Obama pushes for Islamic State Relief Act; $1B jobs bill would train jihadis for new career

ISILState Department spokeswoman Marie Harf made waves Feb. 17 when she said that members of Islamic State were drawn to the terrorist organization due to a dearth of jobs. The Obama administration made it clear Monday that she did not misspeak: White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that Mr. Obama is urging members of Congress to draw up the “Islamic State Relief Act” (ISRA), a $1 billion jobs bill that would give jihadis a chance to change career paths.

“When the president hears ‘Allahu Akbar!’ during Islamic State propaganda videos, he hears something entirely different than most people. He doesn’t hear ‘God is the greatest!’ — he hears “Where are the jobs?” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said Monday, The Associated Press reported. “‘Jihad’ means ‘struggle.’ When the president hears ‘jihad,’ he knows that the struggle is real for high-paying, respectable jobs. Men don’t chop off heads because of some sick attempt to reconstitute the Islamic empires of old — they chop off heads because they’re not killing sales records at the local car dealership,” he added.

Mr. Earnest’s brief overview of what the president is looking for with ISRA made it clear that it would be safe for U.S. sleeper cells to “come out of the shadows” if they wanted to take advantage of educational opportunities. The president faces stiff opposition with Republicans in control of both the House and Senate.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said Monday that he did receive a brief phone call from the president, but that the two are oceans apart on what final passage of ISRA should look like.

“I can’t help but think that the president’s misreading of the threat posed by Islamic radicals has passed the point of satire and swung around the globe to a place that is wholly absurd,” the Ohio Republican said. “He’s gone from not calling the Islamic State group Islamic, to saying that job creation will curb recruitment, to finally pushing Congress for a $1 billion jobs bill — primarily for enemies, both foreign and domestic. Someone get me a bottle of antacid pills.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was quick to respond that the U.S. does distribute aid packages to foreign countries. While it would be a first to grant taxpayer dollars to terrorist organizations, lawyers at the Department of Justice assured the president that air-tight constitutional wording for ISRA exists — they just need to find it.

“There will be critics of this bill,” Mr. Earnest said, AP reported, “But 20 years from now, when a former Islamic State terrorist is standing behind this very microphone, thanks to the president’s jobs bill, who will you thank — the Republicans who fought the president every step of the way, or Mr. Obama?”

Foreign fighters in Raqqa, Syria said they would be open to taking advantage of the president’s plan, provided that classes on beheading and slavery were not prohibited. They added that professors should under no circumstances be women, Jews, or gay men.

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Leonardo DiCaprio: How come the 987th woman I slept with was just like 543rd?

Leonardo DiCaprioRegular readers to this blog know that I am anything but a regular writer, in part because I live a life along the lines of Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Booze…women…drugs…women, and parties. It’s hard to blog on a regular basis when you’re finding your way back from the fourth dimension after smoking strange things with strangers in Argentina. Regardless, I feel it is time to disclose something for my jealous friends out there — psychologically, cocaine can be no different than a vagina.

New York Magazine recently reported:

Leonardo DiCaprio, noted community organizer, successfully gathered up a group of nearly two dozen women to depart a Miami nightclub to an unknown but certainly superior location. The witness reported:

“He left with 20 girls. Leo and 20 girls. He is my hero. He was overflowing with models everywhere. The Jonas brother looked scared, like he was going to drown and suffocate in the women. His face was hilarious.”

The New York Post also reported:

Leonardo DiCaprio partied like a rock star with a host of celebs and models at a $28,000-a-night luxury villa in St. Barts over New Year’s.

The actor and his friends, 1Oak owner Richie Akiva, art dealer Joe Nahmad, electric race-car team co-owner Bert Hedaya and restaurant guru Maggio Cipriani, rented the famed Villa Rockstar at the Eden Rock hotel, where they stayed for a number of days before they threw a lavish New Year’s party.

The “Eyes Wide Shut” lifestyle of Mr. DiCaprio may seem alluring (and I admit, it is quite the experience to spend days locked up in a sprawling estate with disease-free loose women), but one must be careful what they wish for — it may come true.

Once you have two girls at once, then you need to have three. Once you have three, then you must have four. Once the numbers get too much for one man, then there needs to be male company — and that’s when things get weird. Really weird. Bizarre.

Dear reader, it may sound like I have a wonderful life, but I assure you this: I am miserable.

At some point the man of 1,000 women (and a dozen men) must admit to himself that he does not seduce seas of women (and puddles of penis) because he is dashing — he seduces because he is incapable of having a meaningful relationship that goes deeper than the flesh.

