration has determined that “man-caused-disasters” is not going to cut it anymore. With the news that Christians in Mosul have fled after being told to convert to Islam or die, the president held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday to address the matter.

“Greetings, my fellow Americans. In 2011 I oversaw the exit of all U.S. military personnel from Iraq and ended a war that took the lives of over 4,000 of our most courageous men and women. At the time I knew that challenges would remain for the fragile Iraqi government, just as any nation that has wrestled itself out from under the thumb of a brutal dictator faces dark and difficult days. However, I was confident Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and the Iraqi government were up to the task.

The past few months have shown that the threat posed by Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles is ongoing and real, which is why I affirm the U.S. commitment to ending fundamentalist tiddle-taddle wherever it may rear its ugly head.

Ultimately, the U.S. can not rid Iraq of its fuzzy problem, but the military advisers I have sent to the region will work hand-in-hand with Sunni and Shiite Iraqi security forces to ensure that violence in the name of wuzzy is mitigated and peace restored to a region with its best days still ahead.

Thank you.”

CNN’s Chief International Correspondent Christiane Amanpour took Mr. Obama’s cue and ran with it immediately after the broadcast, saying “Polls show that the American people have tired of the president’s speeches, but I must say that this was in many ways a return to form. If Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles thought Mr. Obama was soft on fuzzy, they’ll need to think again. Back to you, Wolf.”

Islamic State

Harry Reid: Koch brothers are pro-life because they kidnap and eat live babies

Reid AP

On May 7, 2014, Democratic Senator Harry Reid of Nevada made the claim that the Koch Brothers are one of the “main causes” of Climate Change.

“While the Koch brothers admit to not being experts on the matter, these billionaire oil tycoons are certainly experts at contributing to climate change. That’s what they do very well. They are one of the main causes of this. Not a cause, one of the main causes.” – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.), floor speech, May 7, 2014

The Washington Post gave this claim three “Pinocchios.” The paper — no friend to conservatives — also noted that the private citizens seems to be bogeymen for the Democratic Party after Mr. Reid called them “un-American” on the Senate floor, in addition to claiming that “all” horror stories about Obamacare are “untrue” — tall tales cooked up by the Koch brothers. And, speaking of cooked, Sen. Reid is back with another charge — the Koch brothers are pro-life because they eat live babies.

Speaking at a fundraiser hosted by Reid donor and billionaire casino owner Sheldon Adelson on Saturday night (see Jon Stewart’s commentary on the history between the two), the senator said:

On Aug 2, 2012, I said ““The word’s out that he [Romney] hasn’t paid any taxes for 10 years,” and the Washington Post gave me four “Pinocchios,” for the claim. The paper thought I was reckless for saying a “source” told me that it was true and that “a number of people” (all unnamed) verified it. Conservative bloggers made jokes about “sources” that told them I had a pederasty problem. Well, I’m here to tell you that the real problem is the Koch brothers and that my same reliable sources have told me that they are pro-life because they and their henchmen running American for Prosperity have a voracious appetite for live babies.

Make no mistake — this is no Jonathan Swift satire. This is real, because we know for a fact that the Koch brothers are behind Global Warming, Climate Change, Climate Disruption and all the hurricanes and hot weather and cold weather and unseasonably mild weather that comes along with it.

The FBI had over 660,000 missing persons cases filed with the National Crime Information Center in 2012. And do you know why the majority of those missing persons went missing to begin with? The Koch brothers.

This is not petty politics. This is not pitting American against American. This is not divide and conquer. This is real, which is why I ask you to chip in whatever disposable income you have to my reelection campaign, the coffers of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and all of our allies on the left side of the political spectrum. I ask you to join with me, my billion friend Sheldon Adelson, billionaires like George Soros and Hollywood millionaires like George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, and Harvey Weinstein as we take on the corrupt baby-eating money of the Koch brothers.

After word of the baby-eating Koch brothers charge made its way to Twitter and other social media platforms, reporters for The Washington Post reached out to Sen. Reid’s chief of staff, David Krone, who said:

“It’s been an open secret in Washington, D.C. for years that the Koch brothers eat kidnapped babies, and that they eat them with foie gras. It’s time for the American people to know the truth, and Sen. Reid stepped up to the plate. You want names? I’d tell you, but the Koch brothers might make those patriotic whistle blowers disappear. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Sen. Reid is scheduled to speak at Spring Valley Hospital Medical Center in Las Vegas in Monday. News outlets have been informed that the senator will connect the Koch brothers with the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS) is viral respiratory illness, as well as other infectious diseases.

