Islamic State’s ‘Blood Bucket Challenge’ fails to catch on: ‘Jihad is tough’

alBaghdadi

The ALS Associated has seen a windfall of donations come into the organization in 2014 thanks to the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” taking in close to $100 million between July 29 and September 1. Sunni radicals with the Islamic State group have tried to add their own twist to the challenge in recent weeks. Members rolled out the “Blood Bucket Challenge” and the “Head Bucket Challenge,” but with only a fraction of the success.

Agence France Presse reported Monday:

“Jihad is tough. To drive out the infidels, the kafir, the rotten Christians and Jews…these things all require money,” Islamic State’s caliph, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said Aug 30 via a press release. “Allah willing, we expect to raise $100 million before November. Simply fill a bucket with the blood of an infidel, pour it over your head to raise awareness of radical Islam, and then challenge friends, family and fellow mosque-goers to do the same. If you want to really do Sharia Law proud, then put a head in a bucket and dump it on your own head!”

In a video posted to YouTube September 1, al-Baghdadi poured a bucket of blood on his head, shivered with delight and said, “I challenge Khalid Sheik Mohammed down in Gitmo, Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary for U.K. representation, and Ayman al-Zawahiri!”

President Obama took time from his Martha’s Vineyard vacation to address the “Blood Bucket Challenge on Monday, saying that the actions of Islamic State should not be construed of having anything to do with Islam.

The Associated Press reported:

“Chopping off heads while screaming “Allahu Akbar!”, driving Christians out of land they’ve occupied for roughly 2,000 years, forcing women to wear burkas, filling buckets with blood and then raising interest in jihad by pouring them over heads … these things have nothing to do with Islam,” Mr. Obama said Monday. “When we see grown men chopping off heads, putting them in buckets, and then emptying the bucket onto their own head for charity, it is important to figure out what the root causes of their behavior might be — but it is imperative to stress that the horrific actions of the Islamic State group are in no way connected to Islam.”

When asked by reporters if alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed would be able to participate in the challenge if he wished, the president was non-committal.

“Listen,” said the president. “Obviously, we don’t have a bucket of blood to give Mr. Mohammed. However, we might be able to find some sort of humane compromise. Perhaps we can mix up some corn syrup and red food coloring into a bucket and he could symbolically take part in the challenge. That’s something that can be reasonably worked out between the lawyers down in Guantanamo Bay, the Red Cross and the international community. Circle back with White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest sometime early next week for an answer. We’ll see what we can do.”

While exact numbers are hard to come by, a spokesman for Islamic State said that $3 million has been donated to the cause. Western Civilization’s unwillingness to chop off heads in the name of Allah has severely hampered the initiative, according to Middle East experts.

A spokesman for the Islamic State group added that a request would be put in to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office sometime early next week for “Blood Bucket Challenge” and “Head Bucket Challenge” to stop competing terrorist organizations from using al-Baghdadi’s idea to make a profit.

After pulling pressure cookers, Williams-Sonoma mulls embago on forks, knives

Antique Bamboo Cheese Knife

The Boston Terror attack occurred less than a month ago, but its repercussions will go on for years. Dzhokha Tsarnaev is in custody and Tamerlan is dead — but so are sales of pressure cookers in Boston-area Williams-Sonoma stores.

Patch reports:

Williams-Sonoma, the specialty retailer of home furnishings and gourmet cookware with over 250 stores in the United States, has pulled pressure cookers from their shelves following the Boston Marathon bombing.

“It’s a temporary thing out of respect,” said Kent, who is the Store Manager of the Williams-Sonoma at the Natick Mall. He referred Patch to corporate for further questions. Williams-Sonoma also has a local branch at Legacy Place in Dedham.

Pressure cookers will still be available on the Williams-Sonoma website.

The media did not cover this story, but if responsible journalists did they would have found out that other potentially dangerous items were on the Williams-Sonoma chopping block: knives.

Your very own Doctor Bizarre did a follow up with “Kent,” and here’s what I learned:

“As much as I hate to admit it, cleavers and boning knives might have to be temporarily embargoed,” said Kent. “Wüsthof Classic Chef’s Knife as well. Sure, they run up to $200, but terrorists who care about their craft undoubtedly come to Williams-Sonoma. Heck, there was a shifty guy was came in just this weekend who bought an Antique Bamboo 4-Piece Cheese Knife Set, and I’ve been beating myself up over it ever since. He wore a baseball cap — just like the terrorists — and I think he wore a black jacket. I refuse to have blood on my hands. It’s that simple,” said Kent.

