Obama: I won’t rest until gay polygamist pot smokers are truly free

President Obama recently made headlines when he sat down with The New Yorker’s David Remnick for his piece “Going the Distance.” In it, he asserted that smoking pot is no more dangerous than drinking alcohol — and I agree.

The New Yorker Reported:

“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.”

News outlets from The Huffington Post to USA Today, The Drudge Report to BBC all ran the story, but buried deep within the piece was an ever juicier bit:

“Let me be clear,” the president said. “We still have a lot of work to go. In some states gay marriage is legal, but what about polygamy? In fact, what about gay polygamy?” At this point the president leaned in close, lightly tapped on my knee with his index finger, and said in a near whisper “What about gay polygamist who want to legally smoke pot, David. What. About. Them?”

Mr. Obama rubbed his forehead. “The founders knew that we were all fallible people in a flawed system, but that we could always strive towards a more perfect union. When you unravel the public policy thread on the American cable knit sweater, what you soon realize is that in order to be free — truly free — men who want to live with and love other men while smoking copious amounts of marijuana for the rest of their lives need to be granted the opportunity to do so. When you zoom out from this amazing little blue planet known as earth you realize that we are less than a speck in the eye of the universe. And you and I and everyone else are specks within a speck! Do you really want to be the speck that denies another speck gay speck sex while high? I don’t.”

The president’s comments may seem ludicrous to some, but in his madness he makes some astute observations.

What does it mean to be free?

Does freedom entail something more than simply the ability to do whatever (and whomever) we want?

Are there objective moral truths out there that humanity can discern through logic and reason, faith and love?

Is marriage just about “loving” another person (or persons), and does true freedom mean having the freedom to destroy ourselves with plants, pills and crazy chemicals brought to us by the pharmaceutical industry?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m thankful that we finally have an American president who is standing up for gay polygamist pot smokers everywhere.

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San Fran nudity ban draws naked rage

What kind of world are we living in when a man can’t walk naked down a San Francisco street in broad daylight without Johnny Law coming down on his waxed backside? These are the times that try men’s souls, and it’s all because of Castro District’s Scott Wiener:

San Francisco may be getting ready to shed its image as a city where anything goes, including clothing.

City lawmakers are scheduled to vote Tuesday on an ordinance that would prohibit nudity in most public places, a blanket ban that represents an escalation of a two-year tiff between a devoted group of men who strut their stuff through the city’s famously gay Castro District and the supervisor who represents the area.

Supervisor Scott Wiener’s proposal would make it illegal for a person over the age of 5 to “expose his or her genitals, perineum or anal region on any public street, sidewalk, street median, parklet or plaza” or while using public transit. …

Stripped down to his sunglasses and hiking boots, McCray Winpsett, 37, said he understands the disgust of residents who would prefer not to see the body modifications and sex enhancement devices sported by some of the Castro nudists. But he thinks Wiener’s prohibition goes too far in undermining a tradition “that keeps San Francisco weird.”

Who are we to pass judgement on men who prefer to do their shopping wearing nothing but a penis pump? What kind of prudes are we, where in 2012 our community’s fine (or not fine) male specimens can’t walk through a gay part of town in the hopes that someone will like what the butcher is selling? Since when did such a proudly blue town become oppressively red?

On Nov. 6, 2012, President Obama was re-elected, and not weeks later the wards of tyranny seek to restrict a man from showing his Prince Albert off for the high school kids? Since when did Karl Rove grab control of the wheel in Nor Cal?

Colorado says “screw you” to the federal government and passes a law to legalize pot, but the citizens of San Francisco aren’t allowed to expose their “anal regions” in the subway? Talk about two steps forward, and one step back!

Listen to me, San Francisco, and listen to me hard: I’ve been to Ibiza. I’ve been to Pamplona. I ran with the bulls and I danced in soap suds while high on prescription drugs. That is a lot of fun, but one of the few things that has kept me tethered to the United States has been my ability to shove a ball gag in my mouth, strip down to my birthday suit, and skip, skip, skip to my Lou (my darlin’) down the streets of certain California wonderlands. Do not mess with my nudist-friends because they undress for success while you still cling to your monkey suits.

Let’s not turn the Castro District into the Fidel Castro District, shall we?

Big Bang, Bloomberg should ban the whole gang

I’m a little late to the soda-ban debate coming out of New York because, as regular readers know, the substances I partake in (some would say ‘abuse’) transcend those of the carbonated beverage variety — although most opium dens do provide PepsiCo. products for some weird reason.

