Obama changes his mind: On second thought, how about some U.S. troops in Syria?

US Syria troops Obama

President Obama said for years that he wasn’t going to send U.S. troops into Syria, but like the urge to kill a man with a Predator drone instead of bringing him in for interrogation (and dealing with all those legal formalities), some things are just too hard to resist.

NBC News reported Friday:

The U.S. will send a small number of U.S. special operations forces into Syria as part of a shift in its strategy against ISIS, White House officials announced Friday.

President Barack Obama has authorized a contingent of fewer than 50 commandos to deploy into northern Syria and work with moderate opposition forces who are fighting the militants.

While the White House has consistently said it would not put U.S. boots on the ground, spokesman Josh Earnest insisted that they will be there in a “train, advise and assist mission” — and not in a combat role.

President Obama says troops will only be in an “advise and assist” role like a teenage boy tells his girlfriend he’ll only put in the tip…right before accidentally impregnating her.

The key to success on the battlefield is to treat war just like a responsible but sexually-active young man treats intercourse with his girlfriend.

  • Be upfront and clear about your intentions with your partner.
  • If you go in, go all the way — but make sure to come prepared.
  • Do not commit to anything you will regret later.

Middle East map

The problem with Mr. Obama is that no one knows what his intentions are, he only sort-of-kind-of-maybe commits to allies around the globe, and as a result he ends up creating messes he must then try to fix with more diplomatic sex-games.

Consider for a moment, if you will:

  • Announcing a “red line” in Syria for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad if he uses chemical weapons, and then doing nothing once that line is crossed.
  • Calling (and treating) the Islamic State group like a “J.V. Team” as it marched across Iraq, and then having to send U.S. troops back in after having pulled them all out in 2011.
  • Announcing a pull-out date for troops in Afghanistan, which allowed Taliban and al-Qaeda terrorists to set up attack timetables accordingly. The result: U.S. troops must now stay longer in Afghanistan.

Mr. Obama is the guy who used to play kinky sex games with “safe” words, and then wondered why his partner wound up in the hospital. He is the guy who tells his date he has a condom, but then gets so drunk he forgets to put it on in the dark and winds up with a child nine months later. And his is the guy who drinks with his partner at the bar and then inexplicably leaves her alone with two male acquaintances because he wanted to go home early.

The reason the U.S. must now enter Syria in a heightened military capacity is because the president’s other diplomatic sex-games (e.g., airstrikes…airstrikes…airstrikes) have failed. He is the virgin who shows up to an orgy; the results are entirely predictable.

Here’s to all the special operators out there…especially the ones who talk dirty to me.

Dalai Lama: Obama is the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain

Dalai Lama APThe Obama administration was blindsided Monday when a press release attributed to the Dalai Lama said that, after much meditation, it was determined U.S. President Barack Obama was the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain.

“The universal consciousness is a steaming brew of all sorts of cosmic mysteries, but every so often a bubble forms that we’ve seen before. Mr. Obama’s nuclear deal with a regime that openly threatens to destroy the United States of America is an indicator that Mr. Chamberlain has returned. It is for this reason that, should I die in the next few years, I may choose not to reincarnate.” — (The Dalai Lama)

Mr. Chamberlain is infamously known for holding up an agreement between he and Adolph Hilter not to go to war with Britain. The Munich Agreement of 1938 didn’t bring about “peace for our time,” but instead the invasion of Poland and the outbreak of World War II.

Neville ChamberlainWhite House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was respectful, but skeptical, of the Dalai Lama’s claims.

“The Obama administration is slightly confused by the message sent by His Holiness, but we will not engage in a debate on reincarnation with the spiritual master. We know that he is a man of peace — just like Mr. Obama — and it is for that reason we are not brushing off his declaration as a bizarre form of satire,” Mr. Earnest told reporters. “We believe that peace can be had, even if it means giving billions of dollars to theocratic police states that sponsor global terrorism and call for the destruction of America and its allies.”

A spokesman for His Holiness said there is no political motive behind acknowledging the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain — Mr. Obama “just is.”

The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) was able to secure comment by the nation’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, on the news of Mr. Chamberlain’s reincarnation.

“Death to America! Death to America! Death to America!” the Iranian leader said, IRNA reported.

Obama to call Islamic terrorists ‘Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles’

Obama RG

For years the Obama administration has gone out of its way to avoid using terms like “Islamic extremist” or “Muslim terrorist.” The word ‘jihad’ is rarely, if ever, used in public pronouncements by the State Department. And perhaps the most striking example of the White House’s attempt to mind-wipe any notion that terrorism committed in the name of Islam has anything whatsoever to do with the religion came from former Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano.