Desperate John Kerry offers Putin sexual favors in return for peace in Ukraine

The world warned Russian President Vladimir Putin to stop after he annexed Crimea. He didn’t, and went about amassing tens-of-thousands of troops just outside East Ukraine. On Thursday, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that if Russia doesn’t halt its efforts to cause instability in the region — which many see as a pretext to invasion — economic sanctions will be forthcoming. Kerry said that Mr. Putin hasn’t taken a “single step in the right direction,” but the U.S. diplomat believes that he’s found the solution for peace: sexual favors.

“What is happening in eastern Ukraine is a military operation that is well planned and organized,” Kerry said. “If Russia continues in this direction, it will not only be a grave mistake — it will be an expensive mistake,” Mr. Kerry said Thursday, Business Insider reported. However, in an off-the-record discussion to the press that was leaked late Thursday, Secretary Kerry said the following:

“Many say that those of us who sincerely believe in ‘peace at any cost’ are only bringing about that which we fear most — pain, heartache and war. I’ve seen war, and believe me, I would not wish it upon any nation. The problem with the peace movement since the 1970s has been that while we preached ‘make love, not war’ we did not practice it. We never thought outside the box because we were afraid of what others might say. We stuck to standard methods of diplomacy, holding meetings to consider the possibility of a meeting where we would agree on a possible date to discuss the date to consider further negotiations.

These meetings were often derailed because narrow minds — on both sides — seek to act in their country’s best interest. It’s hard — mighty hard — to swim against the current of internal state politics, but I believe that there is one option we have never explored: sex.

The power of sex is a universal constant. It is something we all share. It is with that in mind that I call on Vladimir Putin and his inner circle to consider this American proposal: I and members of the State Department offer ourselves up as pleasure partners for our Communist friends. Disgraceful? If the alternative is economic sanctions that hurt the Russian people — or war, which hurts everyone — then call me a disgrace. If you ask me if I’d prefer bullets, bombs, and economic sanctions, or orgasms, the answer will be orgasms every time. It would be an honor to bed President Putin if it means peace in our time.

During Kerry’s public press conference, his message for Russia was “The window to change course is closing. We are ready to act.” Those traveling with the secretary who also heard the plea to accept U.S. sexual favors in return for peace openly wondered if he was talking about sanctions during the press conference, or sending his Russian counterparts a subliminal message.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was asked about what he thought about Secretary Kerry’s “Love Diplomacy” on Friday. While he would not say whether Russia would seriously consider the request, an interpreter said he could be seen rubbing his chin and mouthing, “I do like a good blow job” to an unidentified official next to him.

Obama: I won’t rest until gay polygamist pot smokers are truly free

President Obama recently made headlines when he sat down with The New Yorker’s David Remnick for his piece “Going the Distance.” In it, he asserted that smoking pot is no more dangerous than drinking alcohol — and I agree.

The New Yorker Reported:

“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.”

News outlets from The Huffington Post to USA Today, The Drudge Report to BBC all ran the story, but buried deep within the piece was an ever juicier bit:

“Let me be clear,” the president said. “We still have a lot of work to go. In some states gay marriage is legal, but what about polygamy? In fact, what about gay polygamy?” At this point the president leaned in close, lightly tapped on my knee with his index finger, and said in a near whisper “What about gay polygamist who want to legally smoke pot, David. What. About. Them?”

Mr. Obama rubbed his forehead. “The founders knew that we were all fallible people in a flawed system, but that we could always strive towards a more perfect union. When you unravel the public policy thread on the American cable knit sweater, what you soon realize is that in order to be free — truly free — men who want to live with and love other men while smoking copious amounts of marijuana for the rest of their lives need to be granted the opportunity to do so. When you zoom out from this amazing little blue planet known as earth you realize that we are less than a speck in the eye of the universe. And you and I and everyone else are specks within a speck! Do you really want to be the speck that denies another speck gay speck sex while high? I don’t.”

The president’s comments may seem ludicrous to some, but in his madness he makes some astute observations.

What does it mean to be free?

Does freedom entail something more than simply the ability to do whatever (and whomever) we want?

Are there objective moral truths out there that humanity can discern through logic and reason, faith and love?

Is marriage just about “loving” another person (or persons), and does true freedom mean having the freedom to destroy ourselves with plants, pills and crazy chemicals brought to us by the pharmaceutical industry?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m thankful that we finally have an American president who is standing up for gay polygamist pot smokers everywhere.