Desperate John Kerry offers Putin sexual favors in return for peace in Ukraine

The world warned Russian President Vladimir Putin to stop after he annexed Crimea. He didn’t, and went about amassing tens-of-thousands of troops just outside East Ukraine. On Thursday, U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry warned that if Russia doesn’t halt its efforts to cause instability in the region — which many see as a pretext to invasion — economic sanctions will be forthcoming. Kerry said that Mr. Putin hasn’t taken a “single step in the right direction,” but the U.S. diplomat believes that he’s found the solution for peace: sexual favors.

“What is happening in eastern Ukraine is a military operation that is well planned and organized,” Kerry said. “If Russia continues in this direction, it will not only be a grave mistake — it will be an expensive mistake,” Mr. Kerry said Thursday, Business Insider reported. However, in an off-the-record discussion to the press that was leaked late Thursday, Secretary Kerry said the following:

“Many say that those of us who sincerely believe in ‘peace at any cost’ are only bringing about that which we fear most — pain, heartache and war. I’ve seen war, and believe me, I would not wish it upon any nation. The problem with the peace movement since the 1970s has been that while we preached ‘make love, not war’ we did not practice it. We never thought outside the box because we were afraid of what others might say. We stuck to standard methods of diplomacy, holding meetings to consider the possibility of a meeting where we would agree on a possible date to discuss the date to consider further negotiations.

These meetings were often derailed because narrow minds — on both sides — seek to act in their country’s best interest. It’s hard — mighty hard — to swim against the current of internal state politics, but I believe that there is one option we have never explored: sex.

The power of sex is a universal constant. It is something we all share. It is with that in mind that I call on Vladimir Putin and his inner circle to consider this American proposal: I and members of the State Department offer ourselves up as pleasure partners for our Communist friends. Disgraceful? If the alternative is economic sanctions that hurt the Russian people — or war, which hurts everyone — then call me a disgrace. If you ask me if I’d prefer bullets, bombs, and economic sanctions, or orgasms, the answer will be orgasms every time. It would be an honor to bed President Putin if it means peace in our time.

During Kerry’s public press conference, his message for Russia was “The window to change course is closing. We are ready to act.” Those traveling with the secretary who also heard the plea to accept U.S. sexual favors in return for peace openly wondered if he was talking about sanctions during the press conference, or sending his Russian counterparts a subliminal message.

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov was asked about what he thought about Secretary Kerry’s “Love Diplomacy” on Friday. While he would not say whether Russia would seriously consider the request, an interpreter said he could be seen rubbing his chin and mouthing, “I do like a good blow job” to an unidentified official next to him.

The Brian Holloway party kids are like their parents: Pathetic

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As someone with a long history of partying, I must say that in all my years of mind-altering madness I never broke into another man’s house, stole his belongings and then refused to take responsibility for my actions. There is a reason why I fly thousands of miles away to engage in behavior that my liver and my soul lecture me about daily: I’m a gentlemen. I have some semblance of honor left in the innermost fiber of my being. I had parents who actually cared about me.

The same can not be said of many of the teenagers who ransacked former NFL star Brian Holloway’s house in late September:

About 300 teenagers are realizing they picked the wrong place to throw a wild party after breaking into a former NFL player’s second home and causing more than $20,000 in damage.

Brian Holloway, a former offensive tackle for the New England Patriots, was in Tampa, Florida, over Labor Day weekend when his son told him he was receiving tweets about a party at their home in Stephentown, New York, Holloway said. …

Holloway says parents threatened him [with legal action] after he posted pictures of their children online in an attempt to hold them accountable.

“Parents are upset with me when their child was in my house … taking drugs, using roofies and drinking, and they’re going to be upset with me?” he said in disbelief.

This week, Holloway invited the teens to be accountable and help clean up his home in preparation for a military personnel picnic planned for this weekend that up to 1,000 people are expected to attend.

Fifty volunteers showed up to clean up the home, but only one person who was there actually attended the party.

Brian Holloway had over $20,000 of damage done to his house, and then had to suffer the indignity of seeing the perpetrators brag about it online. He then set up a website, “Help Me Save 300,” to try and change the trajectory of disturbed kids who did it. As a result, the parents have threatened him with legal action. It’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World — and I’m not talking about a movie from the 1960’s.

To borrow a phrase from President Obama’s former pastor: America’s “chickens! … are coming home … to ROOST!”

It is one thing if you want to destroy your own life. If you want to turn your kidneys and liver into something resembling tomato paste, that’s fine — provided you do it on your own time and in ways that do not burden your neighbor. But it is not kosher to steal or destroy another man’s property because you’re a selfish kid whose parents never said no to him.

