DCCC: Republicans responsible for Ebola — but also original sin, diarrhea, and Elephantitis

DCCC Ebola adDCCC blames GOP for EbolaThe Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and a liberal nonprofit organization named The Agenda Project Action Fund have blamed the Republican Party for the spread of Ebola in the U.S., but the American people haven’t bought it. Neither has The Washington Post, which called the claims “absurd.” Now, Democrats have launched a new trial balloon: Republicans are responsible for original sin, and by extension death and any number of other maladies.

In an interview with MSNBC’s Morning Joe crew on Thursday, DCCC Chairman Steve Israel blamed the “original Republicans, Adam and Eve,” for the fall of humanity and its banishment from the Garden of Eden.

Mr. Israel told Mika Brzezinski:

“Death rides a pale horse, but it wouldn’t be that way if the original Republicans, Adam and Eve, hadn’t rebelled against God. Yes, the American people are being led to believe that Ebola spreads because West Africans eating bushmeat continue to deny the existence of Ebola even as their friends and family die gruesome, painful deaths. They’ve been led to believe that CDC officials who tell Dallas hospital employees to hop aboard airplanes (even when they’re suffering from suspicious fevers) may need to be held accountable — but it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

The GOP brought on Ebola. Nay, they may have even invented it! But they also bit from the apple that is the cause of all modern-day pestilence, disease, decay and ultimately death. Voters need to hold them accountable in three weeks.

Joe Scarborough was skeptical of the claim, although he said he would ultimately reserve judgment until Fact Checkers at with PolitiFact weighed in before the weekend.

“Joe, I’m telling you, I have this on good authority. The same religious scholars who assure me God that is totally cool with killing babies in the womb while calling it ‘choice’ have presented me with incontrovertible evidence that Adam and Eve were, whether we like it or not, Republicans.”

The MSNBC panel looked around astounded, when finally its host broke the stunned silence.

“If this is true, this is going to be a game-changer,” said Mr. Scarborough. “Keep me updated.”

A spokesman for the DCCC said that it would be putting out a list of all the ailments Republicans are responsible for within days. A partial list released to the media includes:

  • Diarrhea
  • Gout
  • Cancer
  • Malaria
  • Elephantitis
  • Scabies
  • Infidelity
  • Halitosis
  • Menopause
  • Tooth decay

When asked for proof of the above claims, the DCCC spokesman simply told The Associated Press: “The proof is in the pudding, boys. They proof…is in…the pudding.”

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Harry Reid: Koch brothers are pro-life because they kidnap and eat live babies

Reid AP

On May 7, 2014, Democratic Senator Harry Reid of Nevada made the claim that the Koch Brothers are one of the “main causes” of Climate Change.

“While the Koch brothers admit to not being experts on the matter, these billionaire oil tycoons are certainly experts at contributing to climate change. That’s what they do very well. They are one of the main causes of this. Not a cause, one of the main causes.” – Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.), floor speech, May 7, 2014

The Washington Post gave this claim three “Pinocchios.” The paper — no friend to conservatives — also noted that the private citizens seems to be bogeymen for the Democratic Party after Mr. Reid called them “un-American” on the Senate floor, in addition to claiming that “all” horror stories about Obamacare are “untrue” — tall tales cooked up by the Koch brothers. And, speaking of cooked, Sen. Reid is back with another charge — the Koch brothers are pro-life because they eat live babies.

Speaking at a fundraiser hosted by Reid donor and billionaire casino owner Sheldon Adelson on Saturday night (see Jon Stewart’s commentary on the history between the two), the senator said:

On Aug 2, 2012, I said ““The word’s out that he [Romney] hasn’t paid any taxes for 10 years,” and the Washington Post gave me four “Pinocchios,” for the claim. The paper thought I was reckless for saying a “source” told me that it was true and that “a number of people” (all unnamed) verified it. Conservative bloggers made jokes about “sources” that told them I had a pederasty problem. Well, I’m here to tell you that the real problem is the Koch brothers and that my same reliable sources have told me that they are pro-life because they and their henchmen running American for Prosperity have a voracious appetite for live babies.