Speaking to the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee in 2009, she said:

The overriding and urgent mission of the United States Department of Homeland Security is contained in the name of the agency itself. To secure the homeland means to protect our nation’s borders by finding and killing the roots of terrorism and to stop those who intend to hurt us; to wisely enforce the rule of law at our borders; to protect our national cyber infrastructure; and to prepare for and respond to natural and man-caused disasters with speed, skill, compassion, and effectiveness.

With the emergence of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, the Obama administration has determined that “man-caused-disasters” is not going to cut it anymore. With the news that Christians in Mosul have fled after being told to convert to Islam or die, the president held a press conference in the White House Rose Garden on Wednesday to address the matter.

“Greetings, my fellow Americans. In 2011 I oversaw the exit of all U.S. military personnel from Iraq and ended a war that took the lives of over 4,000 of our most courageous men and women. At the time I knew that challenges would remain for the fragile Iraqi government, just as any nation that has wrestled itself out from under the thumb of a brutal dictator faces dark and difficult days. However, I was confident Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and the Iraqi government were up to the task.

The past few months have shown that the threat posed by Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles is ongoing and real, which is why I affirm the U.S. commitment to ending fundamentalist tiddle-taddle wherever it may rear its ugly head.

Ultimately, the U.S. can not rid Iraq of its fuzzy problem, but the military advisers I have sent to the region will work hand-in-hand with Sunni and Shiite Iraqi security forces to ensure that violence in the name of wuzzy is mitigated and peace restored to a region with its best days still ahead.

Thank you.”

CNN’s Chief International Correspondent Christiane Amanpour took Mr. Obama’s cue and ran with it immediately after the broadcast, saying “Polls show that the American people have tired of the president’s speeches, but I must say that this was in many ways a return to form. If Fuzzy-wuzzy-tiddle-taddles thought Mr. Obama was soft on fuzzy, they’ll need to think again. Back to you, Wolf.”

Islamic State

Obama: I won’t rest until gay polygamist pot smokers are truly free

President Obama recently made headlines when he sat down with The New Yorker’s David Remnick for his piece “Going the Distance.” In it, he asserted that smoking pot is no more dangerous than drinking alcohol — and I agree.

The New Yorker Reported:

“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.”

News outlets from The Huffington Post to USA Today, The Drudge Report to BBC all ran the story, but buried deep within the piece was an ever juicier bit:

“Let me be clear,” the president said. “We still have a lot of work to go. In some states gay marriage is legal, but what about polygamy? In fact, what about gay polygamy?” At this point the president leaned in close, lightly tapped on my knee with his index finger, and said in a near whisper “What about gay polygamist who want to legally smoke pot, David. What. About. Them?”

Mr. Obama rubbed his forehead. “The founders knew that we were all fallible people in a flawed system, but that we could always strive towards a more perfect union. When you unravel the public policy thread on the American cable knit sweater, what you soon realize is that in order to be free — truly free — men who want to live with and love other men while smoking copious amounts of marijuana for the rest of their lives need to be granted the opportunity to do so. When you zoom out from this amazing little blue planet known as earth you realize that we are less than a speck in the eye of the universe. And you and I and everyone else are specks within a speck! Do you really want to be the speck that denies another speck gay speck sex while high? I don’t.”

The president’s comments may seem ludicrous to some, but in his madness he makes some astute observations.

What does it mean to be free?

Does freedom entail something more than simply the ability to do whatever (and whomever) we want?

Are there objective moral truths out there that humanity can discern through logic and reason, faith and love?

Is marriage just about “loving” another person (or persons), and does true freedom mean having the freedom to destroy ourselves with plants, pills and crazy chemicals brought to us by the pharmaceutical industry?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m thankful that we finally have an American president who is standing up for gay polygamist pot smokers everywhere.

Obama’s rich pals attend Inauguration; voter asks for more methadone

The good doctor is in —back from an extended stay in an Australian methadone clinic that ended badly, primarily because I had to come to grips with reality: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney would be president in 2013. Who was I to vote for: the rich guy who spent most of his life running for president (rather creepy, don’t you think?) or the guy who pretends he hates rich guys when he really, really loves them? A lot. Especially if they donate to his causes and especially more than you.

Joel Kotkin writes for the New Geography:

Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon and Microsoft are far from “the workers of the world,” but closer to modern-day robber barons. Through their own ingenuity, access to capital and often oligopolistic hold on lucrative markets, they have enjoyed one of the greatest accumulations of wealth in recent economic history, even amidst generally declining earnings, rising poverty and inequality among their fellow Americans.