If you are the kind of parent who sets your kid up for failure in life, do it through the soft bigotry of low expectations. If you want your kid to be a goof or a societal skid mark in America’s underpants, turn a blind eye to their irresponsible behavior and give in to their temper tantrums as an adolescent — but at least teach them right from wrong.

I think the “Hobo with a Shotgun” said it best:

“I hate to tell you this, but if you grow up here you’re more likely to wind up selling your bodies on the streets or shooting dope from dirty needles in a bus stop. And if you’re successful, you’ll make money selling junk to crackheads. You won’t think twice about killing someone’s wife because you won’t even know it was wrong in the first place. Maybe … you’ll end up like me — a hobo with a shotgun!”

Civilization is always one generation away from extinction, and the actions (or inaction) of many of the parents connected with the Brian Holloway party kids demonstrate that point better than a cult movie ever could.

We are raising a generation of kids who were never taught right from wrong, and so they look at us with their eyes rolls backed in their head and laugh when someone tries to hold them responsible for their actions. America’s day of reckoning is on its way, and it can’t come soon enough.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date in the 4th Dimension. I plan on getting there through ways that don’t involve vandalism, theft or any other kind of behavior that would hurt my fellow man. Again, that’s because I’m sane and my parents taught me right from wrong.

Good Day,

Dr. Bizarre.

If Obama lies about the NSA on The Tonight Show and no one notices, did he really lie?

Obama Jay Leno

Do you remember when President Obama went on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and told Americans not to worry about NSA spying programs? Yes? Well, it turns out he was sort of wrong. And by sort of wrong, I mean he lied through his teeth.

WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency collected the emails of tens of thousands of Americans for three years before acknowledging the problem in 2011 and bringing it to the attention of the secret intelligence court, which ordered the program overhauled.

Officials disclosed the history of that unlawful surveillance Wednesday, releasing three partially redacted opinions of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which detailed the concerns judges had about how the NSA had been siphoning data from the Internet in an effort to collect foreign intelligence.

On The Tonight Show, Mr. Obama said our NSA programs were a “critical component” to our counter-terrorism and that “there is no spying on Americans.” He added: “None of the revelations showed that government has abused these powers.”

Question: How does reading tens-of-thousands of emails written by Americans with no connection to terror not constitute a.) spying or b.) an abuse of power?

Since when did reading your email get lumped in with the “meta data” the federal government collects as you surf the Internet?

If President Obama lies on The Tonight Show and no one notices, did he really lie?

The short answer to all of these questions is this: it doesn’t matter until 2016, because The Cult of Barack Obama is immune to any facts or figures or “inconvenient truths” that might make them rethink the “Hope and Change” hat, t-shirt, bumper sticker and sweatpants they bought in 2008 and 2012.

Here’s what does matter, though: I was right about my former NSA lover all along. When everyone else said I was just a tinfoil hat wearing guy with a blog that I returned to during random moments of sobriety, I soldiered on with the truth. And now, I’m vindicated:

The employees even had a code name for the practice – “Love-int” – meaning the gathering of intelligence on their partners.

Dianne Feinstein, a senator who chairs the Senate intelligence committee, said the NSA told her committee about a set of “isolated cases” that have occurred about once a year for the last 10 years. The spying was not within the US, and was carried out when one of the lovers was abroad.

One employee was disciplined for using the NSA’s resources to track a former spouse, the Associated Press said.

Regular readers to this blog know that I’m often abroad and, while I might not be in a state to blog, I do not cheat on my significant other. I am a serial monogamous who ingests strange substances and usually winds up in the Fourth Dimension — but never in the bed of another woman.

The moral of the story is this: Do not trust President Obama. Do not write anything in your private email you wouldn’t want some rookie at the NSA reading. And finally, do not enter into a romantic relationship with someone who works “for the government.”

Bikini mom kicked out of water park; sane people and teenage boys upset

Madelyn Sheaffer bikini Oasis Adventure
What kind of story would bring a man out of his self-imposed exile inside a Bolivian airport just to see what it would feel like to be NSA leaker Edward Snowden? Breasts. Bikini-clad breasts that were banned from Adventure Oasis Water Park in Missouri because they belonged to a mother and not a teenage girl.

Madelyn Sheaffer, 43, has made quite a bit of news since being ejected from Oasis Adventure for failing to wear “appropriate” attire. Who determines what appropriate is? The staff. The teenage staff.

