Donald Trump soars in poll after eating feces; fans say act proves he plays by his own rules

Trump APA snap poll conducted Tuesday after billionaire Donald Trump ate his own feces on live television showed yet another spike in popularity. The Republican hopeful engaged in the odd gesture during a sit-down interview with CNN’s Chief Washington Correspondent, Jake Tapper.

“I’m going to make America great again,” Mr. Trump said while rummaging around in his underwear. “I’m going to make America great again.”

CNN’s Tapper, obviously flustered, tried to maintain some semblance of composure during the act.

“Mr. Trump, you just ate your own waste,” said Mr. Tapper. “I…I don’t know what to say. You’re going to get sick. Should I call a doctor?”

The billionaire scoffed at the question.

“Do you know who needs a doctor? Ch-EYE-na. When I make America great again. Losers.”

CNN conducted a scientific poll with 500 Republican primary voters shortly after the broadcast. Although many thought the question was a joke for some sort of satirical piece on the billionaire’s cult-like following, they eventually came around.

“Trump is going to make America great again,” said Bill McDill of Iowa. “We need a strong leader, and you can’t get stronger than a man who can stomach a plate of his own excrement. If this is true, then he’s earned my vote.”

A young man who only wished to be identified as Skrillex Dubstep said that criticism of Trump’s actions was proof that the “elite” media were out to get the man.

“The Donald thinks outside the box. In this case he’s thinking outside the butt. He plays by his own rules. I like it. I like it a lot. I don’t really have time to explain it to CNN and the GOP establishment, but it’s genius. Make America great again!”

Corey Lewandowski, Mr. Trump’s campaign manager, declined to offer much when asked for comment on the CNN spectacle.

“Right now I almost feel as though I’m operating in a piece of satire,” said Mr. Lewandowski, The Associated Press reported. “Trump voters will not be turned off to a strong leader over ‘feces-gate,’ or whatever you want to call it, so you might as well move on to the real issue — making America great again.”

When contacted about Mr. Trump’s actions, Fox News host Sean Hannity said he was “still undecided” on whether or not to back the billionaire, Satire News reported. “If America is ever going to be great again, then we can’t be sidetracked by distractions. This appears to be a distraction.”

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Dalai Lama: Obama is the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain

Dalai Lama APThe Obama administration was blindsided Monday when a press release attributed to the Dalai Lama said that, after much meditation, it was determined U.S. President Barack Obama was the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain.

“The universal consciousness is a steaming brew of all sorts of cosmic mysteries, but every so often a bubble forms that we’ve seen before. Mr. Obama’s nuclear deal with a regime that openly threatens to destroy the United States of America is an indicator that Mr. Chamberlain has returned. It is for this reason that, should I die in the next few years, I may choose not to reincarnate.” — (The Dalai Lama)

Mr. Chamberlain is infamously known for holding up an agreement between he and Adolph Hilter not to go to war with Britain. The Munich Agreement of 1938 didn’t bring about “peace for our time,” but instead the invasion of Poland and the outbreak of World War II.

Neville ChamberlainWhite House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was respectful, but skeptical, of the Dalai Lama’s claims.

“The Obama administration is slightly confused by the message sent by His Holiness, but we will not engage in a debate on reincarnation with the spiritual master. We know that he is a man of peace — just like Mr. Obama — and it is for that reason we are not brushing off his declaration as a bizarre form of satire,” Mr. Earnest told reporters. “We believe that peace can be had, even if it means giving billions of dollars to theocratic police states that sponsor global terrorism and call for the destruction of America and its allies.”

A spokesman for His Holiness said there is no political motive behind acknowledging the reincarnation of Neville Chamberlain — Mr. Obama “just is.”

The Islamic Republic News Agency (IRNA) was able to secure comment by the nation’s Supreme Leader, Ali Khamenei, on the news of Mr. Chamberlain’s reincarnation.

“Death to America! Death to America! Death to America!” the Iranian leader said, IRNA reported.