Last year the tech oligarchs emerged as major political players. Microsoft, Google and their employees were the largest private-sector donors to the president. …

An even greater beneficiary of the second term will be the administrative class, who by their nature live largely outside the market system. This group, which I call the new clerisy, is based largely in academia and the federal bureaucracy, whose numbers and distinct privileges have grown throughout the past half century.

Even in tough times, high-level academics enjoy tenure and have been largely spared from job cuts. Between late 2007 and mid-2009, the number of U.S. federal workers earning more than $150,000 more than doubled, even as the economy fell into a deep recession. Even as the private sector, and state government employment has fallen, the ranks of federal nomenklatura have swelled so much that Washington, D.C., has replaced New York as the wealthiest region in the country. …

Like empowered bureaucrats everywhere, the clerisy also sometimes reserves a nice “taste” for themselves, much as the old bishops and upper clergy indulged in luxury and even prohibited pleasures of the flesh. Just look at the lavish payouts accorded to Orszag and Treasury Secretary-designate Jacob Lew, who, after serving in the bureaucracy, make millions off the same Wall Street firms that have so benefited from administration policies.

So who loses in the new order? [T]he biggest losers likely will be the small business-oriented middle class. Not surprisingly Main Street, far more than Wall Street, harbors the gravest pessimism about the president’s second term.

Newsflash: “Too big to fail” is even bigger. The debt is bigger. The spending never stops and the federal government runs its finances in ways that would get us thrown in jail. Meanwhile, there will be roughly 1 million people who descend on Washington, DC tomorrow to watch the president pretend as though he cares for them.

The difference between Mitt Romney and President Obama was never that one was overly concerned with “the rich” while the other one cared about “the middle class” (What is that, anyway? How do you define “middle class”?). The difference is that President Obama likes to pick winners (e.g., Google) and losers (e.g., oil companies) while Mitt Romney had the big-brass Mormon balls to say he wanted them all to be winners.

And so, that is why my addiction to opiates continues to bear down on my chest, like that big-boned prostitute in Poland. Was it that time in Warsaw, or was I really in Prague? That whole European excursion is a blur…

Regardless, I am back in the nation’s capital for a week, perhaps two, depending on how the social scene pans out. There are a lot of parties with wealthy Democratic (female) donors, and many of them are just as generous with their bodies as they are giving out other people’s money.

You have not lived until you have bedded a leftist member of the Beltway elite, particularly if they’re dumb. As they’re about to drift off to sleep I whisper in their ears:

  • “CAFE standards are bullshit.”
  • “I would have let GM go bankrupt.”
  • “The Department of Housing and Urban Development is a joke.”

Sometimes there’s a momentarily flash of concern on their faces, as if they’ve just given up a bit of their soul to someone who isn’t one of them. The truth? Who knows what I am. I don’t even know. But I do know that the vast majority of politicians — including the Great Obama — are pretenders. Unlike actors and musicians and drug-addled bloggers, they have the power to craft and enforce the law of the land.

And without further adieu, I return to Dr. Bizarre’s secret chest of magic analgesics.

Michelle Obama does push-ups. Morons criticize her form.

Michelle Obama recently paid a visit to the Ellen show. While Ellen and she were making small talk, a push-up contest materialized. The two women hit the floor and started knocking them out. Good for daytime television, but bad for news…unless you’re talking about the morons who comment on said “news” pieces with personal attacks.

I don’t have much love for President Obama. In fact, I don’t have much love for ANY politician. But I have even less love for people on either side of the political aisle who would take time out of their day to make “fat” jokes about the First Lady over something as light-hearted and innocuous as her guest appearance on Ellen.

During the Bush administration, anything “W” did—and I mean anything—was immediately used as evidence of his so-called incompetence or a desire to steal your civil liberties. Likewise, there seems to be a bizarre group of people who are simply enraged at Michelle Obama’s mere existence. The Obama’s have a very nice family and two lovely kids. Michelle generally stays under the radar and has one pet issue—healthy eating. There are some legitimate public policy concerns over how she would address America’s obesity problem if she was an elected official…but overall she’s harmless. So if you find yourself calling her “fat” or “a b**ch” online after she appears on a daytime television show…then YOU probably have psychological issues. Or you’re just a really angry, bitter person.

I don’t agree with almost anything Ms. Obama says politically, but I’d rather have her as First Lady then someone with a dominant Stepford Wife gene on full display.