Here’s what Sheaffer said on her Facebook page:

I went to the Independence, Missouri City Pool today with my 68 year old mother, 14 year old daughter, 10, 9, and 7 year old nieces and nephew. We had just arrived and I got inside the pool with the 10 and 9 year old, when two teenage female employees of the pool (the pool is ran by teenagers) came up and told me that I would need to put a cover up on as my swim suit was inappropriate. “This is a family park,” they said. “Yes, and I am a family person, I said, and am here with my family.” They said I had to cover up or leave, so I said, “What sort of discrimination is this? Is it because you think I am too old to wear a bikini, or because I look too good in one?” There were plenty of 15-18 year old girls at the park in swimsuits equally revealing as mine. This was not a thong. It was a standard, summertime, two piece, string bikini. The same as everyone else, who felt confident enough in their body to wear one. This is summertime… This is a swimming pool… “Well I am not covering up, I said, and if you expect me to leave, you had better call the police and have them escort me out. Fifteen minutes later the police did arrive, and said that while they did not agree, they had to do their job. “We can’t actually say anything,” they said as we walked outside, (as it is a city owned park), ..but I hope from the expressions on our face you can tell how we feel.” They were compassionate. They too, thought it was ridiculous.

Since this is a bizarre case, it requires a bizarre guy to break it down.

Madelyn Sheaffer is a beautiful woman. She’s a beautiful woman who just so happens to have breasts that remind men of kind of luxurious pillows you’d find at a Napa Valley bed and breakfast before a fun-filled jaunt through wine country. For a teenage boy? It’s the kind of thing that would fry his brain because no teenage boy will pay a teenage girl a second thought when a woman of Ms. Sheaffer’s stature is within range. And so … she must be ejected from the facilities.

Given America’s problem with obesity, it’s a good bet that most of the moms at Oasis Adventure Water Park were covered up not because they wanted to be “family friendly,” but because years of McDonald’s and Burger King hamburgers had ravaged their butt and belly, obscuring large breasts with body parts that were equally plump. It doesn’t count if you have big boobs if your belly extends beyond them.

If Ms. Sheaffer were to bring a lawsuit against the Water Park, it seems as though the case would be in her favor. She wore a swimsuit to … a swim park. It wasn’t particularly small, and she can’t help it if she has big breasts. She also can’t help it if teenage girls are jealous of her body or if fat customers want her to wear a swimsuit-burka.

The only downside to a lawsuit brought by Ms. Sheaffer would be that she might be found guilty of being a hot mom.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to the confines of my Bolivian airport. I think President Evo Morales is speaking about the time President Obama managed to get allied countries to forcibly search his plane for Edward Snowden … and no one else was on board. For some reason I haven’t heard the American media talk too much about that one. I wonder why.

Next up in Seattle: Taxing sex due to increased respiration, C02 output?

Who knew environmentalists were cannibals. They’re now eating each other in Seattle, so to speak.

One would think that the endangered species known as the Republican in the region would be a bit more sane when it comes to environmental moon-battery, but alas … tis not the case.

State Rep. Ed. Orcutt recently entertained the idea of taxing bicyclists because they emit more CO2 when they’re out on the road.

Representative Ed Orcutt (R – Kalama) does not think bicycling is environmentally friendly because the activity causes cyclists to have “an increased heart rate and respiration.” …

“You can’t just say that there’s no pollution as a result of riding a bicycle.”

Mr. Orcutt then followed up with the community to acknowledge how scientifically bankrupt his point was, but that bicyclists should pay for the bikes-only road improvements they desire.

“[O]ne aspect of the Democrat tax plan that has merit is their proposed $25.00 tax on the purchase of any bicycle $500.00 or more. I am willing to consider this because I’ve heard requests from members of the bicycle community that they want more money for bicycle infrastructure. The idea of bicyclists paying for some of the infrastructure they are using is one which merits consideration.”

So Democrats in Washington want to tax Democrat-cyclists more for roads that they already pay for … and Republicans in Washington want to go along with it because they hope people are dumb enough to fall for it, and because exercise increases CO2 output. (Or not on the CO2 thing because people weren’t quite that stupid — this time.)

One way to cut C02 emissions would be to kill us all, which may be an option for politicians somewhere down the line. In the near future, perhaps you’ll be charged a tax every time you have sex, because that increases your respiration rate, and thus C02. Politicians can install cameras in our homes and watch the bedroom cams until people have sex, at which time they will ring up another green tax.

In all seriousness though, as much as I like bizarre news, this story out of Seattle is just depressing. While I don’t mind paying taxes for any number of things, and I’ll sit idly by as I’m taxed for ideas I find preposterous, eventually a culture reaches the point of no return. I have a feeling that the officials in Seattle would pass a law that would allow them to cavity search a man if they thought he was holding out on them for a “pedestrian tax” or a “coughing-fit tax” (we all get sick from time-to-time, and thus expel more CO2).

I propose a progressive stupid-tax to pay for Seattle’s roads. The dumber you are, the more you must pay. Politicians would inevitably bearing the brunt of the load.