Islamic State creates Rand Paul Super PAC after NSA program lapses: ‘Elect this infidel’

Rand Paul NSAKentucky senator Rand Paul may be getting a strange bit of assistance for his presidential campaign: a Super PAC run by Islamic State sleeper cells within the United States. Muhammad Mcallah of the “72 Virgins Brigade” released a statement to media outlets early Monday morning praising the Republican’s efforts to stop the Patriot Act.

First, The Associated Press reported on the senator’s efforts to kill the surveillance authorities granted to U.S. President Barack Obama:

WASHINGTON (AP) — In a remarkable turnaround, Senate Republicans have agreed to debate a House bill that would overhaul the National Security Agency’s handling of Americans’ calling records while preserving other domestic surveillance provisions.

But that move didn’t happen soon enough to prevent legal authority for the programs from expiring at midnight Sunday as Republican Sen. Rand Paul, a presidential contender, stood in the way of extending the program, angering his GOP colleagues and frustrating intelligence and law enforcement officials.

Now, the question is whether the Senate will pass a bill the House can live with. If so, the surveillance programs will resume, with some significant changes in how the phone records are handled. If not, they will remain dormant.

Mr. Mcallah said that he was confident the terror group’s political action committee could raise tens-of-millions of dollars for Sen. Paul’s presidential campaign based solely on his actions Sunday night.

“Allahu Akbar! God is great! I almost feel as though I’m living in a piece of satire. Somebody pinch me. Calls have been coming in from all over the globe — calls not monitored by that pesky NSA — about Mr. Paul’s efforts to kill the Patriot Act. Not in our wildest dreams would we have suspected an American politician capable of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but we were wrong. Elect this infidel! If I am ever in a position to behead the good senator from Kentucky, I vow as Allahu is my witness that I will give him an honorable death. It will be as quick and painless as possible. But until that day comes, I and the sleeper cells of United States of America firmly stand behind Rand Paul’s bid for the presidency.”

The Kentucky senator’s campaign manager, Chip Englander, refused to comment on the Sunni radical terrorist organization’s Super PAC. Instead, he opted to stay on message. “I stand with Rand, because when we don’t stand with Rand we all fall down,” Mr. Englander said, Reuters reported.

Harry Reid: Baltimore mom who slapped masked son during riots should be investigated for abuse

Baltimore MomSen. Harry Reid, who infamously lied about Mitt Romney’s tax returns during the 2012 presidential election, said Wednesday that the Baltimore mom who slapped her masked son during Monday’s riots should be investigated for child abuse.

“He gave me eye contact. And at that point, you know, not even thinking about cameras or anything like that — that’s my only son and at the end of the day I don’t want him to be a Freddie Gray. At that point, I just lost it. I was shocked, I was angry, because you never want to see your child out there doing that,” Toya Graham told CBS on Wednesday. The Democrat from Nevada didn’t see it that way.

Freddie Gray, 25, died April 19 of wounds that occurred during his arrest by the Baltimore Police Department April 12. Mr. Reid’s office put out a statement Wednesday countering the claim that a mother’s slap should ever be used to prevent another “Freddie Gray” from dying:

“Ms. Graham may be trying to do her best as a single mother raising six children, but that does not give her an excuse to resort to physical violence to stop her son from arson, looting, and throwing concrete blocks at cops.

If the only way to stop Baltimore from burning is to slap an unruly child, then I say ‘Let the city burn!’ As liberals, we know that violence is never the answer. It takes a village to raise a child, but that village must have an abundance of ‘time out’ corners and Jack Kerouac poetry readings to realize its full potential.”

Mr. Reid’s admonishment echoes a sentiment shared by other liberal critics of Ms. Graham.

Baltimore Mom CBS interviewUSA Today reported Wednesday:

The single mother of six children is facing some backlash on social media for beating her son in such a public manner.

“Hypocrisy of the law, she should be arrested for assault, battery and child abuse,” said one tweet by a user identified as @cotrial.

Others questioned why anyone would condone or celebrate her actions.

“Tired of hearing about this Baltimore ‘Mom of the Year,'” said a tweet under the handle @DaAnGrYASiAN. “If she raised her son better, she wouldn’t have needed to do that.”