Do I inject myself full of all sorts of strange substances because I am a free man, or because I am a slave to my own passions? Do I surround myself with the skin of morally bankrupt beauties because it is liberating to do so, or because I am spiritually suffocating? The answer, I hope, is obvious.

No matter how many women I fill up with my sex organs, I always feel empty. No matter how often I pump myself full of hallucinogens, reality always sets in. No matter how many gadgets and gizmos litter my home, I convince myself that I need more.

Don’t be like me, dear reader. Think about my wild nights and fantasize about what it may be like to experience such madness, but do not dabble your foot in the devil’s waters if you can resist; a toe is all he needs to pull you under.

Wishing you the best from a deep, dark place,

Doctor Bizarre

Topless feminists try to win friends at Vatican protest by sticking crucifixes up their butts

Femen Vatican protestFeminism has been on a roll in November. Not only did feminist activists think it would be wise to attack the guy who is largely responsible for landing a space probe on a comet traveling 41,000 mph, but they also decided to try and make friends by sticking crucifixes in their butts to protest the Pope’s upcoming visit to the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

RT.com reported Nov. 14:

The topless protest group Femen have taken their brash form of activism to shockingly new heights (or depths), simulating anal sex with crucifixes outside the Vatican to protest the Pope’s alleged meddling in politics.

The three women pulled of their stunt on St. Peter’s Square, the enormous plaza located right in front of St. Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican City.

Two of them had “Keep it Inside” scrawled across their backs, an apparent reference to their anger that the Pope’s activities extend beyond the tiny papal enclave in Rome.

The trio, decked out in nothing but black ankle boots, leather miniskirts, and flower garlands in their hair, dropped to all fours and began simulating a lewd act with the crucifixes.

Given that the world has over 1.1 billion Catholics — and Pope Francis is the head of the Catholic Church — it seems as though it is entirely appropriate for world leaders to meet with him. It does seem just a bit inappropriate, however, for women to go topless on city streets, scrawl messages on their bodies in black marker, and shove crucifixes into their butts.

Perhaps even stranger is the fact that Femen promotes the organization as one that yearns to hack testicles with sickles and hold them up triumphantly — all while simultaneously telling average Europeans that the the pope is a threat to freedom.

Femen landing pageIronically, Femen has a lot in common with the Shakers from the 1700s. The shakers were celibate and died off, while pro-choice Femen members want nothing to do with men. My money is on the baby-makers to outlast the group that weirdly encourages women to grow into old, angry, and lonely souls whose crowning achievement in life will boil down to: “We got to stick crucifixes up our butts.”

DCCC: Republicans responsible for Ebola — but also original sin, diarrhea, and Elephantitis

DCCC Ebola adDCCC blames GOP for EbolaThe Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and a liberal nonprofit organization named The Agenda Project Action Fund have blamed the Republican Party for the spread of Ebola in the U.S., but the American people haven’t bought it. Neither has The Washington Post, which called the claims “absurd.” Now, Democrats have launched a new trial balloon: Republicans are responsible for original sin, and by extension death and any number of other maladies.

In an interview with MSNBC’s Morning Joe crew on Thursday, DCCC Chairman Steve Israel blamed the “original Republicans, Adam and Eve,” for the fall of humanity and its banishment from the Garden of Eden.

Mr. Israel told Mika Brzezinski:

“Death rides a pale horse, but it wouldn’t be that way if the original Republicans, Adam and Eve, hadn’t rebelled against God. Yes, the American people are being led to believe that Ebola spreads because West Africans eating bushmeat continue to deny the existence of Ebola even as their friends and family die gruesome, painful deaths. They’ve been led to believe that CDC officials who tell Dallas hospital employees to hop aboard airplanes (even when they’re suffering from suspicious fevers) may need to be held accountable — but it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

The GOP brought on Ebola. Nay, they may have even invented it! But they also bit from the apple that is the cause of all modern-day pestilence, disease, decay and ultimately death. Voters need to hold them accountable in three weeks.

Joe Scarborough was skeptical of the claim, although he said he would ultimately reserve judgment until Fact Checkers at with PolitiFact weighed in before the weekend.

“Joe, I’m telling you, I have this on good authority. The same religious scholars who assure me God that is totally cool with killing babies in the womb while calling it ‘choice’ have presented me with incontrovertible evidence that Adam and Eve were, whether we like it or not, Republicans.”