Make no mistake — this is no Jonathan Swift satire. This is real, because we know for a fact that the Koch brothers are behind Global Warming, Climate Change, Climate Disruption and all the hurricanes and hot weather and cold weather and unseasonably mild weather that comes along with it.

The FBI had over 660,000 missing persons cases filed with the National Crime Information Center in 2012. And do you know why the majority of those missing persons went missing to begin with? The Koch brothers.

This is not petty politics. This is not pitting American against American. This is not divide and conquer. This is real, which is why I ask you to chip in whatever disposable income you have to my reelection campaign, the coffers of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee and all of our allies on the left side of the political spectrum. I ask you to join with me, my billion friend Sheldon Adelson, billionaires like George Soros and Hollywood millionaires like George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, and Harvey Weinstein as we take on the corrupt baby-eating money of the Koch brothers.

After word of the baby-eating Koch brothers charge made its way to Twitter and other social media platforms, reporters for The Washington Post reached out to Sen. Reid’s chief of staff, David Krone, who said:

“It’s been an open secret in Washington, D.C. for years that the Koch brothers eat kidnapped babies, and that they eat them with foie gras. It’s time for the American people to know the truth, and Sen. Reid stepped up to the plate. You want names? I’d tell you, but the Koch brothers might make those patriotic whistle blowers disappear. You’ll just have to take my word for it.”

Sen. Reid is scheduled to speak at Spring Valley Hospital Medical Center in Las Vegas in Monday. News outlets have been informed that the senator will connect the Koch brothers with the Middle East Respiratory Syndrome (MERS) is viral respiratory illness, as well as other infectious diseases.

Obama: I won’t rest until gay polygamist pot smokers are truly free

President Obama recently made headlines when he sat down with The New Yorker’s David Remnick for his piece “Going the Distance.” In it, he asserted that smoking pot is no more dangerous than drinking alcohol — and I agree.

The New Yorker Reported:

“As has been well documented, I smoked pot as a kid, and I view it as a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life. I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol.”

News outlets from The Huffington Post to USA Today, The Drudge Report to BBC all ran the story, but buried deep within the piece was an ever juicier bit:

“Let me be clear,” the president said. “We still have a lot of work to go. In some states gay marriage is legal, but what about polygamy? In fact, what about gay polygamy?” At this point the president leaned in close, lightly tapped on my knee with his index finger, and said in a near whisper “What about gay polygamist who want to legally smoke pot, David. What. About. Them?”

Mr. Obama rubbed his forehead. “The founders knew that we were all fallible people in a flawed system, but that we could always strive towards a more perfect union. When you unravel the public policy thread on the American cable knit sweater, what you soon realize is that in order to be free — truly free — men who want to live with and love other men while smoking copious amounts of marijuana for the rest of their lives need to be granted the opportunity to do so. When you zoom out from this amazing little blue planet known as earth you realize that we are less than a speck in the eye of the universe. And you and I and everyone else are specks within a speck! Do you really want to be the speck that denies another speck gay speck sex while high? I don’t.”

The president’s comments may seem ludicrous to some, but in his madness he makes some astute observations.

What does it mean to be free?

Does freedom entail something more than simply the ability to do whatever (and whomever) we want?

Are there objective moral truths out there that humanity can discern through logic and reason, faith and love?

Is marriage just about “loving” another person (or persons), and does true freedom mean having the freedom to destroy ourselves with plants, pills and crazy chemicals brought to us by the pharmaceutical industry?

I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m thankful that we finally have an American president who is standing up for gay polygamist pot smokers everywhere.

Obama’s rich pals attend Inauguration; voter asks for more methadone

The good doctor is in —back from an extended stay in an Australian methadone clinic that ended badly, primarily because I had to come to grips with reality: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney would be president in 2013. Who was I to vote for: the rich guy who spent most of his life running for president (rather creepy, don’t you think?) or the guy who pretends he hates rich guys when he really, really loves them? A lot. Especially if they donate to his causes and especially more than you.

Joel Kotkin writes for the New Geography:

Apple, Google, Facebook, Amazon and Microsoft are far from “the workers of the world,” but closer to modern-day robber barons. Through their own ingenuity, access to capital and often oligopolistic hold on lucrative markets, they have enjoyed one of the greatest accumulations of wealth in recent economic history, even amidst generally declining earnings, rising poverty and inequality among their fellow Americans.

