Obama pushes for Islamic State Relief Act; $1B jobs bill would train jihadis for new career

ISILState Department spokeswoman Marie Harf made waves Feb. 17 when she said that members of Islamic State were drawn to the terrorist organization due to a dearth of jobs. The Obama administration made it clear Monday that she did not misspeak: White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that Mr. Obama is urging members of Congress to draw up the “Islamic State Relief Act” (ISRA), a $1 billion jobs bill that would give jihadis a chance to change career paths.

“When the president hears ‘Allahu Akbar!’ during Islamic State propaganda videos, he hears something entirely different than most people. He doesn’t hear ‘God is the greatest!’ — he hears “Where are the jobs?” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said Monday, The Associated Press reported. “‘Jihad’ means ‘struggle.’ When the president hears ‘jihad,’ he knows that the struggle is real for high-paying, respectable jobs. Men don’t chop off heads because of some sick attempt to reconstitute the Islamic empires of old — they chop off heads because they’re not killing sales records at the local car dealership,” he added.

Mr. Earnest’s brief overview of what the president is looking for with ISRA made it clear that it would be safe for U.S. sleeper cells to “come out of the shadows” if they wanted to take advantage of educational opportunities. The president faces stiff opposition with Republicans in control of both the House and Senate.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said Monday that he did receive a brief phone call from the president, but that the two are oceans apart on what final passage of ISRA should look like.

“I can’t help but think that the president’s misreading of the threat posed by Islamic radicals has passed the point of satire and swung around the globe to a place that is wholly absurd,” the Ohio Republican said. “He’s gone from not calling the Islamic State group Islamic, to saying that job creation will curb recruitment, to finally pushing Congress for a $1 billion jobs bill — primarily for enemies, both foreign and domestic. Someone get me a bottle of antacid pills.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was quick to respond that the U.S. does distribute aid packages to foreign countries. While it would be a first to grant taxpayer dollars to terrorist organizations, lawyers at the Department of Justice assured the president that air-tight constitutional wording for ISRA exists — they just need to find it.

“There will be critics of this bill,” Mr. Earnest said, AP reported, “But 20 years from now, when a former Islamic State terrorist is standing behind this very microphone, thanks to the president’s jobs bill, who will you thank — the Republicans who fought the president every step of the way, or Mr. Obama?”

Foreign fighters in Raqqa, Syria said they would be open to taking advantage of the president’s plan, provided that classes on beheading and slavery were not prohibited. They added that professors should under no circumstances be women, Jews, or gay men.

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Islamic State’s ‘Blood Bucket Challenge’ fails to catch on: ‘Jihad is tough’

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The ALS Associated has seen a windfall of donations come into the organization in 2014 thanks to the “Ice Bucket Challenge,” taking in close to $100 million between July 29 and September 1. Sunni radicals with the Islamic State group have tried to add their own twist to the challenge in recent weeks. Members rolled out the “Blood Bucket Challenge” and the “Head Bucket Challenge,” but with only a fraction of the success.

Agence France Presse reported Monday:

“Jihad is tough. To drive out the infidels, the kafir, the rotten Christians and Jews…these things all require money,” Islamic State’s caliph, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said Aug 30 via a press release. “Allah willing, we expect to raise $100 million before November. Simply fill a bucket with the blood of an infidel, pour it over your head to raise awareness of radical Islam, and then challenge friends, family and fellow mosque-goers to do the same. If you want to really do Sharia Law proud, then put a head in a bucket and dump it on your own head!”

In a video posted to YouTube September 1, al-Baghdadi poured a bucket of blood on his head, shivered with delight and said, “I challenge Khalid Sheik Mohammed down in Gitmo, Abdel-Majed Abdel Bary for U.K. representation, and Ayman al-Zawahiri!”

President Obama took time from his Martha’s Vineyard vacation to address the “Blood Bucket Challenge on Monday, saying that the actions of Islamic State should not be construed of having anything to do with Islam.

The Associated Press reported:

“Chopping off heads while screaming “Allahu Akbar!”, driving Christians out of land they’ve occupied for roughly 2,000 years, forcing women to wear burkas, filling buckets with blood and then raising interest in jihad by pouring them over heads … these things have nothing to do with Islam,” Mr. Obama said Monday. “When we see grown men chopping off heads, putting them in buckets, and then emptying the bucket onto their own head for charity, it is important to figure out what the root causes of their behavior might be — but it is imperative to stress that the horrific actions of the Islamic State group are in no way connected to Islam.”

When asked by reporters if alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed would be able to participate in the challenge if he wished, the president was non-committal.

“Listen,” said the president. “Obviously, we don’t have a bucket of blood to give Mr. Mohammed. However, we might be able to find some sort of humane compromise. Perhaps we can mix up some corn syrup and red food coloring into a bucket and he could symbolically take part in the challenge. That’s something that can be reasonably worked out between the lawyers down in Guantanamo Bay, the Red Cross and the international community. Circle back with White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest sometime early next week for an answer. We’ll see what we can do.”

While exact numbers are hard to come by, a spokesman for Islamic State said that $3 million has been donated to the cause. Western Civilization’s unwillingness to chop off heads in the name of Allah has severely hampered the initiative, according to Middle East experts.

A spokesman for the Islamic State group added that a request would be put in to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office sometime early next week for “Blood Bucket Challenge” and “Head Bucket Challenge” to stop competing terrorist organizations from using al-Baghdadi’s idea to make a profit.

Obama to call Islamic terrorists ‘Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles’

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For years the Obama administration has gone out of its way to avoid using terms like “Islamic extremist” or “Muslim terrorist.” The word ‘jihad’ is rarely, if ever, used in public pronouncements by the State Department. And perhaps the most striking example of the White House’s attempt to mind-wipe any notion that terrorism committed in the name of Islam has anything whatsoever to do with the religion came from former Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Speaking to the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee in 2009, she said:

The overriding and urgent mission of the United States Department of Homeland Security is contained in the name of the agency itself. To secure the homeland means to protect our nation’s borders by finding and killing the roots of terrorism and to stop those who intend to hurt us; to wisely enforce the rule of law at our borders; to protect our national cyber infrastructure; and to prepare for and respond to natural and man-caused disasters with speed, skill, compassion, and effectiveness.

With the emergence of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the Obama administration has determined that “man-caused-disasters” is not going to cut it anymore. With the news that Christians in Mosul have fled after being told to convert to Islam or die, the president held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday to address the matter.

“Greetings, my fellow Americans. In 2011 I oversaw the exit of all U.S. military personnel from Iraq and ended a war that took the lives of over 4,000 of our most courageous men and women. At the time I knew that challenges would remain for the fragile Iraqi government, just as any nation that has wrestled itself out from under the thumb of a brutal dictator faces dark and difficult days. However, I was confident Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and the Iraqi government were up to the task.

The past few months have shown that the threat posed by Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles is ongoing and real, which is why I affirm the U.S. commitment to ending fundamentalist tiddle-taddle wherever it may rear its ugly head.

Ultimately, the U.S. can not rid Iraq of its fuzzy problem, but the military advisers I have sent to the region will work hand-in-hand with Sunni and Shiite Iraqi security forces to ensure that violence in the name of wuzzy is mitigated and peace restored to a region with its best days still ahead.

Thank you.”

CNN’s Chief International Correspondent Christiane Amanpour took Mr. Obama’s cue and ran with it immediately after the broadcast, saying “Polls show that the American people have tired of the president’s speeches, but I must say that this was in many ways a return to form. If Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles thought Mr. Obama was soft on fuzzy, they’ll need to think again. Back to you, Wolf.”

Islamic State