The MSNBC panel looked around astounded, when finally its host broke the stunned silence.

“If this is true, this is going to be a game-changer,” said Mr. Scarborough. “Keep me updated.”

A spokesman for the DCCC said that it would be putting out a list of all the ailments Republicans are responsible for within days. A partial list released to the media includes:

  • Diarrhea
  • Gout
  • Cancer
  • Malaria
  • Elephantitis
  • Scabies
  • Infidelity
  • Halitosis
  • Menopause
  • Tooth decay

When asked for proof of the above claims, the DCCC spokesman simply told The Associated Press: “The proof is in the pudding, boys. They proof…is in…the pudding.”

Islamic State’s ‘Blood Bucket Challenge’ fails to catch on: ‘Jihad is tough’

alBaghdadi

The ALS Associated has seen a windfall of donations come into the organization in 2014 thanks to the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” taking in close to $100 million between July 29 and September 1. Sunni radicals with the Islamic State group have tried to add their own twist to the challenge in recent weeks. Members rolled out the “Blood Bucket Challenge” and the “Head Bucket Challenge,” but with only a fraction of the success.

Agence France Presse reported Monday:

“Jihad is tough. To drive out the infidels, the kafir, the rotten Christians and Jews…these things all require money,” Islamic State’s caliph, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said Aug 30 via a press release. “Allah willing, we expect to raise $100 million before November. Simply fill a bucket with the blood of an infidel, pour it over your head to raise awareness of radical Islam, and then challenge friends, family and fellow mosque-goers to do the same. If you want to really do Sharia Law proud, then put a head in a bucket and dump it on your own head!”

In a video posted to YouTube September 1, al-Baghdadi poured a bucket of blood on his head, shivered with delight and said, “I challenge Khalid Sheik Mohammed down in Gitmo, Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary for U.K. representation, and Ayman al-Zawahiri!”

President Obama took time from his Martha’s Vineyard vacation to address the “Blood Bucket Challenge on Monday, saying that the actions of Islamic State should not be construed of having anything to do with Islam.

The Associated Press reported:

“Chopping off heads while screaming “Allahu Akbar!”, driving Christians out of land they’ve occupied for roughly 2,000 years, forcing women to wear burkas, filling buckets with blood and then raising interest in jihad by pouring them over heads … these things have nothing to do with Islam,” Mr. Obama said Monday. “When we see grown men chopping off heads, putting them in buckets, and then emptying the bucket onto their own head for charity, it is important to figure out what the root causes of their behavior might be — but it is imperative to stress that the horrific actions of the Islamic State group are in no way connected to Islam.”

When asked by reporters if alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed would be able to participate in the challenge if he wished, the president was non-committal.

“Listen,” said the president. “Obviously, we don’t have a bucket of blood to give Mr. Mohammed. However, we might be able to find some sort of humane compromise. Perhaps we can mix up some corn syrup and red food coloring into a bucket and he could symbolically take part in the challenge. That’s something that can be reasonably worked out between the lawyers down in Guantanamo Bay, the Red Cross and the international community. Circle back with White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest sometime early next week for an answer. We’ll see what we can do.”

While exact numbers are hard to come by, a spokesman for Islamic State said that $3 million has been donated to the cause. Western Civilization’s unwillingness to chop off heads in the name of Allah has severely hampered the initiative, according to Middle East experts.

A spokesman for the Islamic State group added that a request would be put in to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office sometime early next week for “Blood Bucket Challenge” and “Head Bucket Challenge” to stop competing terrorist organizations from using al-Baghdadi’s idea to make a profit.

Obama to call Islamic terrorists ‘Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles’

Obama RG

For years the Obama administration has gone out of its way to avoid using terms like “Islamic extremist” or “Muslim terrorist.” The word ‘jihad’ is rarely, if ever, used in public pronouncements by the State Department. And perhaps the most striking example of the White House’s attempt to mind-wipe any notion that terrorism committed in the name of Islam has anything whatsoever to do with the religion came from former Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Speaking to the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee in 2009, she said:

The overriding and urgent mission of the United States Department of Homeland Security is contained in the name of the agency itself. To secure the homeland means to protect our nation’s borders by finding and killing the roots of terrorism and to stop those who intend to hurt us; to wisely enforce the rule of law at our borders; to protect our national cyber infrastructure; and to prepare for and respond to natural and man-caused disasters with speed, skill, compassion, and effectiveness.

