Big Bang, Bloomberg should ban the whole gang

I’m a little late to the soda-ban debate coming out of New York because, as regular readers know, the substances I partake in (some would say ‘abuse’) transcend those of the carbonated beverage variety — although most opium dens do provide PepsiCo. products for some weird reason.

During one verse of Bobby Darin’s classic, Splish Splash, he sings “Big bang, I saw the whole gang.” That’s how I feel about the efforts to ban or “limit” unhealthy foods and beverages. If you have dirty water in the bath tub, you won’t make it clean by draining out a portion of the water. You need to drain the whole darn tub, Mayor Bloomberg! You need to take out the whole gang!

And so, here now is a partial list of things that need to be banned, limited or changed in America to rid ourselves of this ongoing plague:

  • The McDonald’s dollar menu. Poor people have been abusing high calorie foods at a low cost for far too long. The United States is the only country in the world where poor people die of causes directly related to their own gluttony. We need to go back to the future and channel our friends in third world countries, where poor people die because of malnourishment. We can start by doing away with the dollar menu at McDonald’s.
  • Taco Bell ‘Fourth Meal’. The inventors of the delicious Doritos Locos taco are usually open into the wee hours of the morning, offering a ‘fourth meal’ for guys like me, who once worked odd shifts. Eating a high calorie meal and then going to bed is the worst thing a person can do from a weight-gain perspective. Screw convenience — we’ve got a “crisis” on our hands. Let’s close down Taco Bell, Wendy’s and whatever other late night restaurants perpetuate a nation of double-chins and love handles. I’m looking at you, IHOP!
  • Pants with elastic waistbands, sweatpants and loose-fitting jeans. If we stop making clothes big enough for fat people, they’ll have no choice put to slim down. Those who don’t comply will be forced to spend more time indoors, but then again … they’ll be out of sight. An unintended consequence of our good intentions? Sure. But we can fix that, too! We’ll have them slimmed down in no time by banning …
  • Pizza delivery and Chinese take out. These guys are the foot soldiers in the war on obesity, and they’re on the side of tyranny. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Sure, the U.S. is a more convenient place when with the click of a button you can have carbohydrates delivered to your door for dirt cheap prices, but it’s also a fatter place. Get on these fat troopers, Bloomberg, because they only care about profits.
  • Cars. Imagine if we made people ride a bike, walk or run to work every day. We’d have a pretty fit nation on our hands. Everyone would look so good the national libido would go through the roof. Sure, STD’s would skyrocket, but would you rather a little burning sensation when you pee, or skin tags under your armpits and behind your knees?
  • Escalators. Turn off all the escalators. Now. I guarantee America sees 10 pound weight loss per capita within six months. Wheel chair bound? Maybe we can make an elevator exception. Maybe.
  • The Internet. Look up the stats for how much the average person spends online. Do you know what they used to do? They played catch with their son. They took their daughter on a bike ride. They went out to a scurvy hotel and cheated on their wife with some dumb floozy (which burns calories, even if it increases the odds that you burn in hell). They did … stuff. And they most certainly didn’t waste time reading blogs by a guy who calls himself Doctor Bizarre.

With that said, I have to run. The Papa John’s guy is here. Bread sticks with extra garlic sauce on the side. Score.