Happy Independence Day. Congrats: We’re Not New Zealand.

In New Zealand they have food festivals where men and women down horse semen shots. Americans like Roy Rogers would never pull Trigger's trigger and take a shot. Conservative and Liberal think tanks are lacking in their scholarly research on whether or not a nation of horse-semen swallowers can govern themselves.

It’s the Fourth of July, which means it’s time to reflect on what it means to be an American. I went to the premier liberal and conservative think tanks, Brookings and Heritage, to see what scholarly thoughts they were dishing up. I left out libertarian Cato because I figured they were all doing drugs this weekend.

Both organizations covered today in their own unique way, but I must admit that they jointly missed out on the key point: We’re not New Zealand. Yet. And by that I mean that our women aren’t “flocking” to do horse-semen shots. What does it say about a nation where the men are so impotent that the women have to turn to another species’ sperm to get their kicks? I haven’t read up on The Federalist Papers in awhile, but I believe Federalist 69 states that once a nation’s sexual perversions fall outside “the people”, it can no longer be governed by “the people” and must be abolished. One of the dangers our Founders warned us about was that a strong federal government composed of horse-semen swallowers would impose its warped views on the rest of us. I’m paraphrasing Jefferson, who said, “Slaves to the horse-semen will make slaves of us all,” (which is interesting, as he did not free his slaves when he passed away…) On this Independence Day, let us thank the Lord that as of now we are only prone to electing scrotum-sharing sexy-talkers like Antony Weiner and house-maid impregnators like “The Governator” Arnold Schwarzenegger.

But I digress. Back to the subject at hand. I went to The Heritage Foundation’s home page and found a nice piece up, most notably the following paragraph:

The structure of the Declaration of Independence is that of a common law legal document. The ringing phrases of the document’s famous second paragraph are a powerful synthesis of American constitutional and republican government theories. All men have a right to liberty only in so far as they are by nature equal, which is to say none are naturally superior, and deserve to rule, or inferior, and deserve to be ruled. Because men are endowed with these rights, the rights are unalienable, which means that they cannot be given up or taken away. And because individuals equally possess these rights, governments derive their just powers from the consent of those governed. The purpose of government is to secure these fundamental rights and, although prudence tells us that governments should not be changed for trivial reasons, the people retain the right to alter or abolish government when it becomes destructive of these ends.

Liberal or Conservative, I find the above passage hard to argue with. It’s a great message, and one that should be intellectually beaten into the mushy heads of teenagers everywhere. Again, we are always one generation away from becoming a nation of horse-sperm fiends; it’s imperative that we teach our children what makes America such a special place.

I also went to Brookings’ home page. There I found an article from June 27th on the misguided decision by the Obama administration to tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. There were a few other articles from late June, but nothing set aside to mark Independence Day. I attribute this not to a lack of caring on our liberal friends’ part, but perhaps due to caring too much! My bet is that they’ve been partying it up since before the 4th, since liberals have a strong record of throwing incredibly kick ass parties (They don’t invite crusty old white men and women who shop at Talbots to their throw downs).

Regardless of your political affiliation, I hope you take a step back and think about the freedoms and liberties you have as an American. Raise a glass and make a toast to our Founding Fathers, as well as those who fought (and those who continue to fight) so that we might live free. Just keep your hands off animals. Let’s leave that to the women of New Zealand.


Dr. Bizarre