When Mr. Reid’s office was asked if his battered and bloodied body was the result of a hypocritical altercation the devolved into violence, a spokesman for the Democratic senator responded, “Am I living in a piece of satire? The only person who is allowed to recklessly throw out unsubstantiated claims about others is Mr. Reid. No further comment.”

Send in the Moms Baltimore NY PostThe video of Ms. Graham restraining her son has over 3 million views on YouTube in less than 48 hours.

Vanessa J. Summers, Indiana lawmaker of racist baby charge, says a fetus can also be racist

Vanessa Summers FBThe political world was introduced to Indiana lawmaker Vanessa Summers on March 24 when she told a Republican colleague that his 18-month-old son was racist. All the media attention that followed prompted her to cut her Facebook account. Prior to the radio silence, however, it was revealed that she also believes that fetuses still inside the womb can also be racist.

For those who aren’t up to speed, the Indy Star reported on the Indiana Democrat last Tuesday:

The already contentious debate over Indiana’s proposed “religious freedom” bill took a surreal twist Monday afternoon when — in the midst of discussion on the bill — a Democratic lawmaker said that a Republican lawmaker’s child was “scared” of her because she is black.

The comment by Rep. Vanessa Summers drew audible gasps, in no small part because the child — the son of Rep. Jud McMillin — is 18 months old.

“I told Jud McMillin I love his son, but he’s scared of me because of my color,” Summers told McMillin, who is white, during debate over the Religious Freedom Restoration Act in the House.

The comment was made as state representatives jousted over Indiana’s controversial religious liberty bill, which critics say is discriminatory towards gay and lesbian citizens.

Prior to locking down her Facebook account, Ms. Summers said:

“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about over this. I’ve known for years that babies can be racist. One time I put my hand on a constituent’s stomach and I could feel that fetus move. It was a racist movement — a quick jerk as if it believed that by getting too close to a black woman its stem cells might be altered. Perhaps it thought its pigmentation would darken. This may sound like a piece of satire, but I assure you that it is not. I would even go so far as to say that a white zygote is possible of racist behavior when observed under a microscope by a black scientist. Don’t quote me on that because I’m still looking into it.”

Audio of Ms. Summers’ initial racism charge has been made available by multiple news outlets, including The Daily Beast on March 27.

“He looked at me like I was a monster and turned around and cried. And I told him you need to introduce your child to some people that are dark-skinned so he will not be scared,” the Democrat told the Indy Star.

Rep. Jud McMillin denied the charge. “I can tell you that if he reacted the same way he reacts with anybody brand new, he buries his head in his dad’s shoulder. Whoever it is, it’s what he does. He’s an 18-month-old kid; he’s in a new environment up here in the place like the Statehouse but doesn’t know anybody. I honestly don’t remember anything out of the ordinary,” he told the Indy Star.

When asked about racist zygotes, he took a more diplomatic stance.

“If Ms. Summers believes that racist mitosis is possible, then I suppose that will have to be studied vigorously using the scientific method. Personally, I do not believe a fetus is capable of telegraphing such unacceptable behavior in the womb. I once heard Ms. Summers say, ‘If a fetus can feel pain, it can inflict pain — including racial injustice,’ but that seems like a stretch to me,” the Republican lawmaker wrote on Facebook March 28.

Calls to Ms. Summers’ office for comment on racist zygotes have been unsuccessful.

Obama pushes for Islamic State Relief Act; $1B jobs bill would train jihadis for new career

ISILState Department spokeswoman Marie Harf made waves Feb. 17 when she said that members of Islamic State were drawn to the terrorist organization due to a dearth of jobs. The Obama administration made it clear Monday that she did not misspeak: White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said that Mr. Obama is urging members of Congress to draw up the “Islamic State Relief Act” (ISRA), a $1 billion jobs bill that would give jihadis a chance to change career paths.

“When the president hears ‘Allahu Akbar!’ during Islamic State propaganda videos, he hears something entirely different than most people. He doesn’t hear ‘God is the greatest!’ — he hears “Where are the jobs?” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said Monday, The Associated Press reported. “‘Jihad’ means ‘struggle.’ When the president hears ‘jihad,’ he knows that the struggle is real for high-paying, respectable jobs. Men don’t chop off heads because of some sick attempt to reconstitute the Islamic empires of old — they chop off heads because they’re not killing sales records at the local car dealership,” he added.