During one verse of Bobby Darin’s classic, Splish Splash, he sings “Big bang, I saw the whole gang.” That’s how I feel about the efforts to ban or “limit” unhealthy foods and beverages. If you have dirty water in the bath tub, you won’t make it clean by draining out a portion of the water. You need to drain the whole darn tub, Mayor Bloomberg! You need to take out the whole gang!

And so, here now is a partial list of things that need to be banned, limited or changed in America to rid ourselves of this ongoing plague:

  • The McDonald’s dollar menu. Poor people have been abusing high calorie foods at a low cost for far too long. The United States is the only country in the world where poor people die of causes directly related to their own gluttony. We need to go back to the future and channel our friends in third world countries, where poor people die because of malnourishment. We can start by doing away with the dollar menu at McDonald’s.
  • Taco Bell ‘Fourth Meal’. The inventors of the delicious Doritos Locos taco are usually open into the wee hours of the morning, offering a ‘fourth meal’ for guys like me, who once worked odd shifts. Eating a high calorie meal and then going to bed is the worst thing a person can do from a weight-gain perspective. Screw convenience — we’ve got a “crisis” on our hands. Let’s close down Taco Bell, Wendy’s and whatever other late night restaurants perpetuate a nation of double-chins and love handles. I’m looking at you, IHOP!
  • Pants with elastic waistbands, sweatpants and loose-fitting jeans. If we stop making clothes big enough for fat people, they’ll have no choice put to slim down. Those who don’t comply will be forced to spend more time indoors, but then again … they’ll be out of sight. An unintended consequence of our good intentions? Sure. But we can fix that, too! We’ll have them slimmed down in no time by banning …
  • Pizza delivery and Chinese take out. These guys are the foot soldiers in the war on obesity, and they’re on the side of tyranny. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Sure, the U.S. is a more convenient place when with the click of a button you can have carbohydrates delivered to your door for dirt cheap prices, but it’s also a fatter place. Get on these fat troopers, Bloomberg, because they only care about profits.
  • Cars. Imagine if we made people ride a bike, walk or run to work every day. We’d have a pretty fit nation on our hands. Everyone would look so good the national libido would go through the roof. Sure, STD’s would skyrocket, but would you rather a little burning sensation when you pee, or skin tags under your armpits and behind your knees?
  • Escalators. Turn off all the escalators. Now. I guarantee America sees 10 pound weight loss per capita within six months. Wheel chair bound? Maybe we can make an elevator exception. Maybe.
  • The Internet. Look up the stats for how much the average person spends online. Do you know what they used to do? They played catch with their son. They took their daughter on a bike ride. They went out to a scurvy hotel and cheated on their wife with some dumb floozy (which burns calories, even if it increases the odds that you burn in hell). They did … stuff. And they most certainly didn’t waste time reading blogs by a guy who calls himself Doctor Bizarre.

With that said, I have to run. The Papa John’s guy is here. Bread sticks with extra garlic sauce on the side. Score.

Leviathan Fetus Ad Campaign To Take on Planned Parenthood

What happens when 53 million fetuses gather into one place? Fetus Leviathan...or was that Planned Parenthood's worst nightmare?

The National Right to Life has until recently only been known for two things: 1. Their staunch defense of the pro-life movement, and 2. A really crappy website. All that is about to change as they unleash a full frontal media assault on Planned Parenthood with…Fetus Leviathan! (or Baby Leviathan depending on your perspective). For years organizations like March for Life have drawn huge crowds, but scant media attention. With “Baby Leviathan”, The National Right to Life promises to give birth to a commercial that will be covered around the water cooler for a week.

In short, the discarded fetuses (or corpses?) of millions of babies are resurrected into a giant uber-fetus that springs forth from the ocean—Mother Earth—to confront Planned Parenthood operatives. Aspects of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol are also undeniable.

NRL President Carol Tobias weighs in:

53 million abortions since 1973. That’s astounding. Think of the national debt and stack up those dollar bills. Now think of four decades of abortions, and stack up those babies. Besides not being as stack-friendly as currency, it’s a disturbing visual, isn’t it? Well, we think the American people will see it that way too. We’re going to shift the debate with this ad buy, I promise.

Asked for a response, Planned Parenthood’s President, Cecile Richards, was defiant:

Guess what? To paraphrase Thomas Hobbes: “Life is nasty, brutish, and short—especially if you’re an unwanted fetus. Hobbes didn’t say that last bit…but the point is, the pro-life movement is wrong. Dead wrong (pardon the pun, I can’t help myself). There hasn’t been a genocide of 53 million people since 1973; Planned Parenthood has been a small part of saving the planet from 53 million carbon-dioxide emitters, rising crime, and abject poverty. The color of abortion is green. The right just doesn’t know it yet.