Last year the tech oligarchs emerged as major political players. Microsoft, Google and their employees were the largest private-sector donors to the president. …

An even greater beneficiary of the second term will be the administrative class, who by their nature live largely outside the market system. This group, which I call the new clerisy, is based largely in academia and the federal bureaucracy, whose numbers and distinct privileges have grown throughout the past half century.

Even in tough times, high-level academics enjoy tenure and have been largely spared from job cuts. Between late 2007 and mid-2009, the number of U.S. federal workers earning more than $150,000 more than doubled, even as the economy fell into a deep recession. Even as the private sector, and state government employment has fallen, the ranks of federal nomenklatura have swelled so much that Washington, D.C., has replaced New York as the wealthiest region in the country. …

Like empowered bureaucrats everywhere, the clerisy also sometimes reserves a nice “taste” for themselves, much as the old bishops and upper clergy indulged in luxury and even prohibited pleasures of the flesh. Just look at the lavish payouts accorded to Orszag and Treasury Secretary-designate Jacob Lew, who, after serving in the bureaucracy, make millions off the same Wall Street firms that have so benefited from administration policies.

So who loses in the new order? [T]he biggest losers likely will be the small business-oriented middle class. Not surprisingly Main Street, far more than Wall Street, harbors the gravest pessimism about the president’s second term.

Newsflash: “Too big to fail” is even bigger. The debt is bigger. The spending never stops and the federal government runs its finances in ways that would get us thrown in jail. Meanwhile, there will be roughly 1 million people who descend on Washington, DC tomorrow to watch the president pretend as though he cares for them.

The difference between Mitt Romney and President Obama was never that one was overly concerned with “the rich” while the other one cared about “the middle class” (What is that, anyway? How do you define “middle class”?). The difference is that President Obama likes to pick winners (e.g., Google) and losers (e.g., oil companies) while Mitt Romney had the big-brass Mormon balls to say he wanted them all to be winners.

And so, that is why my addiction to opiates continues to bear down on my chest, like that big-boned prostitute in Poland. Was it that time in Warsaw, or was I really in Prague? That whole European excursion is a blur…

Regardless, I am back in the nation’s capital for a week, perhaps two, depending on how the social scene pans out. There are a lot of parties with wealthy Democratic (female) donors, and many of them are just as generous with their bodies as they are giving out other people’s money.

You have not lived until you have bedded a leftist member of the Beltway elite, particularly if they’re dumb. As they’re about to drift off to sleep I whisper in their ears:

  • “CAFE standards are bullshit.”
  • “I would have let GM go bankrupt.”
  • “The Department of Housing and Urban Development is a joke.”

Sometimes there’s a momentarily flash of concern on their faces, as if they’ve just given up a bit of their soul to someone who isn’t one of them. The truth? Who knows what I am. I don’t even know. But I do know that the vast majority of politicians — including the Great Obama — are pretenders. Unlike actors and musicians and drug-addled bloggers, they have the power to craft and enforce the law of the land.

And without further adieu, I return to Dr. Bizarre’s secret chest of magic analgesics.

Obama re-election ad: When creepy adults exploit children

Is there a special place in Hell for adults who exploit children for political purposes, stealing their innocence to pimp ideology onto voters? We don’t know. Regardless, it’s pretty darn creepy to ask kids to put a forlorn face on while singing about “fixing” gay people.

Campaign season tends to bring out the worst in people — of all political stripes. That’s why I, Doctor Bizarre, love it. It’s a great opportunity to chronicle the depths politicians and their acolytes will go to in order to sell their brand to the public.

So where did the “The Future Children Project” come from? The San Francisco Gate has answers:

The award-winning ad team that brought you “Got Milk?” and some of America’s most iconic ads have created a touching, memorable — and, yes, slightly terrifying — new spot that stars America’s children. Just in time for Election Day, it’s selling a striking message — about the country’s future.

Jeff Goodby and Rich Silverstein, whose SF-based Goodby Silverstein & Partners ranks among the country’s most celebrated ad agencies, just released the new spot for their Future Childrens Project — and it’s sure to make some waves.