Mr. Earnest’s brief overview of what the president is looking for with ISRA made it clear that it would be safe for U.S. sleeper cells to “come out of the shadows” if they wanted to take advantage of educational opportunities. The president faces stiff opposition with Republicans in control of both the House and Senate.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said Monday that he did receive a brief phone call from the president, but that the two are oceans apart on what final passage of ISRA should look like.

“I can’t help but think that the president’s misreading of the threat posed by Islamic radicals has passed the point of satire and swung around the globe to a place that is wholly absurd,” the Ohio Republican said. “He’s gone from not calling the Islamic State group Islamic, to saying that job creation will curb recruitment, to finally pushing Congress for a $1 billion jobs bill — primarily for enemies, both foreign and domestic. Someone get me a bottle of antacid pills.”

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest was quick to respond that the U.S. does distribute aid packages to foreign countries. While it would be a first to grant taxpayer dollars to terrorist organizations, lawyers at the Department of Justice assured the president that air-tight constitutional wording for ISRA exists — they just need to find it.

“There will be critics of this bill,” Mr. Earnest said, AP reported, “But 20 years from now, when a former Islamic State terrorist is standing behind this very microphone, thanks to the president’s jobs bill, who will you thank — the Republicans who fought the president every step of the way, or Mr. Obama?”

Foreign fighters in Raqqa, Syria said they would be open to taking advantage of the president’s plan, provided that classes on beheading and slavery were not prohibited. They added that professors should under no circumstances be women, Jews, or gay men.

DCCC: Republicans responsible for Ebola — but also original sin, diarrhea, and Elephantitis

DCCC Ebola adDCCC blames GOP for EbolaThe Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) and a liberal nonprofit organization named The Agenda Project Action Fund have blamed the Republican Party for the spread of Ebola in the U.S., but the American people haven’t bought it. Neither has The Washington Post, which called the claims “absurd.” Now, Democrats have launched a new trial balloon: Republicans are responsible for original sin, and by extension death and any number of other maladies.

In an interview with MSNBC’s Morning Joe crew on Thursday, DCCC Chairman Steve Israel blamed the “original Republicans, Adam and Eve,” for the fall of humanity and its banishment from the Garden of Eden.

Mr. Israel told Mika Brzezinski:

“Death rides a pale horse, but it wouldn’t be that way if the original Republicans, Adam and Eve, hadn’t rebelled against God. Yes, the American people are being led to believe that Ebola spreads because West Africans eating bushmeat continue to deny the existence of Ebola even as their friends and family die gruesome, painful deaths. They’ve been led to believe that CDC officials who tell Dallas hospital employees to hop aboard airplanes (even when they’re suffering from suspicious fevers) may need to be held accountable — but it’s all just smoke and mirrors.

The GOP brought on Ebola. Nay, they may have even invented it! But they also bit from the apple that is the cause of all modern-day pestilence, disease, decay and ultimately death. Voters need to hold them accountable in three weeks.

Joe Scarborough was skeptical of the claim, although he said he would ultimately reserve judgment until Fact Checkers at with PolitiFact weighed in before the weekend.

“Joe, I’m telling you, I have this on good authority. The same religious scholars who assure me God that is totally cool with killing babies in the womb while calling it ‘choice’ have presented me with incontrovertible evidence that Adam and Eve were, whether we like it or not, Republicans.”

The MSNBC panel looked around astounded, when finally its host broke the stunned silence.

“If this is true, this is going to be a game-changer,” said Mr. Scarborough. “Keep me updated.”

A spokesman for the DCCC said that it would be putting out a list of all the ailments Republicans are responsible for within days. A partial list released to the media includes:

  • Diarrhea
  • Gout
  • Cancer
  • Malaria
  • Elephantitis
  • Scabies
  • Infidelity
  • Halitosis
  • Menopause
  • Tooth decay

When asked for proof of the above claims, the DCCC spokesman simply told The Associated Press: “The proof is in the pudding, boys. They proof…is in…the pudding.”