Today it’s 3D rifles, tomorrow — our clones

If you haven’t heard about 3D printing, you will. It’s an amazing technology, but it’s starting to scare people, particularly those concerned with gun control:

Thingiverse is an online community for 3D printers to share ideas and blueprints of various objects people can create at home. It’s a neat place to learn more about getting creative with your 3D printer… that is until Thingiverse user HaveBlue declared that he has completed a project that could print a working semi-automatic rifle capable of firing at least 200 rounds without fail.

According to Popular Science, HaveBlue 3D-printed a 0.22 caliber pistol which he adapted from an AR-15 rifle model. The item only cost him $30 worth of ABS plastic to complete. Though the prototype works, HaveBlue states that more modifications are still necessary thanks to existing feed and extraction issues. But the fact that anyone could download the blueprint and attempt to create their own weapon at home makes us more than a little nervous.

Eventually, we’ll have 3D printers that will use organic tissue to build hearts and arms and kidneys and all sorts of good things. People will undoubtedly take the technology for granted, drink until their liver is one big piece of scar tissue, and then have their doctor print a new one using adult stem cells. Regardless, right now we get hammers and nails and fully functioning firearms.

What’s it mean, besides the fact that guys like me will soon be printing out an armory of weapons just for the heck of it? Well, it means that there will be a lot of people overreacting. They’ll try and keep the technology out of our hands because certain segments of the population will misuse it — and that’s sad because humans have been misusing technology since its inception. The most important thing to do as we move forward will to craft laws that respect and safeguard freedom and liberty for future generations, and then hold people accountable who break those laws.

With 3D printing technology, some people will build cars and the auto industry will not be happy. Some people will make clothes. Star Wars nerds will make armies of action figure storm troopers. (Finally.) On a long enough timeline, others will make clones of themselves in their basement — and I won’t even attempt to ruminate on the weird things law enforcement agencies will run across.

I say all of this because critics of 3D printing technology who focus on handguns are incredibly myopic. Their imagination is almost non-existent because the capacity for this technology to do amazing — and horrible — things far exceeds the 2nd Amendment.

As the future begins to get bizarre, I can only hope that as a society we spend less time crafting laws to moderate behavior, and more time teaching people to be upstanding citizens.

Question: In a world where you can print out a new body for yourself on demand, how useful are biological, chemical and nuclear weapons? When genetic engineering becomes so advanced as to relegate physical death to a choice (or an extremely unfortunate accident), will we finally be able to stop acting like kids and turn our attention to outer space — the final frontier? I hope so.

We run with the bulls because we’re dumber than the bulls

I write to you from beautiful Pamplona, where the annual San Fermin Festival got underway with a bang (literally). And yes, I am wearing a white shirt, white pants and a red kerchief. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then Google it, and then have someone smack you because willful ignorance is embarrassing.

I’ve gone to the “running of the bulls” for years, but never as an active participant. I’ve never had the hot breath of an angry bull bearing down on me, or the cheers of a crowd propelling me forward. Why would I, when there are girls, girls, girls and wine and revelry and everything in between?

Regardless, life isn’t about being a spectator; it’s about getting in the mix and risking it all for the wild ride. And so, months ago I started training for the run in the suburbs of Northern Virginia. There’s a monstrous hill just outside Arlington where I have been training on a regular basis, wearing the exact same outfit I wear today. The neighbors have never bothered to pay me much attention, opting instead to stare out their windows as curious observers.

In order to outrun bulls I first had able to run respectfully, something I haven’t done on a consistent basis for years. I hired three poor college kids and three day laborers apiece to meet me each Saturday. They were expected to show up at the top of our designated hill wearing anything they wanted, provide it was bullish brown. My specific instructions were to give me a 20 second head start down my 800m hill, at which time they were to try catch and pummel me with an object of their choice. The only stipulation? It could be no bigger than a pair of horns.

On many weekends my wild-eyes and banshee yells as I sprinted ahead of my pursuers culminated with a small town cop asking questions at the bottom of the hill.  No one inquired into the immigration status of the day laborers, although oddly enough I was (for all intents and purposes) questioned about any romantic relationships I might have with the strapping young college lads. Trumped up charges never stuck, and the next weekend we were back at it.

And so I ran this weekend. In Spain. And not once along the way did I think, “Why the hell am I doing this to these poor animals?” because the answer was obvious — the throng of us were, at least on this weekend, dumber than the bulls.

When is the last time you saw a bull get plastered on sludge wine, pass out and then wake up having wet his pants on a park bench five miles from his hotel? The answer: Never. And I’m not just saying that because bulls can’t make hotel reservations. Or drink. Or fit on a park bench or wear skinny jeans. Although it would be a more interesting world if they did…

I have some serious thinking to do. Right after another bottle of wine.