While it’s encouraging to see the giant red bar of dislikes the video has received on Youtube (also known as the lightsaber of death), it’s still worth noting that men with power and influence are often inclined to use tactics preferred by every infamous authoritarian regime known to man in order to get what they want.

Take a look at some of the lyrics for Goodby and Silverstein’s ad, and then ask yourself whether they are men or monsters for stuffing election year propaganda down the mouths of children. Also, ask yourself what kind of parents would sell out their children for the ad in the first place.

Imagine an America
Where strip mines are fun and free
Where gays can be fixed
And sick people just die
And oil fills the sea

We don’t have to pay for freeways!
Our schools are good enough
Give us endless wars
On foreign shores
And lots of Chinese stuff

We’re the children of the future
American through and through
But something happened to our country
And we’re kinda blaming you

We haven’t killed all the polar bears
But it’s not for lack of trying
Big Bird is sacked
The Earth is cracked
And the atmosphere is frying

There was a time when adults tried to protect the innocence of children. The early years were something to be cherished. Kids were not meant to be political pawns, and disagreements between adults were kept at the big table. While it seems as though the majority of Americans are still repulsed by efforts to use our most vulnerable citizens as philosophical cannon fodder, their are efforts like a strong undertow by men like Goodby and Silverstein to make everyone “fair game” in the battle for public policy supremacy.

Question: How many takes did this commercial need before it was in the can? How long did it take for Goodby and Silverstein to get their child actors to look as though someone had just killed their parents backstage before forcing them to sing their President Obama re-election jingle? Inquiring minds want to know.

Messrs. Goodby and Silverstein, you are scum. You are more miserable than Gloria Allred. You are even lowlier than Donald Trump, which I didn’t think was humanly possible. Your efforts on behalf of the president have already backfired, and if he loses his bid at re-election you will have played a very small, but noticeable part in pushing independent voters towards Mr. Romney. Congratulations — you are both officially idiots.

 

Ryan’s rock hard abs lose Romney a big voting bloc: Fatties

Congressman Paul Ryan maintains 6-8 percent body fat by doing P90X. By doing so, he has lost the fat vote to President Obama.

You’ve heard pundits on both sides of the ideological divide discuss why Mitt Romney’s decision to pick Congressman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., was either the greatest move of his campaign, or the proverbial nail in the coffin. Conventional wisdom says that really old people living high on the hog in Florida will not want to take a chance on a politician who says cuts to Medicare won’t affect them. Personally, I think conventional wisdom has a spottier track record than most people want to acknowledge, but that’s besides the point. If Mitt Romney loses in November it will because of one voting block: The fatties.

By now everyone knows that Paul Ryan has abs like an action hero. He does the infamous P90X — but he really does it — as in, he’s not one of those people who bought the product, tried it for a few days, and then went back to his normal routine. The man is living proof that if you put your ass through the wringer … you’ll have a nice ass. This does not sit well with fat people, particularly during the height of an “obesity epidemic.”

Before continuing on, in full disclosure I must admit: In an attempt to contract the obesity virus that plagues the nation, I have bedded more overweight women than I would like to admit. Some of them even coughed and sneezed on me during my experiments, and yet I still maintain a weight the federal government has deemed healthy. While I have not been able to contract any form of fat virus, I yield to the experts’ advice — and apparently my own eyes. There are a lot of fat people out there.

And so, it is my assumption that the nation is not ready to have a serious conversation about its gluttony. Every time Paul Ryan appears on television his chiseled physique reminds us that self-discipline, restraint and hard work can have an amazing effect on the body. Sure, he seems like a gregarious guy, but underneath that smile and taut, tight skin is a fat man, crushed to death under pounds of muscle.

Paul Ryan wants to starve the poor just like he starved his inner fat man. He wants people to work just like he works his abs and gluts, quads, hamstrings, back, biceps and triceps. That may sound good, but it’s bad news to people who really, really, really enjoy eating.

War on women? War on minorities? War on gay people? Why debate any of that when Paul Ryan’s war on fat people is the firefight that will determine the outcome of the election.

A nation that willingly strives to give itself Type II Diabetes will not allow a fitness buff like Congressman Paul Ryan to reform Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security. If President Obama is re-elected, Democrats will have one constituency to thank, and one constituency only: The Constituency of Fat.