For many years the right has held prayer vigils outside abortion clinics. While prayer can be a powerful tool, in this instance it seems to have succeeded in…congregating a lot of really quiet people on really busy city sidewalks (interesting to look at, but not an effective deterrent to abortion for the less religious among us). Hopefully, this new ad campaign is a sign from God that they need to play hard ball.

Planned Parenhood has proven it can bring a coat hanger to a knife fight and win. But will they prevail (or partial-birth prevail?) against an all star marketing firm? Only time— perhaps a trimester—will tell.

This post was saved from a back alley dumpster filled with discarded satire, a beautiful bit of prose no one wanted. Saved by a good (but bizarre) doctor.

GOP Targets Youth By Acting Like It’s On Drugs

Every so often the GOP comes out of the depths to make itself known to young people. And then it returns to the deep, where old, old things reside. It's beautiful, yet sad, at the same time.

Somewhat like the regularity of the famous Humpback Whales migrating South for the winter, the GOP make a move towards the “youth” vote. Only, unlike Humpback Whales, the GOP never actually makes it to their desired destination. The GOP replicates this with the black vote as well, so perhaps the Sperm Whale is a more appropriate analogy…

Here’s the gist of it via hotair:

Since President Obama took office the deficit has more than tripled and the debt has skyrocketed. Every dollar Mr. Obama has borrowed or spent is a dollar millennials are going to have to pay back in the years ahead, in the form of higher taxes, a more sluggish economy, or both. Republicans can stress that while the Obama presidency has darkened the fiscal future, they have put forward solutions (such as the budget authored by Rep. Paul Ryan) to jump-start the economy and salvage the safety net for millennials.”

Someone needs to tell Margaret Hoover that young people know of Republicans “solutions” and they have rejected them! Republicans have been rejected for the ideology of “MeMeMeMeMeMe” (i.e., libertarianism) and modern-day Liberalism, whose advocates are impervious to economic reality. Young people don’t care about monster debt and they won’t until it disembowels them in the coming years.

Hotair’s Tina Korbe essentially says that Hoover is missing the broader point—that kids don’t understand basic economics and first principles—and she’s right. Once someone has a set of principles, those principles become a guide with which to navigate confusing public policy terrain. Tina Korbe is everything that is right about that GOP, and on many levels Ms. Hoover is what is wrong with them (assuming her book offers more of the same).

The GOP seem to think they have a shot at kids because Barack Obama has done a horrible job managing the economy. Whether that’s true or not misses the point: kids sadly get their news from Jon Stewart. A sizable portion of the electorate still blame George Bush for today’s economic problems. Jon Huntsman is creepy and looks like he crawls into a coffin at night. Tim Pawlenty is a nerd, but not the kind of nerd who’s actually kind of cool… Mitt Romney wants to be President so bad that’s it’s weird and off-putting. Paul Ryan isn’t running (yet).

The only person the GOP has who, at this point, seems to know how to strike a balance between policy-wonk and “regular” (level-headed) guy is Paul Ryan. He could go toe-to-toe with Barack Obama and win.

Keep smoking whatever you’re smoking, Ms. Hoover. You’ll get kids to hang out with you at the GOP headquarters with your new message, but they’re not the type who will be out of bed when the polls close on election day.

Happy Independence Day. Congrats: We’re Not New Zealand.

In New Zealand they have food festivals where men and women down horse semen shots. Americans like Roy Rogers would never pull Trigger's trigger and take a shot. Conservative and Liberal think tanks are lacking in their scholarly research on whether or not a nation of horse-semen swallowers can govern themselves.

It’s the Fourth of July, which means it’s time to reflect on what it means to be an American. I went to the premier liberal and conservative think tanks, Brookings and Heritage, to see what scholarly thoughts they were dishing up. I left out libertarian Cato because I figured they were all doing drugs this weekend.

Both organizations covered today in their own unique way, but I must admit that they jointly missed out on the key point: We’re not New Zealand. Yet. And by that I mean that our women aren’t “flocking” to do horse-semen shots. What does it say about a nation where the men are so impotent that the women have to turn to another species’ sperm to get their kicks? I haven’t read up on The Federalist Papers in awhile, but I believe Federalist 69 states that once a nation’s sexual perversions fall outside “the people”, it can no longer be governed by “the people” and must be abolished. One of the dangers our Founders warned us about was that a strong federal government composed of horse-semen swallowers would impose its warped views on the rest of us. I’m paraphrasing Jefferson, who said, “Slaves to the horse-semen will make slaves of us all,” (which is interesting, as he did not free his slaves when he passed away…) On this Independence Day, let us thank the Lord that as of now we are only prone to electing scrotum-sharing sexy-talkers like Antony Weiner and house-maid impregnators like “The Governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger.

