Gap Inc. to roll out obese mannequins to 36 percent of stores nationwide


Gap Inc. thinks it’s about time the popular clothing company catered to a population that it will depend on for the bulk of its future sales — the obese.

Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Gap Inc., Glenn Murphy, held a press conference on Monday and announced that by the end of 2014, 36 percent of its stores will include obese mannequins.

“This is a big day for Gap Inc. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes than one-third of all U.S. adults are obese. And, while Gap. Inc. knows that obesity can lead to disease, stroke, type 2 diabetes and certain types of cancer, we also know that obese people need to be clothed. That is why we are rolling out line of mannequins, so that customers can get a better idea of what clothes will look best on them.”

For the past year Gap Inc. has also considered having live obese models in store windows, who would slouch on couches while playing XBox and eating potato chips. They ditched the idea when surveys found that the move would stir zoological emotions instead of appreciation for its fashion sensitivity.

“For far too long Gap Inc. has tailored its brand to fit stylish young professionals and gay men with tight taut bodies — but America is changing. Fewer people are working and gay men are softer around the edges. These days, when people don’t work, they eat and drink. McDonalds. Burger King. Wendy’s. Coke. Pepsi. Mountain Dew. And so, Gap. Inc. will make cheaper clothes for the carb-loaded customer of tomorrow.”

Food activists, including those working closely with First Lady Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign blasted the decision, even going so far as to float the idea that Mr. Murphy — who spent 14-years with Loblaw Companies Ltd, Canada’s largest food distributor and supermarket chain —was working with “Big Soda” to exacerbate America’s weight problem.

“This stinks to high Heaven,” said a staffer with Let’s Move, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of retribution. When obese mannequins start showing up in Banana Republic, you know the food industry and its lobbyists are in complete control.


Ryan’s rock hard abs lose Romney a big voting bloc: Fatties

Congressman Paul Ryan maintains 6-8 percent body fat by doing P90X. By doing so, he has lost the fat vote to President Obama.

You’ve heard pundits on both sides of the ideological divide discuss why Mitt Romney’s decision to pick Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., was either the greatest move of his campaign, or the proverbial nail in the coffin. Conventional wisdom says that really old people living high on the hog in Florida will not want to take a chance on a politician who says cuts to Medicare won’t affect them. Personally, I think conventional wisdom has a spottier track record than most people want to acknowledge, but that’s besides the point. If Mitt Romney loses in November it will because of one voting block: The fatties.

By now everyone knows that Paul Ryan has abs like an action hero. He does the infamous P90X — but he really does it — as in, he’s not one of those people who bought the product, tried it for a few days, and then went back to his normal routine. The man is living proof that if you put your ass through the wringer … you’ll have a nice ass. This does not sit well with fat people, particularly during the height of an “obesity epidemic.”

Before continuing on, in full disclosure I must admit: In an attempt to contract the obesity virus that plagues the nation, I have bedded more overweight women than I would like to admit. Some of them even coughed and sneezed on me during my experiments, and yet I still maintain a weight the federal government has deemed healthy. While I have not been able to contract any form of fat virus, I yield to the experts’ advice — and apparently my own eyes. There are a lot of fat people out there.

And so, it is my assumption that the nation is not ready to have a serious conversation about its gluttony. Every time Paul Ryan appears on television his chiseled physique reminds us that self-discipline, restraint and hard work can have an amazing effect on the body. Sure, he seems like a gregarious guy, but underneath that smile and taut, tight skin is a fat man, crushed to death under pounds of muscle.

Paul Ryan wants to starve the poor just like he starved his inner fat man. He wants people to work just like he works his abs and gluts, quads, hamstrings, back, biceps and triceps. That may sound good, but it’s bad news to people who really, really, really enjoy eating.

War on women? War on minorities? War on gay people? Why debate any of that when Paul Ryan’s war on fat people is the firefight that will determine the outcome of the election.

A nation that willingly strives to give itself Type II Diabetes will not allow a fitness buff like Congressman Paul Ryan to reform Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. If President Obama is re-elected, Democrats will have one constituency to thank, and one constituency only: The Constituency of Fat.