Here’s how Williams-Sonoma markets its cheese set:

Add a touch of sophisticated style to any gathering with our bamboo cheese knives and server. Use the spreader for spreading soft cheese and the fork for transferring portions to individual plates. The pronged knife is useful for breaking up hard cheeses and spearing portions, and the server slides under cheeses and appetizers for serving. Accented with nickel-plated brass tips, the polished wooden handles are crafted of bamboo, a tropical hardwood prized for its beauty and strength. The blades are made of durable stainless steel. Approx. 6 to 6 3/4” long. Hand-wash. Set of four. A Williams-Sonoma exclusive.

The more that I listen to Kent, the more I like the man. Sure, cheese sets are meant to be used on cheese, but they could add “sophisticated style” to a different kind of gathering — say ground zero for a terrorist attack? Placed inside a pressure cooker, cheese knives could cut through your liver like … cheese. And so, after much thought and deliberation I must concede that the “Kents” of the world are right. When faced with the prospect of death by religious fanatics or crazy people (or crazy religious fanatics if you’re really unlucky), I think the proper response is to cower in fear and put away the cutlery.

Years from now, when hardware stores start restricting the sale of nails and we all wear inflatable suits and helmets, we will thank Williams-Sonoma. Sure, the libertarians and the conservatives will laugh now, but like me they will see the light. I do not consider myself a liberal man — I really don’t know what I am — but I know that on this issue, the threat of upscale terrorists who buy linens and aprons from the Williams-Sonoma Monogram collection is too much to take. Liberty? Freedom? What good is freedom when you’ve been impaled by a handful of Shun Classic Paring Knives (suggested retail price of $100 – $113)?

I know not what course others may take, but as for me give me pressure cooker bans or give me death!

‘Piss Christ’ returns to NYC; ‘Piss Mohammad’ still missing

It’s official: I will be going to New York City on September 27 to see the return of … ‘Piss Christ’!

On September 27, the Edward Tyler Nahem gallery in mid-town Manhattan will host an exhibit, “Body and Spirit: Andres Serrano 1987-2012,” that features Serrano’s “Piss Christ” piece; it shows a crucifix submerged in a jar of his own urine. The exhibit ends October 26.

The taxpayer funded (in part), award-winning crucifix dipped in urine has long been on my list of “must see” attractions, up there with ‘Piss Mohammed.’ Sadly, Andres Serrano has not been able to urinate since 1987.

Given the violence in the Middle East, there are rumblings in the art community that the “courageous” Serrano might not be as courageous as he’s been made out to be. Critics argue that despite his inability to pee and refusal to use a catheter, he has made use of his own blood and semen for other pieces of “art.”

Thankfully, Serrano has broken his silence:

“My muse is stubbornly silent when it comes to Islam. I tried ‘Pubic Hair Mohammed’ and ‘Diarrhea Mohammed’ but they just didn’t speak to me on a deeper level. I keep them from the light of day not because I fear reprisal, but because I fear letting down my fans.”

The New York Times is predicting that thousands of Christians will storm the city on Friday, September 28. The FBI reports that they will be carrying rocket propelled grenades, AK-47s and molotov cocktails. The Honduran ambassador to the United States will be in New York City on that day, but as of yet no further security precautions have been taken.

Yours truly, Dr. Bizarre, will be on the scene to report on the chaos. I also plan on asking Serrano how he has not urinated for decades. His kidneys must hate him.

Terrorists to MI5 Agents: Elton John Turns Me On, Peace Be Upon Him.


Only a decade ago terrorists were flying jet planes into large metropolitan areas. The U.S. ground to a halt—literally—on 9/11. Today, Islamic terrorist organizations are so desperate for a successful operation they’re willing to allow their “holy warriors” give the “I’m the type who hopes Allah rewards me with 72 virgin sausage slaps to the face when I die,” excuse.

A new terror training manual tells Islamic extremists to lie about their sexuality if a woman approaches them in case she is a “honeytrap” spy sent by security services.

The handbook, which was uncovered by a Sunday Mirror ­investigation, says: “Many hotels – especially in busy UK cities – have women hanging around the lobby areas in order to attract men.

“A young beautiful woman may come and talk to you. The first thing you do to protect yourself from such a ­situation is to make dua (prayers) to Allah for ­steadfastness.

“The second thing is to find an excuse to get away from her that is realistic and sensible, such as you having a girlfriend for the past few years and you are loyal to her or you are ­homosexual.”