But I digress. Back to the subject at hand. I went to The Heritage Foundation’s home page and found a nice piece up, most notably the following paragraph:

The structure of the Declaration of Independence is that of a common law legal document. The ringing phrases of the document’s famous second paragraph are a powerful synthesis of American constitutional and republican government theories. All men have a right to liberty only in so far as they are by nature equal, which is to say none are naturally superior, and deserve to rule, or inferior, and deserve to be ruled. Because men are endowed with these rights, the rights are unalienable, which means that they cannot be given up or taken away. And because individuals equally possess these rights, governments derive their just powers from the consent of those governed. The purpose of government is to secure these fundamental rights and, although prudence tells us that governments should not be changed for trivial reasons, the people retain the right to alter or abolish government when it becomes destructive of these ends.

Liberal or Conservative, I find the above passage hard to argue with. It’s a great message, and one that should be intellectually beaten into the mushy heads of teenagers everywhere. Again, we are always one generation away from becoming a nation of horse-sperm fiends; it’s imperative that we teach our children what makes America such a special place.

I also went to Brookings’ home page. There I found an article from June 27th on the misguided decision by the Obama administration to tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. There were a few other articles from late June, but nothing set aside to mark Independence Day. I attribute this not to a lack of caring on our liberal friends’ part, but perhaps due to caring too much! My bet is that they’ve been partying it up since before the 4th, since liberals have a strong record of throwing incredibly kick ass parties (They don’t invite crusty old white men and women who shop at Talbots to their throw downs).

Regardless of your political affiliation, I hope you take a step back and think about the freedoms and liberties you have as an American. Raise a glass and make a toast to our Founding Fathers, as well as those who fought (and those who continue to fight) so that we might live free. Just keep your hands off animals. Let’s leave that to the women of New Zealand.

Cheers,

Dr. Bizarre

Three Cheers for Failed U.S. Education Reform!

I’d like to thank Republicans, Democrats, techers’ unions, and lazy parents for helping to create the Morlock devolution.

There’s recently been a spate of “flash robs” across the nation, whereas bands of “urban youths” use social media sites to plan heard-robberies from local convenience stores, small businesses—or to simply attack a helpless victim for the fun of it. While some might find this trend deplorable, I (the eternal optimist), would like to look on the bright side of things. Before our very eyes we are witnessing the formation of the Morlocks H.G. Wells spoke of in The Time Machine! How cool is that? And who do we have to thank? The failing U.S. Education system, and the men and women who are committed to making it stay that way.

From the deepest recesses of my heart I say: Thank You.

Let me explain. We used to have gangsters like Al Capone. Thugs in those days knew how to make money, grow their criminal empire, bribe politicians, and were often a force to be reckoned with. They were capable of things like The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre. The uneducated criminal back in the 1920’s and 1930’s was exponentially more worldly than today’s urban-youth flash-mobber.

Think about it: today’s hoodlums steal Twinkies and Hostess pies from Walgreens en masse. They rob sweat shirts and hoodies from clothing stores in Georgetown. The pinnacle of thought for them seems to be beating up random tourists and then posting it on Youtube or some other social media platform (where cops subsequently have an easier time arresting them). They’re morons! The troglodyte exists, and he’s the modern-America kid of whiteblackasianhispanic decent. Our societal breakdown is nearly complete, thanks to our failing education system (ignored by the “elite” in both political parties). It crosses racial boundaries, which is great because a diversity of ignorance allows us to hold our head high in the court of public opinion. Coupled with drug use and really cool video games, today’s young criminals have put my mind at ease. They’re anti-social, lazy, out-of-shape losers whose threat to society—in the long term—is nothing. Our Morlock friends are on the way to extinction, and they don’t even know it. Meanwhile, guys like you and eye will accumulate wealth and capital in the years to come. When our Japanese friends obsessed with robots finally make market-ready maids (that guys like Arnold Schwarzenegger can sleep with without having to worry about his Mr. Universe sperm impregnating), our Morlock friends will be ready to move underground.

Perhaps one day I’ll buy some Twinkies, drop them down the sewer drain, and pat myself on the back. And to think, this wonderful future is about to be ours thanks to teachers unions, selfish parents who can’t be bothered to get involved, and our Republican and Democrat representatives in Washington, DC.

H.G. Wells, you’re a socialist-genius bastard and you didn’t even know it. Kudos.

Once the Japanese create robot maids Arnold can't impregnate...the uneducated criminal-dolts will be ready to move underground. And we'll have politicians of the Schwarzenegger mold to thank for it!