Bankers Care: Titans To Employ Scullions In Personal Homes

The Occupy Wall Street movement has some kinks to work out, to be sure. Recently I interviewed a man named Busta, who was targeting the adult film industry. (He might be the 1% of the 99% percent.)

Today, I’d like to concentrate on the bankers, or perhaps the 1% of the 1%. Recently, I talked with a titan of business named Edward T Bottomhouse III. He refused to tell me which institution he worked for, but he did seem quite miffed when I brought up Bank of America’s recent backpedaling over a five dollar surcharge for all debit and credit transactions. Here now, is my interview:

Dr. Bizarre: Thanks for agreeing to this interview, Edward. It’s been tough to get financiers to speak with me. No one wants to go on the record and discuss what’s going on with the Occupy movement, and the culpability that men like yourself might have in creating the rotten conditions that spawned it.

Bottomhouse III: No problem, B. I can call you ‘B’, right? I hope so, because I’m not going to remember your name… Anyway, if you want to grill me on credit default swaps, sub-prime mortgages, and derivatives I can handle it. Your average American turned to guys like me because we were considered “experts.” We gave them a lot of mumbo-jumbo about what they could do and what they had to do—told them it would all work out in the end—had them sign a few dozen pages filled with legal jargon, and they signed it. Now, whose fault is that? Mine? *laughing* Get real.

Dr. Bizarre: Well, actually, yes. Sort of.

Bottomhouse III: Whatever happened to personal responsibility? I thought this was the good old U.S. of A. Listen B, we can spend all day talking about that stuff, but then we’d be just like those Occupy guys wasting time. I’d rather talk about what I’m doing in my personal life to make amends.

Dr. Bizarre: Sure.

Bottomhouse III: One word: Scullions. Well, make that four: “Scullions and Scullery Maids.” What do you think?

Dr. Bizarre: You’re talking about house cleaners?

Bottomhouse III: No B, I’m talking about going back to a time when income inequality wasn’t nearly what it was today. I’m turning the clock back to a fairer time and place, B. I’m doing it by bringing back a job anyone who can do. A respectable job. A job that builds character, but (and I do mean “butt”), with a modern twist.

Dr. Bizarre: Do tell.

Bottomhouse III: Chamber pots.

Dr. Bizarre: Fascinating.

Bottomhouse III: Long story short, the scullion is invited into my home. He becomes like one of my family, so in some sense he becomes part of the 1%. The only difference is, he has to empty out my chamber pots. I work long hours, so when I crash for the night I really crash. I don’t have time to waste energy going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. So, I hire a modern day scullion to wait by my bedside and empty out the pot. Some nights I’ll be so tired that I won’t even use the pot—I’ll just let it flow. He’ll be equipped with a spray bottle, some baby wipes, and clean sheets. I can roll off to the side and he can strip and replace the sheets without me ever getting off the bed!

Dr. Bizarre: Any other perks?

Bottomhouse III: Well, the great thing about this job is it doesn’t require a fancy degree. No college loan debt is required. I’m just looking for a go-getter who will get going when I get going—literally. I make a mess and they clean it up. It’s that simple.

Dr. Bizarre: Sort of like the bailouts!

Bottomhouse III: Exactly! Errrm, I think.

Dr. Bizarre: Well, this interview has been extremely enlightening. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled that an esteemed man such as yourself took time out of his busy schedule to explain some of the small steps you’re taking to rebuilt trust between the classes.

In a few months I might circle back with Edward Bottomhouse III to see how it’s all working out. Or, perhaps I’ll interview one of his scullions. Regardless, the Occupy Movement and the catalyst for its creation is a complex one. I’m confident that the truth, like a good bowel movement, will work its way out in the end.