With the emergence of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the Obama administration has determined that “man-caused-disasters” is not going to cut it anymore. With the news that Christians in Mosul have fled after being told to convert to Islam or die, the president held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday to address the matter.

“Greetings, my fellow Americans. In 2011 I oversaw the exit of all U.S. military personnel from Iraq and ended a war that took the lives of over 4,000 of our most courageous men and women. At the time I knew that challenges would remain for the fragile Iraqi government, just as any nation that has wrestled itself out from under the thumb of a brutal dictator faces dark and difficult days. However, I was confident Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and the Iraqi government were up to the task.

The past few months have shown that the threat posed by Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles is ongoing and real, which is why I affirm the U.S. commitment to ending fundamentalist tiddle-taddle wherever it may rear its ugly head.

Ultimately, the U.S. can not rid Iraq of its fuzzy problem, but the military advisers I have sent to the region will work hand-in-hand with Sunni and Shiite Iraqi security forces to ensure that violence in the name of wuzzy is mitigated and peace restored to a region with its best days still ahead.

Thank you.”

CNN’s Chief International Correspondent Christiane Amanpour took Mr. Obama’s cue and ran with it immediately after the broadcast, saying “Polls show that the American people have tired of the president’s speeches, but I must say that this was in many ways a return to form. If Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles thought Mr. Obama was soft on fuzzy, they’ll need to think again. Back to you, Wolf.”

Islamic State

Harry Reid: Koch brothers are pro-life because they kidnap and eat live babies

Reid AP

On May 7, 2014, Democratic Senator Harry Reid of Nevada made the claim that the Koch Brothers are one of the “main causes” of Climate Change.

“While the Koch brothers admit to not being experts on the matter, these billionaire oil tycoons are certainly experts at contributing to climate change. That’s what they do very well. They are one of the main causes of this. Not a cause, one of the main causes.” – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.), floor speech, May 7, 2014

The Washington Post gave this claim three “Pinocchios.” The paper — no friend to conservatives — also noted that the private citizens seems to be bogeymen for the Democratic Party after Mr. Reid called them “un-American” on the Senate floor, in addition to claiming that “all” horror stories about Obamacare are “untrue” — tall tales cooked up by the Koch brothers. And, speaking of cooked, Sen. Reid is back with another charge — the Koch brothers are pro-life because they eat live babies.

Speaking at a fundraiser hosted by Reid donor and billionaire casino owner Sheldon Adelson on Saturday night (see Jon Stewart’s commentary on the history between the two), the senator said:

On Aug 2, 2012, I said ““The word’s out that he [Romney] hasn’t paid any taxes for 10 years,” and the Washington Post gave me four “Pinocchios,” for the claim. The paper thought I was reckless for saying a “source” told me that it was true and that “a number of people” (all unnamed) verified it. Conservative bloggers made jokes about “sources” that told them I had a pederasty problem. Well, I’m here to tell you that the real problem is the Koch brothers and that my same reliable sources have told me that they are pro-life because they and their henchmen running American for Prosperity have a voracious appetite for live babies.

Make no mistake — this is no Jonathan Swift satire. This is real, because we know for a fact that the Koch brothers are behind Global Warming, Climate Change, Climate Disruption and all the hurricanes and hot weather and cold weather and unseasonably mild weather that comes along with it.

The FBI had over 660,000 missing persons cases filed with the National Crime Information Center in 2012. And do you know why the majority of those missing persons went missing to begin with? The Koch brothers.

This is not petty politics. This is not pitting American against American. This is not divide and conquer. This is real, which is why I ask you to chip in whatever disposable income you have to my reelection campaign, the coffers of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and all of our allies on the left side of the political spectrum. I ask you to join with me, my billion friend Sheldon Adelson, billionaires like George Soros and Hollywood millionaires like George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, and Harvey Weinstein as we take on the corrupt baby-eating money of the Koch brothers.

After word of the baby-eating Koch brothers charge made its way to Twitter and other social media platforms, reporters for The Washington Post reached out to Sen. Reid’s chief of staff, David Krone, who said:

“It’s been an open secret in Washington, D.C. for years that the Koch brothers eat kidnapped babies, and that they eat them with foie gras. It’s time for the American people to know the truth, and Sen. Reid stepped up to the plate. You want names? I’d tell you, but the Koch brothers might make those patriotic whistle blowers disappear. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Sen. Reid is scheduled to speak at Spring Valley Hospital Medical Center in Las Vegas in Monday. News outlets have been informed that the senator will connect the Koch brothers with the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS) is viral respiratory illness, as well as other infectious diseases.