DCCC: Republicans responsible for Ebola — but also original sin, diarrhea, and Elephantitis

DCCC Ebola adDCCC blames GOP for EbolaThe Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and a liberal nonprofit organization named The Agenda Project Action Fund have blamed the Republican Party for the spread of Ebola in the U.S., but the American people haven’t bought it. Neither has The Washington Post, which called the claims “absurd.” Now, Democrats have launched a new trial balloon: Republicans are responsible for original sin, and by extension death and any number of other maladies.

In an interview with MSNBC’s Morning Joe crew on Thursday, DCCC Chairman Steve Israel blamed the “original Republicans, Adam and Eve,” for the fall of humanity and its banishment from the Garden of Eden.

Mr. Israel told Mika Brzezinski:

“Death rides a pale horse, but it wouldn’t be that way if the original Republicans, Adam and Eve, hadn’t rebelled against God. Yes, the American people are being led to believe that Ebola spreads because West Africans eating bushmeat continue to deny the existence of Ebola even as their friends and family die gruesome, painful deaths. They’ve been led to believe that CDC officials who tell Dallas hospital employees to hop aboard airplanes (even when they’re suffering from suspicious fevers) may need to be held accountable — but it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

The GOP brought on Ebola. Nay, they may have even invented it! But they also bit from the apple that is the cause of all modern-day pestilence, disease, decay and ultimately death. Voters need to hold them accountable in three weeks.

Joe Scarborough was skeptical of the claim, although he said he would ultimately reserve judgment until Fact Checkers at with PolitiFact weighed in before the weekend.

“Joe, I’m telling you, I have this on good authority. The same religious scholars who assure me God that is totally cool with killing babies in the womb while calling it ‘choice’ have presented me with incontrovertible evidence that Adam and Eve were, whether we like it or not, Republicans.”

The MSNBC panel looked around astounded, when finally its host broke the stunned silence.

“If this is true, this is going to be a game-changer,” said Mr. Scarborough. “Keep me updated.”

A spokesman for the DCCC said that it would be putting out a list of all the ailments Republicans are responsible for within days. A partial list released to the media includes:

  • Diarrhea
  • Gout
  • Cancer
  • Malaria
  • Elephantitis
  • Scabies
  • Infidelity
  • Halitosis
  • Menopause
  • Tooth decay

When asked for proof of the above claims, the DCCC spokesman simply told The Associated Press: “The proof is in the pudding, boys. They proof…is in…the pudding.”

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Ryan’s rock hard abs lose Romney a big voting bloc: Fatties

Congressman Paul Ryan maintains 6-8 percent body fat by doing P90X. By doing so, he has lost the fat vote to President Obama.

You’ve heard pundits on both sides of the ideological divide discuss why Mitt Romney’s decision to pick Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., was either the greatest move of his campaign, or the proverbial nail in the coffin. Conventional wisdom says that really old people living high on the hog in Florida will not want to take a chance on a politician who says cuts to Medicare won’t affect them. Personally, I think conventional wisdom has a spottier track record than most people want to acknowledge, but that’s besides the point. If Mitt Romney loses in November it will because of one voting block: The fatties.

By now everyone knows that Paul Ryan has abs like an action hero. He does the infamous P90X — but he really does it — as in, he’s not one of those people who bought the product, tried it for a few days, and then went back to his normal routine. The man is living proof that if you put your ass through the wringer … you’ll have a nice ass. This does not sit well with fat people, particularly during the height of an “obesity epidemic.”

Before continuing on, in full disclosure I must admit: In an attempt to contract the obesity virus that plagues the nation, I have bedded more overweight women than I would like to admit. Some of them even coughed and sneezed on me during my experiments, and yet I still maintain a weight the federal government has deemed healthy. While I have not been able to contract any form of fat virus, I yield to the experts’ advice — and apparently my own eyes. There are a lot of fat people out there.

And so, it is my assumption that the nation is not ready to have a serious conversation about its gluttony. Every time Paul Ryan appears on television his chiseled physique reminds us that self-discipline, restraint and hard work can have an amazing effect on the body. Sure, he seems like a gregarious guy, but underneath that smile and taut, tight skin is a fat man, crushed to death under pounds of muscle.

Paul Ryan wants to starve the poor just like he starved his inner fat man. He wants people to work just like he works his abs and gluts, quads, hamstrings, back, biceps and triceps. That may sound good, but it’s bad news to people who really, really, really enjoy eating.

War on women? War on minorities? War on gay people? Why debate any of that when Paul Ryan’s war on fat people is the firefight that will determine the outcome of the election.

A nation that willingly strives to give itself Type II Diabetes will not allow a fitness buff like Congressman Paul Ryan to reform Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. If President Obama is re-elected, Democrats will have one constituency to thank, and one constituency only: The Constituency of Fat.

GOP Targets Youth By Acting Like It’s On Drugs

Every so often the GOP comes out of the depths to make itself known to young people. And then it returns to the deep, where old, old things reside. It's beautiful, yet sad, at the same time.

Somewhat like the regularity of the famous Humpback Whales migrating South for the winter, the GOP make a move towards the “youth” vote. Only, unlike Humpback Whales, the GOP never actually makes it to their desired destination. The GOP replicates this with the black vote as well, so perhaps the Sperm Whale is a more appropriate analogy…

Here’s the gist of it via hotair:

Since President Obama took office the deficit has more than tripled and the debt has skyrocketed. Every dollar Mr. Obama has borrowed or spent is a dollar millennials are going to have to pay back in the years ahead, in the form of higher taxes, a more sluggish economy, or both. Republicans can stress that while the Obama presidency has darkened the fiscal future, they have put forward solutions (such as the budget authored by Rep. Paul Ryan) to jump-start the economy and salvage the safety net for millennials.”

Someone needs to tell Margaret Hoover that young people know of Republicans “solutions” and they have rejected them! Republicans have been rejected for the ideology of “MeMeMeMeMeMe” (i.e., libertarianism) and modern-day Liberalism, whose advocates are impervious to economic reality. Young people don’t care about monster debt and they won’t until it disembowels them in the coming years.

Hotair’s Tina Korbe essentially says that Hoover is missing the broader point—that kids don’t understand basic economics and first principles—and she’s right. Once someone has a set of principles, those principles become a guide with which to navigate confusing public policy terrain. Tina Korbe is everything that is right about that GOP, and on many levels Ms. Hoover is what is wrong with them (assuming her book offers more of the same).

The GOP seem to think they have a shot at kids because Barack Obama has done a horrible job managing the economy. Whether that’s true or not misses the point: kids sadly get their news from Jon Stewart. A sizable portion of the electorate still blame George Bush for today’s economic problems. Jon Huntsman is creepy and looks like he crawls into a coffin at night. Tim Pawlenty is a nerd, but not the kind of nerd who’s actually kind of cool… Mitt Romney wants to be President so bad that’s it’s weird and off-putting. Paul Ryan isn’t running (yet).

The only person the GOP has who, at this point, seems to know how to strike a balance between policy-wonk and “regular” (level-headed) guy is Paul Ryan. He could go toe-to-toe with Barack Obama and win.

Keep smoking whatever you’re smoking, Ms. Hoover. You’ll get kids to hang out with you at the GOP headquarters with your new message, but they’re not the type who will be out of bed when the polls close on election day.