A “healthy” terrorist organization wouldn’t put up with the Lady Gagaization of its future head choppers and suicide bombers. (Although, I suppose one should ask, “What is ‘healthy’ for an organization historically considers blown up women, civilians, the elderly, and the disabled a sign of success?”) Years ago these goons were going after The Great Satan! They were going to bring down the big, bad United States of America. Today? They’ve killed scores of Muslims to take out a negligible number of U.S. troops (let’s remember that over 50,000 troops died at Gettysburg alone if you’re the type that has trouble putting things into perspective). If these guys were having any traction at all with their plans of a world-wide caliphate they’d treat honeypot agents like they do their sisters (e.g., they’d attempt to kill them). Don’t believe me? Google ‘honor killing.’

While it upsets me that Hollywood has shied away from portraying terrorists as villains in most action flicks over the past decade due to political correctness, at this point I’m starting to think they’re really not worthy of the silver screen treatment. George Bush was supposed to be creating more terrorists, but it turns out he may have left us with a bunch of unprincipled scum who are willing to rub stubble with their partner-in-jihad over the flirtatious babe in a UK hotel lobby. James Bond would have sex with the government-sanctioned sex machine and then pull his silencer when she attempted to go Black Widow on him. Today’s Agent Jihad says a prayer and then says he’s gay. Despicable.

Barack Obama was supposed to be an anti-war socialist who would lose the War on Terror and cause all progress to come crashing down before his first term was up—but the Pacifist-in-Chief took out Osama Bin Laden and turned his body into chum for the sharks! No matter how you slice it, terrorist organizations are taking it on the chin. That war in Libya that’s not supposed to be a war? Started by the guy who won the Nobel Peace Prize, baby.

And finally, since when does MI5 have honeypot-worthy agents? Everyone knows that’s what China does best. If you’re dumb enough to fall for a female agent with Austin Powers teeth and a Simon Cowell body over the Commie hotness Americans have been bedding since the Cold War, you deserve to be thrown into Gitmo or a black site prison in Eastern Europe for years on end.

I’d continue, but I think there’s a Queen video with my name on it (featuring David Bowie, no less)!

Bin Laden’s Porn Stash: Media Give a Dog…a Boner.

The revelation (or was that “propaganda”?) that Seal Team 69 found porn on Osama bin Laden’s computer is a fascinating one. The kind of porn a man watches says a lot about him. And, while the astute observer can probably say that about the way he ties his shoes or clips his toe nails, the task at hand becomes harder when the activity analyzed is more mundane. It makes no sense for “anonymous” officials to mention that the world’s Most Wanted Terrorist watched dirty movies, and then not tell us what kind he relied on to cause suicide-explosions in his pants. All those would-be terrorists, abandoned in the dirty cotton skivvies of jihadist madman instead of dispensed inside one of his multiple wives. For what?

Think about it. Did Osama fancy American-made matures? Did he have a thing for Asian teens? Was there a crotchless burka fetish we need to know about? One can almost imagine the terrorist mastermind pumping one fist in anger and one fist in ecstasy to amateurs from Los Angeles, whispering “I hate you – but I love you – America…” (a single tear rolling down his cheek). A terrorist watching American porn is almost too easy – they hate us because they lust us. They yearn for our technology and toys and movies and music, but Sharia Law forbids it. Spending years memorizing the Koran loses its luster when wiki-Koran is ultimately at your fingertips, thanks to successful infidels like Bill Gates.

On the other hand, it would be a completely different story if bin Laden was getting hog-nasty with himself to hard-core underground North Korean porn. With that, we’d have to deduce that he was jealous of Kim Jong Il, his nuclear program, and the DPRK’s status on the world stage. And, because the North Koreans have the strange little habit of killing babies born with deformities, we’d know that bin Laden had a discriminating taste for perfection.

Other questions arrive when thinking about a jihadist’s daily porn-proclivities. For instance, what constitutes group-sex for a culture that’s already okay with multiple wives? For the terrorist with a stable of spouses, does he have to see males serviced by nine women for it to be considered sperm spill-worthy? What about the perpetual suicide-vest wearing foot soldiers, always ready for the authorities to knock down the doors and end the struggle – how does it affect one’s psyche to masturbate with bombs on your chest instead of a ready supply of absorbent paper towels?

For days the media grouched and complained that the world didn’t get to see Osama bin Laden’s dead body. But they were missing the real story, which was bin Laden’s secret stash of necrophilia films.

In all seriousness, the porn story wasn’t weird. It was predictable. Instead of focusing on the more serious aspects of bin Laden’s capture the media fed us…a boner. And like that guy with the nervous twitch for his black-bagged porn fix in your neighborhood’s dingy XXX store, we bought it. We should feel ashamed. And we should feel guilty. Kind of like we feel after we masturbate.

What would it mean if Osama was beating off to North Korean porn, as opposed to XXX movies made by the decendants of Thomas Jefferson? Who cares. Keep your eyes on the big picture.